Who, What, Why, Where and When

The new year is with us, 2004 is long gone and now comes the part of life which is devoted to 2005. I've got to remain positivie that this year will differ from the rest I guess, it's always the same in January, but by March things seem to have altered.

What is it? Why does it alter or is it me that alters? Whilst starting this entry off, my mind has gone all tangent with me, so please accept this wasn't the intended pathway. So anyway what alters the perspective on everything? I guess this is a good nature nurture style question, but when and where do we as people find ourseleves and why do our views on things alter so drastically? I know this is not much sense, but let's go back to Christmas....

As a kid, you get really excited, first it's the putting up of the decorations and the tree... You help your parents put everything up, and think that your house is the best. You even marvel at the way the tree decorations you put up, or even have made stand out above all else. You then find the excitement building, as to when you can take the christmas cards in for everyone, but then you don't want to be first, nor do you want to be last. That timing has to be worked out, but adds to the excitement of the times. Of course at school, things are winding down, perhaps you are making decorations as a child, or later the teachers ease off the work load and start giving you some time to chat or do nothing in class, as they try and get through all the work they've want done before the holidays. You know it's going to be a longer break than you had at half term (a British thing), and that you'll have up to 2 weeks off. 2 whole weeks, it seems so long as a child. Then of course you are building up your wish list, for your presents list. As a child it goes off in the post to Santa, with your hopes that he get's it and that he can deliver the goods. All sweet and innocent it is, but as a child you love all this. Then come Christmas Eve, you know you want to go to bed, you know you want to be tired, and that you need to sleep, but can you? No way, your too excited.

At what point does all that change? Is it upon the time you find out that Santa isn't real? Is it because your parents start buying you less and less presents, as you get older and the excitement of opening "LOADS" of presents goes. You know that you ask for less, and that thus you get less. Is it then? I don't know, for one though now, Christmas lost it's appeal quite early on. I'm not sure why, but I do know that once it lost it's appeal the love for this time of year went with it. Chirstmas soon became a time to dread, a time I wished would never come. The innocence was lost, the charm was lost, and I would become very lonely and depressed around this time. It is perhaps a thrill that this year, we had a white Christmas and the voices of the children playing in the street, made my day. It was so idylic.

This isn't a rant about Christmas though, this is a rant about life to a point. So at what point do we as creatures lose the innocence of life? When and why do our opinions of life change? Is it the stark realisation that the protective bubble that we live in as children has vanished, that we understand what is going on in the outside world and we let it effect us? I really don't know. All I do know is that as a child, I was positive and would look forward to each year with great glee, if it wasn't for one thing it was another. I'd always have something to look forward too. Now though that has gone, and life appears to be similar to the grey clouds floating across the sky today, dull and not really exciting.

Is this because of my make up, am I destined to see things negativly? I don't think it's in my genes, my parents were both optimistic, my sister is and yet I'm not. There is an Aunt who is bi-polar, which perhaps points to a potential problem from her side of the family. It's missed my sister though, so why should that effect me then? Who knows if that is how it works. If that is the problem then it's a nature problem. Yet, on the other hand work has played such a part of my moods over the past 12 to 18 months that people could say it's nurture's fault that I feel so down right now, or should I say so negative about the future. Which has the greatest influence? I'm not sure, as it can be argued I guess that the possible bi-polar problems (I must stress I've never been diagnosed as bi-polar, but I do exhibit symptoms and accept that it's a likely problem), are brought about by nurture issues. So is it an even score? Who knows, as if I didn't have any mood problems, would work cause me to feel this way??

I'm not sure, but the one thing that I'm sure of right now, is that the person who craved to know the knowledge of everything, and started to ask questions of things, more so started to use the words, "who, what, why, where and when" needs shooting. Without them words things would be so much easier for lots of people.

So taking away the curiosity of wanting more knowledge about life, how am I? Oh I'm top of the world almost... My toes are still sore, my arm is a nice combination of purple, blue, red and yellow. My shoulders are sore, partly through typing this, but also in general, and this time next week I'll be having a blood test, with the prospect of spending next Tuesday in hospital having a Liver biopsy. I'm really looking forward to that one I can tell you that one. As a starter for 10 for 2005, these first few days are positively great honestly. Apart from that I have noticed that I'm sleeping properly for the first time in ages. I'm averaging 7 hours sleep a night, which is around 1 or 2 hours more than normal. Is that because I've mentally made a note of not going back to work and haven't got that stress playing on my mind I wonder??