Unfortunate

Well it seems to have been nearly a lifetime since I last posted anything in here. I have serveral reasons and I'll try to explain them while writing this entry. Thank you Janet again for inspiring me to find this place again.

I guess the reason for me not posting anything is numerous, first of all, I've been lazy in not thinking about here, but it's not as if I've not had any time to write anything I have, so a big slap across my wrist for that. Secondly, about a week or so after my last entry, my browser crashed for some reason. I lost all my links and lots of other things I had with it. I know I haven't got half as much back as I had, but little things keep springing up. This place for example, I'd put it to the back of my mind, and kept ignoring it. Then this morning Janet pop's up asking to link my pages to her's and I knew I had to get back to work on here. If I'm to let someone link this place I've got to put something new in here and to get back to writing things down.

Memo to myself!!! Remember to eat with the right side of your mouth, you fool. The reason for this is that I'd been experiencing excruicating tooth ache over the past 2 weeks or so, and on Tuesday the reason why was found. I lost a filling out of a back tooth a couple of years ago, and it was this tooth that had all the problems. It wasn't till this week and a visit to the local Dental hospital that I found it was infact my wisdom tooth. After looking at it, the dentist took the decision for an x-ray and see how the roots lie. With that we discovered that apart from having little of the tooth let to keep in and put a new filling in, I had an absess on the tooth. This is the reason why I was taking up to 8 paracetamol's plus a drink of beer or a glass of wine each night to quell the pain. So the dentist took the offending tooth out on Tuesday morning. I love the fact that he used his plyers and pulled. After all these years there isn't a better method than that, we've yet to replace the human touch in this field. Of course this has meant a strict diet since then, nothing too hot or cold, nothing too hard which would mean lot's of chewing. What I do eat though has to be done on the right, and after biting into a slice of toast I need to remember what I have just said.

Back to event's of 3 months I guess. Since my last entry I've changed jobs!!! I no longer work in a special needs school, though in many ways my job change is just a step sideways. I'm now working for Barnardo's, with whom I'd volunteered for near enough 20 years. I've been working there now for just over 2 months and I'm enjoying myself again. I'm still in touch with the same children from school, and school are using me to drive the minibus on various trips so I've not lost total contact. I made many friends there over the 10 years I was with them, and had it not been for the all the bitching that I got over my problems, I'd have stayed. I didn't want to leave, I hated having to leave, but it's for the best. Within the realms of myself, this move though has worked wonders on me. I've managed to take a weight off my shoulders and now feel valued at work again. I can't recall the last time I had that feeling, and it's enough to enthuse me into already have worked enough over time to qualify myself for 2 weeks extra pay or holidays if I so wish.

Family life is no real difference, I don't see my neice any more than I used too, in fact less now. I don't get the half-term or summer holiday's off. I guess that I'm going to have to organise myself in the summer and take the most out of the single days that I can. I feel awful that I'm in this situation, but it's up to THEM (sister and Brother in law) to sort out. One of my cousin's died last weekend, just as we thought she was doing well, and that things were going to go well for her side of our family. We are still unsure of the nature of the death, but we all have a good idea what has happened. It's scary that she was only 19. I know that this sounds crazy, but I know that I failed her. She'd had her own problems for a while, but not once did I ever offer her the chance to come and talk to me. Had I done so, I guess I wouldn't have been feeling the way I am over her death right now. I'm not saying I'd have had the answers she'd have wanted, but I've been through enough to know that I could possibly have helped. That is what I do, and all I know really.

In terms of other people, well I had a month or so of a friend coming around to see me. She'd moved into a flat down the road. The friendship is an odd one, but in a way typical of those that I have. To me anyway it's all one way, I give and help, and then get nothing in return. It does hurt, you try to alter this and it just makes things even worse. Right now my friend and she will be for a long time I suspect that, isn't talking to me. Just because I questioned her, and did so in a manner which made her question herself. She doesn't like that in me, and what makes it harder for me, is that it was just a throw away line, one which I'd expect to be thrown back at me from time to time I guess.

My best friend Lisa, is having a rough time of it this year. I'm not going into detail here, it's not the place and I'm sure she doesn't want the world to know about it. What it has done though, it's given me the chance to repay her for all the years of support and love that she's given me. I'm having a "Lisa" year and she's having a "Leia" year in many ways. I guess that I should be happy for that, but I'm not. I don't miss the anything that can go wrong will go wrong life that is the norm for me. I'm just feeling that I need to grab it back off Lisa, I'm used to the shit, she isn't and it's effecting her more than I expected. I guess it's like watching a reflection of myself over the past 20 or so years. It isn't pretty, but hell I'm used to it now, and so it doesn't effect me that much. It takes lots to force me down.

Talking of moods, I've been seeing a counciler recently, it's starting to help I think. The recent death has shown me that. I'd have blamed myself for the death normally for not offering her the chance to talk, but not now. Now I realise that I may have failed her, but I certainly wasn't to blame for her death. I failed, but I'm sure that others are to blame more than me. It is that which proves to me that this is working. Maybe though it's because I'm having such a clear year that I can see things from a different angle. I'm still fragile though, and almost any little thing can knock my confidence. I should have been at a wedding on Monday night, but apart from my tooth being in agony, I only knew 6 people there of which, 2 were the bride and groom. It was really difficult to attend with people looking at me, instead of the bride and groom. It soon became obvious to me that I was fast becoming the centre of attention and should leave. That's something I have to deal with, it's not nice, but circumstances meant that my confidence was hit. It doesn't matter that an elememt of doubt had been placed into my head by some girls at work, but this is me.

Anyway, the sky is clear except for some wispy clouds dotted around, it's going to be another scorcher of a day, and today is pay day. I can go get some shopping, get some fuel in the car, and also in the can for mum's lawn mower. I've got some money to play with this month after last month's disaster. I didn't have a penny to play with, and so I've had to live basically off my mum. I hate myself for having to do that, but when it's necessary I have to. I'm going to have to sort out my money, but that's something I keep telling myself, and never do. Perhaps this newer me will be able to do that. I feel positively rich right now. I'm aiming to keep it that way from now on though. If I don't need something then, I don't need to buy it. I've got almost everything that I want, but that's where most of the problems are. It's the small items that build up. A cd here, a dvd there, etc.

Talking of cd's and dvd's, I guess that I should point out that I went to see Queen + Paul Rogers during my sabatical. What a concert, it's amazing that these guys who are in there 50's can still rock the world like they did. It was very impressive, though not half as impressive had it been the Queen the world knew prior to November 24th 1991. It wasn't the same watching the guys perform without Freddie. I guess that his legend has been cemented even more by this tour, as no matter how great a singer Paul Rogers is, he's not the total package that Freddie was. To be te front man for Queen, you need energy to prance around the stage to play the audience, Rogers hasn't the energy, nor do I think he ever did. Still his craftmanship in terms of his voice and his own presentation was first class. I saw Simon and Garfunkel at the same arena last year, and to be honest they were among the best concerts I've seen in years. I guess age makes you better.

There you have it, a new entry, and one which is perhaps shorter than I expected, but in general lot's longer than those that have gone before. I do hope to return to this place soon I need too. It does help being able to let out everything that is in my heart and head. It's great to not have to worry about what most people will say, as for on the whole, the people mentioned in here don't have a clue this place exists. That's the way I want to keep it for a while longer. I know it's unfair, but it's a place for me to let everything go.