Moods

It is within my capabilites to examine myself, to try and see what is going on in my life, to identify what problems are affecting me. I've been through so much therapy to do so. Right now, and though I guess for a short while now I'm increasingly becoming aware that I'm quite possibly bi-polar depressive. This doesn't scare me, it is in fact something which, I'll gladly accept and also feel happy about. I've self diagnosed something serious about myself all over again.

So where is it going wrong for me at this point in time? I don't know, in a way I'm not happy with my employment situation, I'm not happy over my financial situation, which for a lot of people is an all too familiar position to be in. The financial situation though I'm not driven by money does play a part in my life, as the extremely low wage I earn, doesn't give me the money to help me with the things I need to make me as a person happier. I'm not talking materialistic goods, but other things. That in itself has led to major mental problems for myself, and though I accept things take time, as time drags on it's only frustrating to see it still causing me problems. Today I could look in te mirror and be happy, and yet later on today I could well be so frustrated at that very same sight I'll burst into tears and want to end everything. It isn't easy being me, and I suggest that anyone who thinks other wise needs a reality check, mind you I don't think I could be anyone else for that matter, we'd all find it hard to be someone else.

I do feel ailenated from society for some reason, and that I'm horror struck by. It's not that I would consider myself a bad person, not that I would consider myself difficult to get along with, but for some reason I just find that I'm alone more than I am with someone. People might tell me I've got to make more of an effort, but what happens when you do make an effort?? It get's thrown back in my face. I have been used by people, I will be used by people in the future, but if it means some sort of friendship then, I'll let them, as it's something that I crave. I can live alone, I can live in a flat with 4 walls, and just my computer and a radio to keep me company. No television, I've never had a television in my own places. I just don't miss it. It has been suggested that I get a tv and that that may take away some of the loneliness, but I've got my music and the keyboard to keep me happy here. It's actual human interaction that I miss, and I don't me that in it's fullest situation, I'm just talking about people talking face to face. This is why I really enjoyed the time I had with Lisa on Saturday afternoon before going to the football.

Of course to want friendship, to want to talk to someone, may go against what most people would say is shyness. I do describe myself as being shy, and I am. I don't chance going into unfamiliar places, without much terror, without much consideration. It is scary for me to go into places with others, if I haven't been in there before. I'm so conscious of myself, that I get worked up, maybe it's a phobia, but till it's proven it's me being shy. I just don't like being in unfamiliar places, as I do think everyone is staring at me. I think that is part of my past, and till that alters perhaps I can't move on from it. This is where to financial situation comes to play, and so yes everything is perhaps intertwined, and thus no matter what I do in terms of employment, in terms of anything it's always going to play a part in what sort of mood I'm in.

Without trying too, I see that I've self examined myself again and produced a composite of who my mind works, and how I can find links to anything and everything. I've never been far away from depression, but when I'm in this sort of mood, it's oh so much easier. I'm seriously thinking that I have to get things sorted. All the therapy has helped me further the insight into my mind, which even before therapy was considerable, but now it's more realistic. All the safety nets that I have built over the years are being eaten away and though the journey down to the bottom of the mood pit is slower than normal, the nets aren't catching me, well they are, but I've cutting through them myself for some reason, it's as if I don't want to help myself, and thus my theory on self destruction. It's incredible that just writing here has opened my eyes a little bit further in terms of myself, and how much I need to carry on writing regulary here, and also how much I need to speak to my doctor.