Monday, January 24, 2005


Who says things can change is incorrect. Right now, I see my best friend suffering in a similar vein to which I'm accustomed, and it's not nice. I really don't like seeing others suffer, and have offered to help. It's the only thing I can do, as she's helped me so much in my life. I've put too much on her, in my opinion, but the friendship is strong enough to have withstood the battering I've given it. I've now got to show that strength in return, and for her that is no problem

This offers me a point, a chance to save myself, but for how much longer I don't care to think about right now. All I know is I have to be there for her, and that is something to aim at. My teeth are clamped together almost in determination to get past this month.

I see that today is being recognised as the day most experts are predicting that the winter blues will hit everyone. I don't know why they are saying this, but I'm aware of those blues and they've hit way before the blackspot that is today. Wonderful to know that I'll probably be placed in the same pigeon hole as everyone else, but I'm not my problem lies deeper, and those of you who do read this post or perhaps this blog will know that I've already come up with some ideas. I'm off to the doctors this morning about my moods, and there are one or two other items which need addressing today, which will take some things off my mind I hope. It's not been easy of late with all the little medical problems suggesting that on a physical level my body is collapsing. I feel strong, I want to be strong, but my body won't allow that.

So I'll leave here to start the process of getting ready, would already be doing so had it not been for the plug in the sink getting caught on something and not allowing me to fill the sink. I've had to wait for the water boiler to heat up some more hot water, as the first lot of water I used got lost by the fact the plug hole was open. At times these things are sent to try me I'm sure or they are a sign from above.

Oh one last point, tonight see's me return to volunteering for Barnardo's and that should be fun, being able to return to doing something. A return to my roots, and being able to use what if any skills I have. It may be a teenage group, but I've been having fun on this group since September, and though a new set of clients are now in place, it's going to be as much fun as before.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

No Point

Is it me, or is it somebody else? I don't know who it is, or what it is, but life is shit right now. No, I take that back, it's worse than shit, it's pointless. I've no longer got anything or anyone to live for. I'm all alone in my world, nobody cares, nobody has time to care, I let nobody care for me. Why is this? Why do I destroy everything, why do I hurt myself so much, why right now do I wish to throw myself under a truck, off the highest motorway bridge? Why don't I give a hoot about how I die, just as long as it's right now??

I'm unemployable, I'm ugly, I've got little skills, my communications skills are shit, I take all the wrong advice, I've never loved myself, I don't like myself, I'm a awful person. Out of 100, I'd be -5,000,000. I'm just not good at anything, no good to anyone and most of all I know it. Why should I carry on, we're here to further the human race, I'm never going to do that. I can't have children, I'm 99.99% sure that I'll never have a long term partner, in fact I'm 99.99% sure that I'll never have a short term partner. I question again why should I be here, what good am I taking up this flat I live in, the air that I breathe? Others need that air, others who are of use to society, and most of all others that are more deserving.

If this is my final blog I'm sorry for those who have become readers, I know people must have, the clock at the bottom is made up of all my own hits. It's not the way it should have ended, it's not how I thought it would end, I would rather it carry on, I'd rather carry, but I see no point, no more excuses to carry on. Why should I carry on being a burden to society and the world for that matter? I've no reason too. I'll die, happy in the knowledge that I made the right choices for myself when I did, I can go and sort things out with those departed. The more I think the more I know it's the right choice.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005


9 days since I last posted, it doesn't seem like 9 days, but I'm afraid it is, and I'm so sorry for everyone who knows this page of have found it recently. Anyway lot's has gone on, and I'll try and keep you up to date with them.

I have previously indicated on these pages how I felt that I was in a self destruct mode, well it doesn't help that my body is breaking down on me. Over the past few days, I've had the liver biopsy, which wasn't too pleasant, and my shoulders have been giving me lots of problems. I don't really know why my shoulders have gone so bad, I'm keeping them moving and doing all the exercises I've been given. Coupled with these two problems, it seems that I'm becoming susecptable to blisters again from my hot water bottle. Two in a week isn't good, and though the water bottle isn't as hot as it has been, I'm still finding myself blistering easily. This though I can handle, as it's not half as bad as it has been. Then my teeth are giving me some aggrivation. I know I need the dentist, but it's cost that's holding me back. I do need some heavy work done on them I'm aware of that.

Just to go back to the biopsy, that wasn't nice. The needle in didn't hurt, but it was mightly uncomfortable, and wow my shoulder took a beating out of it aslo, as the liver and right shoulder share a nerve. I managed to read a whole book in my time in hospital, and it was good fun being able to read so much. I do enjoy reading and I don't get too much time to sit and read like that. I should make time for myself. I was advised to take things easy for a week or so afterwards, just as a precaution of course. I'm feeling ok now, but I'm awaiting the results, I'm very nervous about them now. I know prior to the biopsy I wasn't concerned, but so many thoughts have gone through my mind since that time that I'm very worried that the results will turn up with a nasty shock to me. Living with this right now isn't easy.

My current job search isn't going too well right now. I've been looking for something, but not really finding anything or what I have found I've not heard back from. This is typical of my look, I really should try and get someone to help me with writing application forms, but that is tangermount to telling the world that I'm thick, and that I can't sell myself. If I can't sell myself in an application form then god help me in an interview, where I tend to fall apart. I'm not at all confident of myself in those situations, I get very nervous, and revert to the shy non communative person that my inner self is. I hate that part of me, and though I've tried lots of things to beat it, I'm still very shy at heart. I would rather be harsh on myself than sell myself.

So life goes on, I breathe and I guess that's the most important thing I should be happy with...

Monday, January 10, 2005


It is within my capabilites to examine myself, to try and see what is going on in my life, to identify what problems are affecting me. I've been through so much therapy to do so. Right now, and though I guess for a short while now I'm increasingly becoming aware that I'm quite possibly bi-polar depressive. This doesn't scare me, it is in fact something which, I'll gladly accept and also feel happy about. I've self diagnosed something serious about myself all over again.

So where is it going wrong for me at this point in time? I don't know, in a way I'm not happy with my employment situation, I'm not happy over my financial situation, which for a lot of people is an all too familiar position to be in. The financial situation though I'm not driven by money does play a part in my life, as the extremely low wage I earn, doesn't give me the money to help me with the things I need to make me as a person happier. I'm not talking materialistic goods, but other things. That in itself has led to major mental problems for myself, and though I accept things take time, as time drags on it's only frustrating to see it still causing me problems. Today I could look in te mirror and be happy, and yet later on today I could well be so frustrated at that very same sight I'll burst into tears and want to end everything. It isn't easy being me, and I suggest that anyone who thinks other wise needs a reality check, mind you I don't think I could be anyone else for that matter, we'd all find it hard to be someone else.

I do feel ailenated from society for some reason, and that I'm horror struck by. It's not that I would consider myself a bad person, not that I would consider myself difficult to get along with, but for some reason I just find that I'm alone more than I am with someone. People might tell me I've got to make more of an effort, but what happens when you do make an effort?? It get's thrown back in my face. I have been used by people, I will be used by people in the future, but if it means some sort of friendship then, I'll let them, as it's something that I crave. I can live alone, I can live in a flat with 4 walls, and just my computer and a radio to keep me company. No television, I've never had a television in my own places. I just don't miss it. It has been suggested that I get a tv and that that may take away some of the loneliness, but I've got my music and the keyboard to keep me happy here. It's actual human interaction that I miss, and I don't me that in it's fullest situation, I'm just talking about people talking face to face. This is why I really enjoyed the time I had with Lisa on Saturday afternoon before going to the football.

Of course to want friendship, to want to talk to someone, may go against what most people would say is shyness. I do describe myself as being shy, and I am. I don't chance going into unfamiliar places, without much terror, without much consideration. It is scary for me to go into places with others, if I haven't been in there before. I'm so conscious of myself, that I get worked up, maybe it's a phobia, but till it's proven it's me being shy. I just don't like being in unfamiliar places, as I do think everyone is staring at me. I think that is part of my past, and till that alters perhaps I can't move on from it. This is where to financial situation comes to play, and so yes everything is perhaps intertwined, and thus no matter what I do in terms of employment, in terms of anything it's always going to play a part in what sort of mood I'm in.

Without trying too, I see that I've self examined myself again and produced a composite of who my mind works, and how I can find links to anything and everything. I've never been far away from depression, but when I'm in this sort of mood, it's oh so much easier. I'm seriously thinking that I have to get things sorted. All the therapy has helped me further the insight into my mind, which even before therapy was considerable, but now it's more realistic. All the safety nets that I have built over the years are being eaten away and though the journey down to the bottom of the mood pit is slower than normal, the nets aren't catching me, well they are, but I've cutting through them myself for some reason, it's as if I don't want to help myself, and thus my theory on self destruction. It's incredible that just writing here has opened my eyes a little bit further in terms of myself, and how much I need to carry on writing regulary here, and also how much I need to speak to my doctor.

Saturday, January 08, 2005


I guess I should slap my own wrists for being so lazy and not writing in here this week, but I've just been too tired. I've hardly slept since Tuesday night, and have hardly eaten for that matter. I think it's just stress and worry over how I'm going to survive not going to work and how I'm going to support myself.

It hasn't been easy this week, and though I wish I knew where I'm heading all I do know is that I'm currently on the road to self destruction, and I'm concerned about that. My shoulders aren't any worse, but they aren't any better. In fact after physio this week they've become a lot worse. No gain without pain, I know, but this is just plain stupid. Then of course this week I've got the liver biopsy, so let's see how that goes. I'm just praying that things are ok, or that they can figure out what is so wrong with my liver. Then of course they can go sort it out.

Sorry for the short write up, but my shoulders are really sore now and thus I'm going to have to give up the ghost on this installment, more later perhaps.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Who, What, Why, Where and When

The new year is with us, 2004 is long gone and now comes the part of life which is devoted to 2005. I've got to remain positivie that this year will differ from the rest I guess, it's always the same in January, but by March things seem to have altered.

What is it? Why does it alter or is it me that alters? Whilst starting this entry off, my mind has gone all tangent with me, so please accept this wasn't the intended pathway. So anyway what alters the perspective on everything? I guess this is a good nature nurture style question, but when and where do we as people find ourseleves and why do our views on things alter so drastically? I know this is not much sense, but let's go back to Christmas....

As a kid, you get really excited, first it's the putting up of the decorations and the tree... You help your parents put everything up, and think that your house is the best. You even marvel at the way the tree decorations you put up, or even have made stand out above all else. You then find the excitement building, as to when you can take the christmas cards in for everyone, but then you don't want to be first, nor do you want to be last. That timing has to be worked out, but adds to the excitement of the times. Of course at school, things are winding down, perhaps you are making decorations as a child, or later the teachers ease off the work load and start giving you some time to chat or do nothing in class, as they try and get through all the work they've want done before the holidays. You know it's going to be a longer break than you had at half term (a British thing), and that you'll have up to 2 weeks off. 2 whole weeks, it seems so long as a child. Then of course you are building up your wish list, for your presents list. As a child it goes off in the post to Santa, with your hopes that he get's it and that he can deliver the goods. All sweet and innocent it is, but as a child you love all this. Then come Christmas Eve, you know you want to go to bed, you know you want to be tired, and that you need to sleep, but can you? No way, your too excited.

At what point does all that change? Is it upon the time you find out that Santa isn't real? Is it because your parents start buying you less and less presents, as you get older and the excitement of opening "LOADS" of presents goes. You know that you ask for less, and that thus you get less. Is it then? I don't know, for one though now, Christmas lost it's appeal quite early on. I'm not sure why, but I do know that once it lost it's appeal the love for this time of year went with it. Chirstmas soon became a time to dread, a time I wished would never come. The innocence was lost, the charm was lost, and I would become very lonely and depressed around this time. It is perhaps a thrill that this year, we had a white Christmas and the voices of the children playing in the street, made my day. It was so idylic.

This isn't a rant about Christmas though, this is a rant about life to a point. So at what point do we as creatures lose the innocence of life? When and why do our opinions of life change? Is it the stark realisation that the protective bubble that we live in as children has vanished, that we understand what is going on in the outside world and we let it effect us? I really don't know. All I do know is that as a child, I was positive and would look forward to each year with great glee, if it wasn't for one thing it was another. I'd always have something to look forward too. Now though that has gone, and life appears to be similar to the grey clouds floating across the sky today, dull and not really exciting.

Is this because of my make up, am I destined to see things negativly? I don't think it's in my genes, my parents were both optimistic, my sister is and yet I'm not. There is an Aunt who is bi-polar, which perhaps points to a potential problem from her side of the family. It's missed my sister though, so why should that effect me then? Who knows if that is how it works. If that is the problem then it's a nature problem. Yet, on the other hand work has played such a part of my moods over the past 12 to 18 months that people could say it's nurture's fault that I feel so down right now, or should I say so negative about the future. Which has the greatest influence? I'm not sure, as it can be argued I guess that the possible bi-polar problems (I must stress I've never been diagnosed as bi-polar, but I do exhibit symptoms and accept that it's a likely problem), are brought about by nurture issues. So is it an even score? Who knows, as if I didn't have any mood problems, would work cause me to feel this way??

I'm not sure, but the one thing that I'm sure of right now, is that the person who craved to know the knowledge of everything, and started to ask questions of things, more so started to use the words, "who, what, why, where and when" needs shooting. Without them words things would be so much easier for lots of people.

So taking away the curiosity of wanting more knowledge about life, how am I? Oh I'm top of the world almost... My toes are still sore, my arm is a nice combination of purple, blue, red and yellow. My shoulders are sore, partly through typing this, but also in general, and this time next week I'll be having a blood test, with the prospect of spending next Tuesday in hospital having a Liver biopsy. I'm really looking forward to that one I can tell you that one. As a starter for 10 for 2005, these first few days are positively great honestly. Apart from that I have noticed that I'm sleeping properly for the first time in ages. I'm averaging 7 hours sleep a night, which is around 1 or 2 hours more than normal. Is that because I've mentally made a note of not going back to work and haven't got that stress playing on my mind I wonder??

Saturday, January 01, 2005


Even though I stuck a huge amount of ice on my toes last night, after I'd fallen on them, they've still bruised heavily. All the hospital would do is strap them together, so that's all I've done. I can't see the point of spending up to 2 or 3 hours in casaulty (ER) for just for them to do what I've done to myself. I intend as you know to go visit my own doctor on Tuesday morning with regards a possible sick note, if my union can work things out for me. So I'll mention my toes then..... She may even give me some tape on prescription, I mean general micropore tape, which I had a big roll of after I burnt my hand last year.

I've woken up early today, for no reason. I feel fine, no hangover, no the worse the wear for all the alcohol that I consumed last night. Ok so my toes are sore, but that could have happened at any time that accident. I just have to be more careful.

2005 looks, sounds and smells the same as 2004 did, but it's going to be different, I don't know how, but I know it is. Let's hope we can solve lots of life's puzzles, and make life easier for us all.

Nice Start

Well 2005 is upon us, in fact it's just over 90 minutes old, and already my health is in question. I accept that I've had too much to drink in too short of time. By the time I got home tonight it was roughly 10pm, and by the time I started drinking it was 11pm. Just before midnight I'd finished a bottle of wine. So you can imagine what state I'm in.

Anyway, as is the case with us humans, and every other creature we need to get rid of stuff, for us humans, it tends to be the toilet where we get rid of the said stuff. Anyway, I went to the toilet, and lo and behold I fell down the stairs, so I'm currently inmobile, and highly peeved off. I think I may have broken my toe or toes.....