Memory

How to begin this blog? Where to take this blog? It's a difficult question right now, and one I've no original answer too. I start this just before 11pm and around 9pm I had an idea as to what to write about and how to expand on that topic. I had though planned to have a bath tonight, and I knew that if I didn't do it then, I'd end up having to shower before work tomorrow, so I headed off to the bath, too a magazine to read (the match programme from the United game I went to yesterday), and have forgot what I was going to write about.

It's strange really, how in a short space of time you can forget something, which at the time was important to yourself. I guess it can't have been that important as I've forgot it, where as other things stick. I really don't understand the way the memory works.

This weekend has seen me try and calm myself down and take a good look at myself. I know that things need to alter and that I need to return to doing things which will help me and have a positive effect on my life. Oh the joy's of taking tablets, I love it. Maybe that will help me more than I can imagine, but they are but a small part of what I must do, I almost need to rebrand myself. That's going to be the hardest thing I've done for a while. I've found myself in a safe road over the past couple of years or so, and need to start jumping back into the traffic. That way I can make those roads safe for myself and make the roads I've crossed even more unsafe for me to enter. I know it's asking lot's of me and it's going to take some time, perhaps as long as a year or two, but it has to be done. I shall not rest till it's completed and I'm happier than I am. It's strange in many ways, but I am happier now than at any other time of my life, but yet I'm still unhappy with myself. I've been lazy, I am lazy and that needs to be kicked away. Let's get the cobwebs dusted off and let the work begin.

So apart from contemplating the above the whole of the weekend, what else has gone on? Very little, though I'm feeling down from all the thinking I know that by the start of next week I'll feel refreshed again. This coming week see's me meeting up with a long time friend called Janet. Not the same Janet, who inspired this site, but another Janet, one whom has known me for what I think is around 10 years now. We've only recently got back in touch with each other though after about 6 or 7 years apart, and things are really neat. Janet knew the old me, and possibly can see all the positive changes within me, that I don't see. I know that she like a lot of people see me so much more differently to the way I see myself, and perhaps that's something to look into and try and work out why that is. It's certainly something of a mystery, as to why my perception of myself is so different to what others think. Anyway we are meeting up on Thursday and possibly on Friday, I may pop up to Lancaster to see another couple of friends, which will not be decided till Friday afternoon and how I feel about a drive up to see them.

Something that I have noticed and something which I can gain from this weekend, is that I'm so much calmer than I ever was. I would suggest that in the past, the conversation between Lisa and myself on Friday would have led to me becoming clinically depressed, and would have led to a real crisis. Now, I find myself getting down for sure, but not to the the extent I would have done in the past and certainly not letting myself get down to the point of depression. Yes, I know that I snapped at a few people over the weekend, but didn't snap at Lisa, more of a defense thing I guess. I did make an effort this weekend and though I don't know if it worked, it wasn't too hard to change things. If I can continue to be calm, then as time goes by, perhaps I'll leave depression behind me for good and be able to concentrate on being really positive on myself. The day that happens, the world had better watch out, I'm telling you that now. This blog page may see plenty of negatives from myself and may reach some real lows, but if I ever turn positive then I dread to think how much sickly these pages could get. I'll leave you all to ponder that one.