Well it's over, Playscheme's are over for another year and am I glad..... I'm not normally glad about this event, for two reasons, normally it's sad that something that I've enjoyed and been a part of is ending, and secondly it's meant that the summer holidays is nearly over and I'll be back in school very soon. As those who have read this before will know, the later of the above is no longer a problem as I return to work on Monday rather than a couple of weeks. That makes it easier to a point to accept. The problem I think is because I have such high expectation levels of myself and I never meet them, so I become depressed about this and certainly has led to major disapointment from this year.
Yesterday wasn't too bad though, I got to work and had my breakfast (I'd decided to treat myself and pig out. I drove up to a sandwich shop, and got myself a bin lid. A barm cake with 2 sausages, 2 rashers of bacon and 2 fried eggs on it.). Once completed and once we'd picked my phone which I'd forgot up, off to the playscheme we went. We weren't going to do much seeing as it was the last day, perhaps go to the park in the afternoon, but nothing much else. Then the child that attacked me a couple of weeks ago kicked off. This time he was out of his chair and in a room on his own. We had to spend a good 30 to 40 minutes trying to keep him safe, which was difficult. We couldn't go in and physically try and calm him down, he'd injure us and himself most likely. So to use a police phrase, it was more about containment, and making things safe.
We call the child's mum for suggestions as this wasn't just a normal 5 or 10 minute thing, she came to try and calm him. By the time she came though he'd chilled, but she felt it was best to take him home. It was a shame really, but it wasn't safe to keep him around when he's in that sort of mood. It took the two members of staff to contain him, while leaving the volunteers to look after the other children.
Once he'd gone we decided to go to the park in the afternoon after all. That was a really nice idea, as the day was beautiful and the kids loved it. They may only have played on the swings and other playground equipment, but it's all they wanted. We went for a walk to the small garden centre in the park and had a drink in the cafe, before heading back to the bus and the journey back to base and dropping the children off home. We were finished by 3.30, and I was ready to head down to the pub by 4.00pm.
Once my car was full of people, and a detour to my mum's and then to my place to get changed and drop the car off, it was straight to the pub. This was going to be a night where I was going to drink for England and possibly head off into Manchester to go to a club if enough people were willing to go. Shame that no one else really wanted to go into Manchester, but the shout went up around 6pm if we wanted to go for a curry instead. I was certainly up for that, and a good chat as well. So around 8pm we left the pub, which in many ways was too early, but still we could have a drink at the curry house. The meal was great and apart from messing the table up (traditional with curries - at least it is here), the whole evening was kewl. Yes, I got drunk, but who cares? I'd had a good time and even if I was at home by 11.00 it wasn't as if I was down on myself for it.
I'm up this morning and it's a strange feeling. Yes, I know I was drunk, but I've no hangover to deal with. I think that every time I woke up in the middle of the night I had at least 1/2 a litre of water to moisten my mouth. That's helepd me prevent the menace of a hang over. No the problem this morning is that the curry is performing it's nasty suprises. My flat smells of curry this morning and I didn't bring any of it home to eat either. I think those of you who have had a curry will understand what I mean. Billy Connelly refer's to it as Ghandi's revenge. It's not that I didn't expect it, but this is one of the few times that it's struck me.
Today is also the first time this season (2nd game) that I'm going to see my soccer team, Man Utd play. I'm getting that first game tingly feeling in my stomach right now. Those of you who watch sport will understand what I mean by this. It's exciting, it's thrilling and also like a reunion. I'll see old faces from many season's worth of watching and behind it all though is a tainted feeling for once. I don't have exculsive rights to the season ticket this year, me and my best friend are sharing it. The take over by the Glazer clan from Tampa has also added fuel to the tainted feelings. This isn't like any season before, and I doubt it won't be like any season again.
Yesterday I mention about me going into my own little world. I said that I'd explain it, and I'll attempt too. A few years ago a close friend in the middle of a fight, which would lead to the terminal ending of the friendship told me that I lived inside my own little world. I knew what she meant by that, but to be honest I wouldn't accept it. Yesterday though, in writing the same phrase without realising it, I've accepted what was said, but in a different way I think.
I honestly think we all have our own little world in which we retreat in good or bad times, it's a place of security and comfort. It's all about how often we enter this space I guess. In the past I've often lived out of this place for months and even years I guess, without coming out. When I did come out of it, I was probably a different person to the one the world knew. Yesterday though I used it in a way which is probably more closer to the truth.
I am aware more so than anyone else that I'm very negative towards myself, and that any small amount of critisim from anyone leads me to think that no matter what I do I've failed what ever I was doing. I don't like to be given any sort of negative, I know no one does, but other people can accept that negatives can help in the future. I don't see it like that, for me if I've got negative feed back then I fail, and I enter my own world and examine everything that has gone on. To use the playscheme's as an example, I got suggestions on how to make things better. All well and good, but to me I've read that as being a failure on my part to run the best scheme I possibly could. It's spoilt the playscheme for me,and has led to alot of my unhappiness this year with playscheme's. This is me, this is me slipping back into my own little world and examining where I went wrong, looking for a reason as to why I didn't do the little things to make sure that I wouldn't be told what to do? I've spent the past couple of weeks really trying to sort it out in my head and I'm no closer to it.
My own little world is probably best described as being the worst place in the world for me to be, but I'm always there and it does effect me. It doesn't help having little to no self esteem, no self value. If in a position to mock myself I do, often further than others can imagine. Whilst out last night, we started asking silly questions of each other (one person did, but as we'd all had a drink we all answered), the two which stick in my memory is "What meal would you compare yourself to?" "What animal do you compare yourself with?". My answers were for the meal question "Beans on Toast, as it's cheap, common and often the last resort". I meant the last part as well, people often see me as the last resort to talk too or to be around. It certainly took everyone by suprise. Then to the animal question after a long list of large predatory animals I came out with "earthworm, as I'd be at the bottom of the food chain." I guess that none of the group I was out with last night expected that sort of answer from me, but that's how I am. That's why any negative compounds my feelings towards myself and confirms everything that I feel about myself.
I said when I started looking for a new job in this blog that if I didn't get the job at barnardo's that I'd be unemployable, that's a prime example of how I feel about me, and how my own little I think of myself. I am trying to improve on this and to a point I have, I used to be far worse than I am now. At least right now I can say that I like myself, as even that word "like" was never used by myself at one point in conversation relating to myself.
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