Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Friggin Appointment

Now then, you go to a hospital to improve your health, to make you better. That's what I thought it was all about anyway. So, let's recap this, I went into hospital earlier this year for some surgery. Nothing major, just corrective surgery.

I was then told that I would be sent a follow up appointment in 3 months time, just to be able to track the date of this entry into hospital, the Pope's funneral was on the Friday I left hospital. So, that was way back in what? April of 2005. So here I am waiting for the follow up appointment, which arrives for the start of July. The problem is that the appointment clashes with some training, so I ring them up, a bit stressed by this but ok. Another date arrives and yet more clashes! I ring up confirm a date over the phone with them that doesn't clash, only to get a letter to tell me the doctor is on holiday that week, and the appointment has been put back, to a date which clashed with playscheme's.

So with releif I set off for this appointment, after 4 dates which were unsuitable to either myself of the doctor, we had found a date good for us both. This appointment though was in the town of Leicester, which is a good 90 or so miles away. I set off in plenty of time on a nice day, knowing I'd hit some roadworks on the motorway down there, but so what I had time.

I got to a service station with a couple of hours to spare, about 25 miles outside of where I should be happy and contented that I hadn't rushed and I'd have plenty of time to get into the hospital and perhaps even grab something to eat. I was even planning what to do on the way home. I wish I hadn't as I ended up in a ditch with my car. I clipped the kerb, coming off a roundabout, and the car jumped onto the grass verge and slidded into the ditch. I managed to get it stuck, which was even more impressive. I couldn't move the car.

Some guy stopped and phoned someone to come and help me, but after half an hour or more even no one had come, and when another couple stopped and called the police I was getting a bit hot, flustered and very much stressed out. The police came, called for a company to pull the vehicle out and then checked my tyres, 2mm under the legal limit!!! As they'd been called to an accident, and it had to be reported he had to issue me with either a court date or an instant fine and 6 points on my drivers license. That's half the amount to a ban, I'm not happy with it, but I've got to accept it. The fine is £60, and once the bill for some new tyres and recovery had been totalled I was a further £230 lighter.

With all that happening, guess what I didn't do? That's right the hospital appointment wasn't met, which means at some point I've got to go back down there again. I've got a feeling that I'm not meant to get back to that hospital, and I'm certainly not looking forward to that trip again.

The money I had to pay yesterday has totalled my bank account till pay day, which is another 3 weeks away, and thus I'm flat broke till then. I'd just managed to get back on my feet from changing my job in May. By that I'd just got around to being able to leave money in my account at the end of the month and have enough to play with. Not anymore and even with the over time money coming in, I've still got to pay my mum for my season ticket and have my car tax, insurance and MOT to pay for. I'm going to be broke for a few more months again.

Here's me thinking Hospitals are there to make you better........

Saturday, August 27, 2005

The L word

I can't use the L word, not to describe myself anyway, I can love Lisa for obvious reasons, I love the children I work with, but that's about it. I can't bring myself around to using that word about myself. I have never used that phrase in terms of myself.

If I examine myself and those around me, I can think of perhaps 3, possibly 4 people who I could say loved me, my mum, Lisa, Amelia (my neice) and possibly my sister. I don't know about my sister, but I am certain of the previous 3. The problem with the previous three is simple they all fall under the same category as far as I'm concerned. I regard Lisa as much a part of my family as my mum and my sister. In fact I put Lisa before my sister. None of those mentioned really need to tell me I love you or like you for that matter as I know it's true.

If I can't love me, and only "family" do love me, where does that leave me? I'm at a loss to think really, nobody likes me, most people consider me a freak, a failure and nothing better than the dog shit that they've just stood in. Am I as unloveable as I am unemployable???? It certainly seems that way to me, and it does my self confidence a world of no good. I can't carry on like this. I've got to alter it, but how I don't know. If I were to know I'd be rich and not writing here that I need the answer.

What Am I?

A week has gone since my last post, I don't really know why I've left it so long, but I did and it wasn't good.

Right now this post will be short. I'm so down on myself, I could do with some help to restore my self confidence, my self belief that I am human. I feel like everyone considers me a freak, I'm not, but that's how it feels.

I feel I'm ugly, I feel I'm fat, I feel that everyone laughs at me. I'm so self conscious that it's unreal. I am worthless, I can't recall the last time I got a compliment, and that hurts. I must be shit, I must be ugly, I must be everything that I feel is wrong with me.

I've given myself some time and space and it's not worked. That word that people use, the L _ _ E word I can't bring myself to say about myself, the other one like is too good for me. Right now if I were to die in mysleep it would be better for everyone. I hate myself, and that's the kindest thing I can say about myself

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Tainted Tingly Feelings

Well it's over, Playscheme's are over for another year and am I glad..... I'm not normally glad about this event, for two reasons, normally it's sad that something that I've enjoyed and been a part of is ending, and secondly it's meant that the summer holidays is nearly over and I'll be back in school very soon. As those who have read this before will know, the later of the above is no longer a problem as I return to work on Monday rather than a couple of weeks. That makes it easier to a point to accept. The problem I think is because I have such high expectation levels of myself and I never meet them, so I become depressed about this and certainly has led to major disapointment from this year.

Yesterday wasn't too bad though, I got to work and had my breakfast (I'd decided to treat myself and pig out. I drove up to a sandwich shop, and got myself a bin lid. A barm cake with 2 sausages, 2 rashers of bacon and 2 fried eggs on it.). Once completed and once we'd picked my phone which I'd forgot up, off to the playscheme we went. We weren't going to do much seeing as it was the last day, perhaps go to the park in the afternoon, but nothing much else. Then the child that attacked me a couple of weeks ago kicked off. This time he was out of his chair and in a room on his own. We had to spend a good 30 to 40 minutes trying to keep him safe, which was difficult. We couldn't go in and physically try and calm him down, he'd injure us and himself most likely. So to use a police phrase, it was more about containment, and making things safe.

We call the child's mum for suggestions as this wasn't just a normal 5 or 10 minute thing, she came to try and calm him. By the time she came though he'd chilled, but she felt it was best to take him home. It was a shame really, but it wasn't safe to keep him around when he's in that sort of mood. It took the two members of staff to contain him, while leaving the volunteers to look after the other children.

Once he'd gone we decided to go to the park in the afternoon after all. That was a really nice idea, as the day was beautiful and the kids loved it. They may only have played on the swings and other playground equipment, but it's all they wanted. We went for a walk to the small garden centre in the park and had a drink in the cafe, before heading back to the bus and the journey back to base and dropping the children off home. We were finished by 3.30, and I was ready to head down to the pub by 4.00pm.

Once my car was full of people, and a detour to my mum's and then to my place to get changed and drop the car off, it was straight to the pub. This was going to be a night where I was going to drink for England and possibly head off into Manchester to go to a club if enough people were willing to go. Shame that no one else really wanted to go into Manchester, but the shout went up around 6pm if we wanted to go for a curry instead. I was certainly up for that, and a good chat as well. So around 8pm we left the pub, which in many ways was too early, but still we could have a drink at the curry house. The meal was great and apart from messing the table up (traditional with curries - at least it is here), the whole evening was kewl. Yes, I got drunk, but who cares? I'd had a good time and even if I was at home by 11.00 it wasn't as if I was down on myself for it.

I'm up this morning and it's a strange feeling. Yes, I know I was drunk, but I've no hangover to deal with. I think that every time I woke up in the middle of the night I had at least 1/2 a litre of water to moisten my mouth. That's helepd me prevent the menace of a hang over. No the problem this morning is that the curry is performing it's nasty suprises. My flat smells of curry this morning and I didn't bring any of it home to eat either. I think those of you who have had a curry will understand what I mean. Billy Connelly refer's to it as Ghandi's revenge. It's not that I didn't expect it, but this is one of the few times that it's struck me.

Today is also the first time this season (2nd game) that I'm going to see my soccer team, Man Utd play. I'm getting that first game tingly feeling in my stomach right now. Those of you who watch sport will understand what I mean by this. It's exciting, it's thrilling and also like a reunion. I'll see old faces from many season's worth of watching and behind it all though is a tainted feeling for once. I don't have exculsive rights to the season ticket this year, me and my best friend are sharing it. The take over by the Glazer clan from Tampa has also added fuel to the tainted feelings. This isn't like any season before, and I doubt it won't be like any season again.

Yesterday I mention about me going into my own little world. I said that I'd explain it, and I'll attempt too. A few years ago a close friend in the middle of a fight, which would lead to the terminal ending of the friendship told me that I lived inside my own little world. I knew what she meant by that, but to be honest I wouldn't accept it. Yesterday though, in writing the same phrase without realising it, I've accepted what was said, but in a different way I think.

I honestly think we all have our own little world in which we retreat in good or bad times, it's a place of security and comfort. It's all about how often we enter this space I guess. In the past I've often lived out of this place for months and even years I guess, without coming out. When I did come out of it, I was probably a different person to the one the world knew. Yesterday though I used it in a way which is probably more closer to the truth.

I am aware more so than anyone else that I'm very negative towards myself, and that any small amount of critisim from anyone leads me to think that no matter what I do I've failed what ever I was doing. I don't like to be given any sort of negative, I know no one does, but other people can accept that negatives can help in the future. I don't see it like that, for me if I've got negative feed back then I fail, and I enter my own world and examine everything that has gone on. To use the playscheme's as an example, I got suggestions on how to make things better. All well and good, but to me I've read that as being a failure on my part to run the best scheme I possibly could. It's spoilt the playscheme for me,and has led to alot of my unhappiness this year with playscheme's. This is me, this is me slipping back into my own little world and examining where I went wrong, looking for a reason as to why I didn't do the little things to make sure that I wouldn't be told what to do? I've spent the past couple of weeks really trying to sort it out in my head and I'm no closer to it.

My own little world is probably best described as being the worst place in the world for me to be, but I'm always there and it does effect me. It doesn't help having little to no self esteem, no self value. If in a position to mock myself I do, often further than others can imagine. Whilst out last night, we started asking silly questions of each other (one person did, but as we'd all had a drink we all answered), the two which stick in my memory is "What meal would you compare yourself to?" "What animal do you compare yourself with?". My answers were for the meal question "Beans on Toast, as it's cheap, common and often the last resort". I meant the last part as well, people often see me as the last resort to talk too or to be around. It certainly took everyone by suprise. Then to the animal question after a long list of large predatory animals I came out with "earthworm, as I'd be at the bottom of the food chain." I guess that none of the group I was out with last night expected that sort of answer from me, but that's how I am. That's why any negative compounds my feelings towards myself and confirms everything that I feel about myself.

I said when I started looking for a new job in this blog that if I didn't get the job at barnardo's that I'd be unemployable, that's a prime example of how I feel about me, and how my own little I think of myself. I am trying to improve on this and to a point I have, I used to be far worse than I am now. At least right now I can say that I like myself, as even that word "like" was never used by myself at one point in conversation relating to myself.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Here We Go

Well this is it, the final day of playscheme's for this year. After a day off yesterday, in which I tried to relax and stop stressing out. I did manage to do that to some extent, but as is seemingly always the case I brought myself back to that subject. Anyway, I intend to try and enjoy myself today and not let anything stress me. Mind you knowing the way I am something will stress me. Something will happen and I'll be back in my own world.

I'll explain that last comment sometime soon, I realised something within that comment, something someone said to me many years ago. I do need to explore that. I need to write and explore my thoughts on it..... please be patient and wait for it.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Part 1 finished

So the playscheme that I have ran this year has finished. I'm a little sad, but also estatic that it's over. I've not really enjoyed this year in many ways, mainly as I've not had the greatest set of volunteers. Some of them were very, very good and I would love to see them return, but I know from experience that it's going to be the worst volunteers who are going to return.

On Tuesday, I stayed in the base all day as half the group went to the cinema to see Madagascar. I took the other half the other week, so I remained at the base, only to find my boss and new line manager arrive. It was a shock as I hadn't expected them to appear like that and something which threw me a bit. They may have only been there for around 40 minutes, but it seemed to be for ever and a day. It didn't help when the line manager started to take over, which made me feel really small. After they left, things got back to 'normal' as such. After lunch and the other half of the group returned we had a sports development officer come to the scheme to run through a few games. This officer runs a group for Barnardo's on a Tuesday night during the winter. She really did do a good job and made the afternoon a wonderful event.

Yesterday, I took my half of the group to a local nature point for a percussion workshop. This worked very well, I was shocked that it worked as well as it did. The people that ran it came down to the level of the children and made the session special. I would love to be able to get them to come to us rather than them coming to them. It would make it better and easier for us all I think. During the afternoon yesterday the whole group had a barbaque, and best of all a water fight. The children loved it, and loved pouring bucket loads of water over ME! Ok, so I just sat on the floor and let them do this, but they all enjoyed the chance to get there own back after all the 4 weeks of me moaning at them.

Once the playscheme had finished it was off to base and then the pub. It had been planned that along with some friends, I'd go for a meal last night. Although the most important person dropped out at the last minute the three of us who were left went out and had an enjoyable meal. It was an Italian, but I've had better from there and perhaps will look elsewhere the next time I consider going for an Italian. The journey home was fun, if only for me taking a rather long short cut and getting slightly lost. As it is, I got home feeling rather tired. I'm glad that I've got an appointment today as I probably would have been conscripted to a playscheme today. The reason for this is that the A level examination results are out, which has an effect on the number of volunteers able to attend playshceme's.

I'm going to have a quiet day today me thinks, though I've got some work to do, and a few appointments, I've nothing too major I don't think. Once all the appointments and odd jobs are done I'm going to try and relax. Tomorrow I'm on playscheme's again the mini scheme which I've been working on every Friday and that's it. Tomorrow is the last day of playscheme's for Barnardo's in 2005. It has flown by in many ways and it doesn't seem like 5 minutes ago since we started them, but started them we did and finishing them we will tomorrow. It's certainly a visit to the pub tomorrow night for what is traditionally a big party. Lot's of people getting drunk and some of us tend to end up going out to a club in Manchester for a dance to let our hair down after so much stress and tension.

Once that is done, I've got Saturday to look forward too. It's United's first home game of the new soccer season. That is normally a good thing, and it is for sure!! I'm going to this game and though I've been engrossed by the recent cricket series, I've missed going to the soccer. Bring on Saturday!!!

Saturday, August 13, 2005

I Promised and I deliver

Well I said that I would write over the weekend with a review of the past week. It's been the 3rd week of playschemes and often this is the hardest week of all. The first two seem to fly by, but this one is the one which hurts the most. I think it's the realisation of how much work has gone into them, and that at this point you are settling into a pattern of work with them. That's when things stop being exciting and new, but regular and mundane, which then becomes tiring.

Tuesday was the day the Ofsted inspector arrived, I'd predicted this as the day to be honest, and I was correct. Things could have been worse, they could have been better, but if things had been perfect would that have been a good picture of the playscheme? No, it wouldn't things have been far from perfect, and I'd never expect a playscheme to be perfect. Many things went well and she was impressed by various aspects of the scheme, and others were lacking. It has helped me somewhat in terms of planning for next year and also for idea's of what to do next time. The problem that evolved out of her visit was that by the time she left, it was too late for me to take my group to the bowling alley, so we trotted off to the local park.

We had an incident during the day, which I've not come across before on a playscheme, which was good in many ways. I dealt with it the best way I could and perhaps the only way I could have. I'm more than happy with the way I dealt with that, though it didn't take away any of the problems, it just proved to me that I was doing things in the correct way.

Wednesday was our day trip to the local Theme Park, which the kids loved. They always love that place and as they get to go on the rides quickly because of the disabilities (I know it isn't always fair them jumping the lines, but it is helpful). I only went on one ride late in the day, the log flume. I got a bit wet, but not as wet as some of the volunteers. I had other things to concern myself with, like being at the base camp incase something happened. It was a pleasant day to be honest, which went without a hitch. It was the last day on playscheme's for a couple of the kids and they left feeling happy about the experience, which filled me with much joy.

Wednesday night saw me go around to my friends house for a meal and a sort of house warming. It was a very odd night, in that I was feeling very tired. I think it was partly due to the inspection the previous day. It took a lot of energy out of me and Wednesday night I relaxed. We went for a curry at the local Indian restaurant, which was ok, but wasn't the greatest. We then went back to the flat and had a couple more drinks. I took the spare bed and left a couple of others to fight over the sofa and the mattress on the floor. As I said in the previous post, I had little sleep, as the quilt was very warm, despite having the window wide open in the room. The flat was really nice and I really like what they've done with it.

Thursday I did an extra day on playscheme's by driving for one of the other scheme's to the local junior theme park. That wasn't as bad for me as the previous day as I wasn't in charge, but it was still fraught. I found myself doing possibly more than I would and perhaps should have done. I survived the day, but not without serious questions about things. I was very pissed off at someone for the way the day had panned out and while I don't blame them to a point I do blame them for other things.

Friday was a quiet and peaceful day in terms of playscheme. I was on the mini scheme again, and unlike last week I wasn't attacked. I made sure that I didn't end up in that situation again and we had a really nice day. After the day was over it was straight to the pub again for a few drinks before coming home for a chinese. I must say that my chinese wasn't as good as normal from the place I ordered it from, yet it was still really nice. I have to get my head sorted on what I do and do not like from there.

I guess that today's colour has been dictated by me as the soccer season started over here in earnest today. Both my teams, Man Utd and FC United of Manchester won. I was more impressed by FCUM than Man Utd, but that will be the case for most of the season as they are a brand new team.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Weekend Work

I promise that at some point over the coming weekend, I'll write and extensive review of the past week. I'm sitting here wanting to write loads and yet my eyes and body are screaming at me to finish. I was out last night and though I did sleep it was only about 2 hours as I was in an unfamiliar bed and got too hot. More on that over the weekend.

If I feel I'd get away with it, I'd not go into work tomorrow, but I doubt I can do that, but I can arrive later than normal and possibly cause a stir. Attention seeking perhaps? No, just that I am feeling a little pissed off and wish to make a statement.

Monday, August 08, 2005


Well I've been and had the ECG as requested by my endocrinologist and the doctor is saying that I've nothing to worry about. That is a weight of my shoulders, even if I had no worries over my hearts health.

I can no sit down and consider what to do with the rest of the day. I do at some point have to go into the office to make a couple of work related phone calls and to catch up with my time sheets. I like to make sure that they are kept upto date as it's important that I recall exactly when I was in and for how long. That way I don't have to keep a note of everything. I should also get one or two things sorted for tomorrow on the playscheme, but that can probably wait till later.

As for anything else? Well not a lot to be honest, this weekend has been something of a relaxing weekend, watching sports and not doing too much. I could go and get some parts together for my bike so I can do a couple of repairs on it, but hey that can wait, I'm not going to go out on my bike today anyway.

For someone who know's the know this is the closest I can find to the request....

Sunday, August 07, 2005

He Got Me

Well it's near the end of the weekend and I've got another 2 weeks of playscheme's to look forward too. I must say I'm thrilled at the thought, I'm so excited that I could go and support the Calgary Flames..... Seriously though being half way through seems like a godsend. I've never ever felt like this before about Playscheme's, which is a bit of a concern, but he it's life and I've got to get on with it.

Friday saw me on the mini scheme again, and yes I got attacked. A child in a wheelchair with a reach range of 180 degree's managed to attack my hands whilst I was pushing the wheelchair he was sitting in. I've got scratch marks on my arms and hands, which though not too sore right now can be. I've noticed since he did them that any sort of heat and my arms and hands start to get very sore very quickly. To add insult to injury this child managed to rip my hooded top that I had on. It was unprovoked, and so I had no idea this was going to happen. I did manage to figure out what the cause was, but it's too late once the horse has bolted. It was a good job that I managed to realise what his intentions were straight away or he'd have been biting my fingers off.

Saturday saw me at a wedding. It was an old friend from Uni, to whom I was very close for a long time. We were probably each others best friends during the time at Uni, and I have to thank her for all the support she gave me at that time and since. If I was to say that at one point she was the equal of Lisa, you can understand how much she meant to me. We however lost touch and hadn't spoken to each other till late last year, when I found her online and emailed her. Since then a couple of emails and more recently a couple of visits have brought us back together. She looked stunning in her dress and I must admit that I was a tad jealous, but that's another tale for me to tell. It wasn't my place to let it effect me, which in turn could affect her day.

The wedding went very well and was made all the more better by the company of another uni friend whom I speak to regulary, but haven't seen for 5 or 6 years. I guess that I've let that to long, but things always seem to stop me from going to see her. It was such a nice day, in a beautiful setting.

Tomorrow I'm having an ECG done at my doctor's on the recommendation of the endocrinologist. I'm not sure why she's asked me to do this, but I suspect it's something to do with her suprise that my resting heart beat was recorded at 60 bpm last week. This was after I admitted that I don't do half as much exercise as I should and about 8 times less than I used to. She also seems to think that while checking my heart she encountered a skipped beat. I've never had any heart trouble so to speak, but I guess there is always a first.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

The Second Week

Having finished the second week of my own playscheme, I must say that I'm still not happy with the volunteers that I've got. I still don't want to tell them what they should do, they are not children, but they can't take any hints then so be it, I'll treat them like they are the children.

I think the low point this week was the fact that one of volunteers just wouldn't go work with the child we'd asked her to do so. I wouldn't mind, but this child needed changing and she'd not been around to notice. I had to go and find this out for myself. It wasn't very nice finding that out and more so with the volunteer sat in another part of the building. I've been told off often before now for how I treat the volunteers and I guess my own high standards has led to me forgetting that these volunteers aren't that far beyond being children themselves. Still if asked to stay with the child they should at least do that.

In terms of activities this past week, I've taken my group out to the local soft play zone, that was fun, they loved it in there. I know it isn't the most inovative idea, but they wanted it. Yesterday I took them to see Madagascar, which I found to be funny, but not in the Shrek class. The film was full of the tried and tested formula for the newer animated features, and Shrek set such high standards that nothing compares to it these days. Perhaps the first non Disney, Pixar film will match Shrek.

Today was a day of rest, but included in that was a trip to Leeds for a hospital appointment, only to find out that although I'm healthy and the doctor was stunned at my low heart rate, she wants me to have an ECG. It's mind blowing, but as my body is like a mine field in terms of results of blood tests nothing these days suprises me.

And now onto something different..... Thank You Janet, your comments keep cheering me up, as much as Chris Pronger signing for the Oilers did all Oiler fans. You have my permission to link these ramblings to your site if you so wish. It may boost the numbers over here and one or two more comments can be made... Oh and the next time you leave a message, why no suggest a colour for me to use in the next post..