Thursday, November 17, 2005

Fleeting

Well it has been fleeting, but it was ever so nice. My spell of happiness at work has come to an abrupt end. Whilst still trying to be positive about what I do, it seems that what ever I do I do wrong. I can't do anything right.

The biggest problem area is my group. I've said before that this group is considered to be a problem group by many outside of work, and at the school I used to work at. Now this group is getting worse. I don't know what I can do to make it work again. I'm trying every trick and turn that I can to make it happen, but it just doesn't want to go, it's like the square trying to fit into a circle. My line manager know's it's a problem and wants to take a child off the group and make them into a 1-1, which would be better for him, but she wants him to still come out on the group and be a "part of the group". I'm sorry, but it's just going make things even crazier.... I'll go along with this, but just wait till it goes wrong.

I'm being told that the group isn't to go out again and that we need to become a base group, but that's not what the children want, but if that's what the order is well and good. I know that I've been failing the group, and that I'll try and make amends in the coming weeks, but it's very hard. I think I'm going to have to go into hyper mode, and go right over the top to make this happen. I don't care, from next week we are going to see me taking on the whole group and leaving the volunteers with as little to do as possible. If I get told to back off then, I know I'm a failure and to look for a new job. It's very sad to say that, but I'm just about convinced that I'm failing more than ever. I'm no good at what I'm doing.

Where does this take me? I really don't know, as this is something I really didn't want to consider, I've always considered myself to be good at this, and have been very confident, but I'm very rapidly losing that confidence. I'm going to try and rediscover that confidence or my life will be lost and I'll have no hope, no career or no future. It's like a red hot iron tearing through your heart, but I've got to stand up and realise this. I'm an adult now, nothing is preventing me from doing anything, my past has gone and left me. Now is the time I should be grasping the tail of my future and this just isn't happening right now. Perhaps a chat to the people that know me best, but that's getting increasingly more difficult.

Still you never know what's around the corner, something good might pop up and shock me. It normally does, but hey that's life I suspect.

A strange but true thing just happened. As I was about to sign off, this post. With talk of past and future, I'm here at a mid point in my life. The song that just hit my music player is.....

Midlife Crisis by Faith No More....

If ever a more apt tune could have been chosen I don't know about it.

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