Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Oh Well!

I have said before that I don't like Christmas, it's very depressing. I'm slowly falling into the depression that has consumed me over previous Christmas's, but to be honest I don't know why. I have a theory that it's down to the fact I'm so bored, and so unenthused about everything, not only Christmas but life as a whole that I'm starting to fall deeper into myself.

I've been in similar situations before, and have fallen so far into myself that ending it all has at times seemed the only answer. I know I'll hit that point again at some point in my future, my mental make up is such that it is certain to happen again. The question is why do I go that far?

If I look at the situation right now, and ask myself why am I suddenly breaking down and crying at nothing at all, I can not answer. Why do I feel drained and tired all the time, when I'm doing nothing? I know that over Christmas Eve and Day, my mum had my aunt and her grandson stopping over. I know that I helped her do Christmas for them, and I know for a fact that she left me with my second cousin on Christmas Eve, when I have only ever spoke to him about 5 times previously. So in a way it's been a tough period to get through. I've not given myself any chance to relax and enjoy the break. I'd be happy to go into work and even work for free right now, just to give me something to do. Maybe it's doing nothing or I put too much into something which wasn't brilliant which has caused my present situation. I couldn't tell you. I just don't know why I'm suddenly breaking down.

I'm tired of it all though. I just don't know how much I've got left in the tank to carry on with it all. I've been almost wishing myself to have an accident, or for something nasty to happen to myself, in an attempt to alter the route of my life. It's something that I do when I'm on the downward spiral, and so right now I'm sliding down, without any brakes. When will this stop? Will it stop? Do I want it to stop? I don't think I have an answer for myself on this one. I'm so bored of life and what it means to me right now that I wouldn't mind a bout of serious depression. If it means time off work, so what I've got to get myself back on track.

It's really annoying that I've got to look at this all over again, it never seems to go away. Is it work?, Is it me?, Have I done the right things in life?, how do I know? I'm the one questioning it all, and if I had the answers would I be asking the questions? No that's a simple answer, but it says everything doesn't it.

Is it work? Well I think everyone who has read this on a regular basis would know I've not been happy with work for a number of weeks. I've expressed my reasons for that before, but would that alone make me so unhappy right now? Well no, not really, I'm almost grateful for work right now, as it's something to take my mind off things. That's the problem right now I guess or is it? I mean to sort myself out, I've already suggested that I may need to take time off work. If that is case then I'll do it. I know that I've stated that I'd go in work today for free to give me something to do, but if I'm so unhappy there, why should I do that?

So is it ME? I'm not sure on how to answer this one, if indeed there is an answer to it. I have a record of depression, I have a record of feeling depressed around this time of the year. Why is that? Well of course I've constantly put it down to not being able to enjoy myself because of me not being me. Well that's altered, I've sorted out that problem, but others have an effect on me. When they produce things that make me look back, and when for the 6th year in a row, you get socks and a sweatshirt/hooded top, what sort of suprise are you meant to show. Perhaps it's that, which has set me off? That though is part of me, so I guess it could be that, but I'm grateful for the presents, I don't expect them off anyone, why should I?

Have I made the right choices in life? Yes, I've had to be selfish, but we all have to do that at some point in our lives. I'm happy with the way I've taken my life, it's the right road to follow. Others are not so happy, but what can I do? I mean it is not them that has to live my life, it's me. I'm happy with those choices, but others again are effecting me. I've perhaps got to learn to accept that others are never going to be happy with me. If so, how do I not let it affect me? That is something that I've learnt, but often forget how to let go of. I do feel as if I'm in a corner and that everyone is looking at me. I do feel as if everyone see's me as a joke, and that includes those I work with. I am paranoid that people laugh at me, taunt me without me knowing. Perhaps if I didn't take so much notice of others I'd feel better, but that's never going to happen. I've been taunted since I was a young kid, so I know what is going on, I read the situation so well, but never say anything in fear. I guess that's something to work on.

I really don't know, where this is going right now, but I do know is that I'm fed up of life, if it get's any worse over the next few weeks then I've got to do something serious about it. I don't know what, but any more rejection or any more taunts and that's going to blow me apart. Be warned everyone, the next few days and weeks are going to be delicate for myself. Though something in the distance, I can see the road sign over the bridge, the one which states Suicide is an option.

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