Same Old

Well as forseen in the mystic eyes of mine, last nights group went as well as previous weeks. Again a child was very ill, sent by school, when he really should have been sent home. I can understand school wanting him to come and them wanting to keep him there, but at the end of the day they have medical staff in the building if anything goes wrong. Having worked on both sides of the fence I'm sort of caught in a very difficult place, trying to appease my current employee's and also trying to work with my past colleagues.

I'm now aware though that change is afoot, this can not continue. Last nights planned activities went out of the window again and has left me very low. I was accused the other week of losing heart with this group, to which I angrily reacted as it was wrong. Now though if I were to be asked again in the next few days I'd have to agree. No matter what I do and who I try to correct things with this group, it doesn't work. I'm convincing myself that it's my fault and that I'm doing a bad job. Even after working on Saturday, and being able to say I can do the group thing, this has knocked that confidence for 6 and more. I'm probably at my lowest ebb with this now. It's at a point where I've written a letter of resignation, which will only be used if things continue to go the way they are.

That of course is a course of action I don't want to take, but right now it's one of the only possible ways out of that group. I don't know what I'd do if I were to do that, but I've been in that position before haven't I!! I know of a possible job at my previous employment i.e. the school, but could I go back there? I really don't know, but the position that I've seen advertised or should I say the job description that I saw being written out could be an interesting development, depending on the wages and prospects.

I've got a supervision meeting on Monday with my line manager, and it's there that I'll be thrashing around all the ideas that I can to try and sort out the group. She's aware of the problems of the group, but it's her that is also the cause of some my moods towards the group and the ideas she's had for the group, has gone against the way the group should be run. I'm getting lost in the tunnels that is my inner thoughts right now and should try and find a way out, before I say something that I shouldn't and also before I get so deep that I start to effect the way I'm going to be today. I could unintentionally write myself into a nice depression which would effect everyone around me. I don't want that, I'm trying to keep happy right now, it's hard enough with everyone else throwing bombs at me without myself trying to do the same.

So what else has gone on? Well not a lot to be honest. I got home and watched the football at mum's last night, which was ok. I'm not being as critical of the team these days as it's obvious that should this team win anything it will be sweeter than ever. They'll have had to work hard for it, unlike previous years when they've just had to show up to win things. That's the sports report as such. When I'm so concerned about work, sport is one of things that I can use as a get out of jail card. Last night though a generally boring and typical European game, it was enough to take my mind straight off work and onto something else. I just wish it had been powerful enough to maintain that through till now.

At least it's half way through the week and even if I've got to go and see Harry Potter for the 4th time tonight, I'm not that bothered. I'm sort of hoping that the child I've got doesn't want to go to the cinema to be honest, but if that what he wants, then that what he shall get. I've worked hard to get him back on my side and it's now starting to show the rewards. I really do want this to work out, and want to help this child get more out of life than he currently is.