I can't use the L word, not to describe myself anyway, I can love Lisa for obvious reasons, I love the children I work with, but that's about it. I can't bring myself around to using that word about myself. I have never used that phrase in terms of myself.
If I examine myself and those around me, I can think of perhaps 3, possibly 4 people who I could say loved me, my mum, Lisa, Amelia (my neice) and possibly my sister. I don't know about my sister, but I am certain of the previous 3. The problem with the previous three is simple they all fall under the same category as far as I'm concerned. I regard Lisa as much a part of my family as my mum and my sister. In fact I put Lisa before my sister. None of those mentioned really need to tell me I love you or like you for that matter as I know it's true.
If I can't love me, and only "family" do love me, where does that leave me? I'm at a loss to think really, nobody likes me, most people consider me a freak, a failure and nothing better than the dog shit that they've just stood in. Am I as unloveable as I am unemployable???? It certainly seems that way to me, and it does my self confidence a world of no good. I can't carry on like this. I've got to alter it, but how I don't know. If I were to know I'd be rich and not writing here that I need the answer.
1 comment:
Hi Leia,
This is Alan (worcssabre23)
By complete chance I stumbled upon your blog, and Ive read quite a few entries, but not all of your blog. My criteria for reading your posts wasnt to judge you or critique your life or lifestyle and life choices and etc.. but just to put some proverbial flesh on the bear bones of someone I knew on the channel 5 website forum.
I'm not going to sit here and say to you that I have all the answers to life's problems, but I can share my own experiences with you.
I think in someways we have a few things in common. I tend to sit at home and analyse and go over things which have happened in my life. I think we've all made mistakes, and we all wish to have certain events in our lives back so we could say and do things in a different way. Hindsight is 20/20 so they say over here. You live in your flat in Salford and I live something like 4000 odd miles away from my family. So I have no one here, no real friends as such. I think there are certain people in this world, there are the types who are able to think in the present and forget about the past and there are those who look at the present and are cursed to be haunted by their past. I think your observation about people retreating into their own little safe world is so true. I do it, I look at pictures of places Ive been to as a kid and as a bigger kid {:)} which reminds me of good times which I had. Ive had problems in settling over here in the states, I took a chance in moving over here and things never went as well as I thought they would. Low self esteem is a problem Ive always had too since I was a kid right to now. Ive always analysed mental and verbal abuse by people, and I could never understand why people do it and why me? and I think the truth is that there is no rhyme and reason to it. As with analisation, verbal and mental abuse for me is something which Ive had trouble dealing with. Certain people can get ignore mental and verbal abuse and dismiss it. I can't I'm vunerable, and I let it get to me where I over analyse and dwell upon it and I let it get me down. Ive been like you, but in the states where Ive sat alone and contemplated life and how merciless and cruel it seems to be and asked a simple question why me? What have I done to deserve this? Why do people treat me and look upon me as being no better than a piece of crap? And the truth is that there is no simple answer to all of this. It's either how your luck is or that maybe you were made to suffer?
Of course depression is the lone stalker which inhabits the darkest place in your conscience. Winston Churchill called it the black dog, and for someone who was voted the greatest person of the 20th century, derpession can afflict the best of us.
I remember watching a TV programme about alchoholics and a recurring theme with them was to take it one day at a time.Ive had good days and bad, and I'm sure you have too, but believe it or not there are people rooting for you, people care. You may not think it a times, but honestly there is.
I'll tell you something now, and you may think I'm lying but Ive only known you from the channel 5 website, but something inside me said to me to make sure that you joined the fantasy league? I can't explain why? but something has always inclined me to think of you as a good person. That's why I went out of my way to make sure you had the last place.
Rest assured Leia I'll be watching and reading and hoping that you get your life back on track.
Incidentally, my wife (from Buffalo) is a Man Utd fan and a hockey fan too. (she's Sabres supporter) I can't stand Man Utd myself, (mainly because I'm a Palace fan ;) ) but Ive been to Old Trafford, and I bought some Man Utd merchandise for my missus whilst I was there.We watched the thriller at the Villa last night (the arsenal FA cup Giggs wonder goal game) I know Man Utd pretty well, I can tell Duncan Edwards (from Dudley) from Jimmy & Brian Greenoff (sp)!!!
Anyway Leia, keep on writing your blog and keep your chin up kid!! Dont forget you can always e mail me hiscoresboards@msn.com if you want to chat. I'll always find time for ya mate!!
all the best
Alan
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