Time to think

It's been an hour or two since I finished the last blog and since then I've been in the bath and had time to contemplate things. I do a lot of thinking in the bath, it's a place of solitude and relaxation. Though the situation at work is crazy, the bath has dragged me back into the world of the sensible.

I should be happy to be in a job, happy to have money to feed myself, happy to have a roof over my head. This world has too many people who don't have one or two or even all of the aforementioned things. I'm lucky to have them, to be warm and have a life, which although poor in comparrison with my peers is better than others.

I can use the above could be seen as an excuse to convey a covered up problem, it's something that can drag me back from the place I was earlier in the night. I wasn't in a bad place as such, but it was the start of the road to no where. That road to no where if started can lead to the edge of oblivian.

Suicide has been tried in the past, like a lot of things in my life, I've failed to kill myself. That can be seen by my very writing of this. I should point out that at times I can be very suicidal and it may seem to the world that I may never return from when I sign off, but to date I've never once not returned. The closest I ever got was one night about 4 years ago. I was in my car, after a row with my dad over something. I got back to my flat and found some hosepipe. After writing my diary on my PC, I ended up in the car with the hosepipe trailing through the window. The engine was started and I sat listening to my favourite music. I can't really recall how long I'd been, but I do remember someone knocking on the door. He had the hosepipe in his hand and was telling me to turn the engine off. I did so, he took the pipe and left me. Alone, peeved off at failing again, I went back up to my flat, took the next day very slowly, and then went to speak to my friends and then my GP.

I've been on the brink, I know what that feeling is like, I hated myself, I hated my life, I hated how the world saw me. I hated everything!!! I've been close to that point a few times since, and it's scary looking at it now as I can see the signs, but often find it hard to put the brakes on. People may say that suicide is a cowards way out of life, and in many respects it is, but it's also the bravest way out. It takes lot's of courage to do that, you have to be very cool to even get close to it.

Life though is a journey, it's a long journey full of twists and turns, which till you reach them can't ever be dealt with. Only yourself can deal with these things. It's your heart that beats in you, not someone else's, it's your eyes that see things, not someone else's. It's your brain that thinks how to deal with them, not someone else's. Take advice off others by all means, but meld that advice into your own thinking and it may help with life, but don't copy others, that leads to failure.