Monday, September 12, 2005

What is pain?

What is pain? Is it something physical? Is it something mental? Is it both? How do you deal with it? Why does it happen?

It may be strange that I am asking such questions, after all I've been to Uni, I'm fairly intelligent and have more an understanding of pain than most. I've suffered physical, mental and both in my life time. I can accept it exists I think, I know physically it exists, shit I wouldn't recommend for one minute anyone goes and ruptures your anterior cruciate ligaments, that is pain. I'm sure I've mentioned this, but the day I did mine, and the sheer stupidity of myself, instead of going to the hospital, I went tot he pub, and went through 8 bottles of Grolsh, and 4 JD & Cokes, just to try and get rid of the pain. It didn't work either.

So why do I question it, well I'm not sort of questioning it, I guess it's just me trying to figure out, why I'm so depressed right now. The money situation isn't good, but I'm living ok, and I'm not having to give anything up to date. I'll cope like I always do. I think it's more to do with me and how I think about me. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a fat, ugly bitch, who never goes out and has no self confidence. There are many reasons why I think like this, and many a time I could go out I don't as I don't want to spoil the night for anyone else. No one really likes me, they put up with me and that's something I know, but I don't think they realise that I know.

How does that make me feel? It makes me feel like a member of some sort of underclass. I'm treated as such at work, and it hurts like mad. I can't see why people treat me the way I do. I can't seem to be able to stop them, even by changing jobs I've ended up in the same position as I was, that's with a new manager. I'm even starting to question if I'm any good at the job I do! That's the worst thing I can do, as I've already convinced myself that it's the thing I do best, and if I'm no good at that, then I might as well forget everything.

I had a phone call last night off someone I know, and she was talking about the fact she's going for some facial surgery in November. I wouldn't mind, but she's 200% better looking than myself, and yet she says she needs this surgery to make her look normal. How the hell do you think that made me feel? In the end, I had to hang up on her, I felt like shit, I looked like shit and I made a note that come October if things are better, in terms of my own mental state, that's it everything comes to an end. I can't carry on like this, it's not fair to me, nor to others, I can't carry on and there isn't any point to carrying on. In the deck of cards that is life, I've been dealt with 52 jokers.

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