Friday, January 27, 2006

Tough Going

The next few days are going to be tough going to be honest. My internet isn't up to speed and due to work commitments and also the appointment with the hair salon, it won't be fixed till Monday. The next few days are going to be difficult here, as I've got a very slow connection, slower than anything I've experienced in years, I'd suggest that at times it's slower than dial-up.

I'll try and pop in and out of a few places here and there, and I'm going to try and find Smallville to bt, and watch if possible, but as the connection isn't great I may have to wait for that. I do want to see that so much. Still patience is needed and it's times like these that mine is both stretched and improved.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Post for post sake

It's been a few days since I last posted and though I've had things to write, and things to empty my mind with, I've not had the urge or desire to blog to be honest. I'm sorry for those of you who check this place out on a regular basis. Anyway, looking around the web this morning and having been to all the places I go too with regularity, I decided it was about time to empty my thoughts and blog.

Whilst I've been trying to forget the actions that led to the previous post, more and more I feel that my own actions were though over the top, justifiable to myself and if that can be good then so be it. I've no sense of regret.

So what else has been going on? Well work has been ok, though difficult. Mainly due to the lack of numbers that I've encountered in terms of volunteers. I can readdress that one quite easily, but to have to just 2 turn up for my group this week was shattering. Not that I had anything really planned, but it was the fact that nothing had we had something planned could have taken place due to the lack of numbers. My line manager came down and helped out, but that served two purposes, one to help ease the burden on us, but secondly to make me feel so under pressure. I feel really awful, when things like that happen, I feel like I'm being watched, which I don't like.

Well I'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow, it's the second time in 3 months and it's going to be a bit of a culture shock I guess. It's one of those things I guess, that I'll have to go on a more regular basis rather than not at all. I know my hair was very long till my previous meeting, and it's no where near that length right now, but I think that by having it cut now, will help me in the long run. I'm not 100% on what I want doing with it, but I'll just wait and see how I feel when I get to the salon.

Okay, here's something for everyone. I don't know what everyone listens too in terms of music, and I know that my taste is really large, I'm using random play on my Window's Media player and having just played "Me and the Farmer" by The Beautiful South, it's gone to "Easy" by Faith No More. Well I've almost found a new radio station, it's been around for a couple of years now I think, but for anyone who likes indie music or just music full stop, then take a listen to "The Revolution"
, this is playing some really good music and new music all the time. I know that it's from Oldham in the UK, and they have strong regional accents, but hey just give the music a listen too. For those with some knowledge of the Manchester music scene will recognise that a couple of the presenters were in big Manchester bands of the early to mid 90's.

So what sporting news? Well United won on Sunday in the last minute against Liverpool, which was so good. At times you hear sportsmen comparing scoring goals or achieving things as better than sex. Well for the fans this was that moment, nothing can beat winning a game against one of your biggest local rivals just like this..... Then last night, United played again and won through to a domestic cup final, which at least gives us the chance to claim the first silverware of the season in late February. Not that it's regarded as being a major trophy, but it's still a cup I guess. The Oilers have lost and won this week, with last night being a big win in Anaheim, a good 6-3 road win always goes down well. This team has the potential, but just needs to be in form come the time of the play-off's. As normal the Oilers blow hot for a couple of weeks and then blow cold for a few weeks more. It's normally the Oilers luck to go cold just at play-off time. Not this time I hope.

Sunday, January 22, 2006


Only a short post this one I think. I'll accept that I go into quite a few message forums online. If only to find a diverse opinion on various subjects. I enjoy the ones I frequent on a regular basis if only as they tend to be on subjects I enjoy.

Today though, I find myself having let myself down some what in one of them, but all because of one word. Now I'm sure that that sounds really daft, but some words just really get to you. I'm sure for a lot of people the C&nt word is one like that, just so harsh and ugly. The word though that does it for me is the term Spastic. I really hate that word, it's ugly, offensive and down right disrepsectful to anyone with any sort of disability either physical or mental.

With someone not only refering myself to as spastic, but others as well, and after a request not too, I fell into the trap and responded. I'm in no way pleased with what I said, and I'll be making apologies for a while longer I suspect for what I said, but I'm unrepentant in the fact that the word that was used, should be withdrawn from the English language, placed in a capsule and sent into space, where it can float away and be forgotten by this world.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Zebra Crossing

Things are black, things are white, and then a few things are grey. Less of the grey though, as that's not a natural colour for me. Black and White are certainly a natural colour. Things in my life reflect these colours and right now things are most certainly White.

I've often written how an event has brightened up my life, the conference in October, the night out in December, well yesterday's meeting in Bristol was another. Whilst it was a serious meeting and one in which we got through a lot of work, it was fun as well. Just to socialise with others and to be able to feel that I contributed to the meeting. Often I sit back listen, throw in a few things, but they tend not to be listened too. Yesterday was the opposite, though I only threw a few things into the hat, I felt that they were being listened too and that alone made it worth while.

The social side of it also helped and I'm more than happy to admit that part of me is enjoying that aspect more than being part of it for work. I know that work will not be 100% happy with that, but so what, if these meetings are all boring then what would happen? Nothing as nothing would be resolved and everyone will leave feeling a little down hearted. I enjoyed my time in Bristol, the next meeting is in Cardiff, which will be fun as I do like the city for sure.

That's the white, and for now the black is certainly under the white side (memories are made of this, where was I when Norman Whiteside scored for United against Everton in 1985, answer behind the goal going mental.) Whoops sorry couldn't resist that little trip down memory lane with the term Whiteside. Good old Norman, still a hero of mine today. What I wouldn't do to have a fit young Norman playing for United today!!

See that's just proof as to how good I'm doing right now, I'm going off at tangents and that tends to be a very good sign for me. I'm loving it, I really am. What has got into me then? I really don't know, why all of a sudden am I flying off in tangents when things haven't really been that good of late, but then they haven't been that bad either? I think it might be the fact that once again I'm feeling more relaxed and not carrying any sort of stress on my shoulders. If that is the case then it's good, but I've got the worry of my last lot of blood tests, which showed a significant rise in the liver results. I know I've done that road before, and it's been looked at by specialists, yet right now it doesn't really bother me. I'm just being me.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Planet Leia

Take what you might from the title, but right now things are going ok. I'm a lot calmer than I was prior to Christmas, and almost realistic. I think I'm slowly but surely finding a plateau to which I'll survive on for the rest of my days. I'm not sure where I found it, or if it is the promised land, but it's enjoyable right now.

I had supervision at work yesterday and after the huge dressing down that I took last time, this time was far more positive. For a change I didn't belittle myself and felt confident enough to offer an insight into myself for my manager. When I'm able to offer up such information then I know I'm confident and feeling secure with them. That's something that I think all staff members should be able to feel, in all jobs. No matter what.

Talking of work, I'm off down to Bristol on Friday for a national committee meeting. I'm really looking forward to that, as it's a direct follow on from the conference in Belfast. This may be more formal and to a point more important than the conference, but it's still something I'm happy to be involved with, and it gives me something to add to my CV when I next need to write one.

You know something it's been a while since I mentioned hockey, mainly as I've taken it for granted over the past few weeks, and football has taken centre stage, but over the past week hockey has jumped up a few notches again. I think it started last Thursday, when I watched the Mark Messier shirt retirement. That was the first NHL shirt retirement I've seen in full, and though it went on and on and on, it wasn't too bad. Maybe as it was all about New York and Mess, but I didn't find it anyway emotional. I sort of expected to be a little emotional as this is Messier, one of the hockey gods. Then while watching the game afterwards, I remembered just how much I love the game, and I can't wait for Manchester to return as a hockey force next September.

In the mean time I'm going to have to pour my passion and soul into the Oilers, with the hope of a run at the cup or at least past round 1 of the play-off's. With our record in round 1 of late, reaching round 2 would be almost as good as winning the cup itself.

While talking hockey and the Oilers, may I say that I wish I could afford to go out to Canada on holiday. I've been looking into it, but it's the cost and everything else. I would love to go out in early March, late Feb. I'd like to be in and around the town for the Heckle... It's the 4th year the game has gone on, and this time I'm sure that Oilfans will beat Calgary Puck...... They've never done it before, but this time they've got a secret weapon. A weapon so powerful and so strong that they can not fail to lose with it. Ok, so the weapon isn't a pro hockey player, but someone to whom I admire a great deal.

Over at Oilfans I've found plenty of like minded people to myself. All Oiler whores, all dedicated to the religon that is Oiler hockey. Some of those I've found to be really nice people, although I've never physically met any of them, the emails and general chit chat is enough for me to make valid impressions of them. I'm sure I've mentioned Peter on here and I certainly know that Janet has been mentioned. This time though, the weapon that is going to be the difference between winning and losing for Oilfans is Erin, or Loxy. She alone will destroy the Calgary Puck team, I'm not sure how, but she will.

Now if I could get out to Edmonton, I'd go along and play. I may not be able to skate, but I'd kick some backside for Oilfans, not sure how, but I would. I've done it in other sports I've played, so I see no reason why I shouldn't be able to in a game o hockey. In fact I'm convinced that hockey is a game that I failed to involve myself in, with regards playing. I should have sought that a bit more, but of course other sports were easier and cheaper.

So my message to LOXY, is go kick some Calgary ass, and then enjoy yourself. You are one of the good ones on this planet.....

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

How Much?

Well today I finally got to Leicester to see the surgeon who performed some surgery on me way back last April. Now this was the 3 monthly check up, but things being as they are it's just taken place. With cancelled appointments due to bad timing for myself, and then the car accident in August, and a couple of cancelled appointments from them, it's nearly 9 months since the surgery.

Anyway, having travelled down there today, I got into the hospital building at around 2.50pm, got to the clinic area at around 2.55pm. That was lucky as I wasn't sure where I was going, but still found it quite easily. I spoke to the nurse on the reception desk, who instantaniously gave my file to another nurse. I sat down for about 2 minutes before I was called into a room. The doctor came in, he was in the room with me for no more than 5 minutes and discharged me. 5 minutes!! Now most people would be glad of that, but this was after a 3.5 hour drive to the hospital.

If I add up all that it has cost me in terms of fuel, food, fines and recovery and repairs, that 5 minutes has cost me nearly £450. I bet it was nearly £100 a minute for the time I got to see the doctor. I'm sort of complaining as I'm sure that I could have been asked to see someone a bit closer to home, but that wasn't the case and so I've paid out a lot of money for little more than "that's fine, go get some cream from the chemist (pharmacy) and things will be fine".

Still it's over with now, and I ended up with the mother of all pizza's on the way home. It wasn't a big pizza, but it was from the best pizza place that I know. I didn't go the same way back today, I went up to Sheffield from Leicester, and decided that if the pizza place that I really like was still there and if it was open then I'd go get a pizza. This place is in the heart of student land in Sheffield and they have consistantly made the best pizza I know. I've even got friends begging me to drive to Sheffield just for a pizza. That's a 40 mile plus drive just to get there and then the same back. If that person asks again, and is willing to pay for the fuel in the car, then I'll take them. It's worth it for there pizza's.

Well I'm not going to stay too long on this blog, after driving close to 250 miles in little over 6 hours including stops for pizza, a quick chat to the doctor and a couple of breaks to get myself a drink and toilet, I'm feeling weary.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Bring It On

You try to do what's best for everyone, and then something comes and shoots it down. I'm not sort of complaining here, but I'm a little frustrated by it all. As regulars will be aware, I've been doing some work for the school I used to work at on a pay as I go basis, involving driving the minibus, as they have never had a regular driver besides myself. Well yesterday was the last time. It's not that they don't want me, though I suspect one or two people will be glad, it's more that the authority are clamping down on who drives the bus and using the insurance as a reason to bring everyone into line.

I don't mind too much, but it causes so many problems up at that place for so many people that, I feel a little sad. More so as my last connection has to a point gone. I'll still be going in with my current job, but it's not going to be the same as such. Still if that's how it's going to be, then so be it, I can't complain can I?

Things apart from that are quite normal, and I'm plodding along in the groove. I've got my broadband upgraded for free today, it's gone from being a 3mb service to being 10mb which is quite a bit quicker me thinks....... I'll use it to the full potential, but I'm not as bad as I used to be, but that was then, now it's more what I need and if I need.

It's FA cup weekend, and it's probably one of the few times in the year I look forward to seeing all the teams play. It brings together the top teams in the land against those from the lower regions of football and makes them all equal. Well as equal as it can be. When you have a team that has been brought together at a cost of say £100m compared to say £500,000. It's what makes the cup fun as it's a one off game and anything can happen. Of course you don't want your team to be the one embarrassed by the lower teams, but every now and again it does happen. So it just adds that bit more to the games. BRING IT ON is all I can say...

Wednesday, January 04, 2006


Loneliness is something that I've grown accustomed too over my life, but right now I think I'm feeling it more than ever. At times in my life I feel so alone in this world that I could end it there and then. This is one such time.

Everyone I care about is attached, and it hurts that I know I'll never be so. More than anything else I'd love to find someone, someone to share my life with. It will never happen, it's never happened before now, and won't after. I know what it is that stops this, but it doesn't make life easier. I know that I'm never going to find anyone to "love" me. If I can't love me, if my family can't love me, who can?

I know that I've gone over this before, and I know that I've sort of answered what I need to do to get over this. Yet, no matter what I do to try and avert this feeling, it always comes back.

I'm a infinate failure, no matter what I do, I fail. I even fail in suicide..... How many people can say that??

Monday, January 02, 2006

1 Thing to change?

I've been carried, I've crawled, walked, ran, limped around this planet for coming up to 35 years shortly (well my birthday is in September, so this has to be the month of conception or perhaps it was a Xmas, who knows!! Anyway, I've changed many, many things in that time not only for the worse, but also the better.

Right now though, it's the new year and people worldwide will be making new year resolutions. I wish I could do something that would be possible. I guess the best one for me would be to lose some weight and also get fit again. For someone who prided themselves on never being too fat or unfit, I'm in bad shape. The problem for me is motivation, I've very little and if I'm honest apart from jumping on my bike, which I would love to do, I've very little things which motivate me in terms of getting fit on my own.

What I have noticed this year more than ever though is the amount of people telling us to change just one thing this year, rather than making a stack of resolutions. I guess that losing weight would be a way to start, but then of course to do that I've got to find something to motivate me to get excersing again. So any suggestions would be taken with open arms. Please remember though, as I've got knee problems, going out running isn't an option for me!! It will only lead to major pain, and I find running so boring.

Well 2006 smells just the same as 2005, it feels the same, sounds the same and looks the same. So till I find something different I'll probably end up being the same old me. One thing I do resolution that I can keep, is not to get any more points on my driving license. I will make the hospital appointment in Leicester without hiccup.

Oh and while we are at it, I think I have found a new tv show that everyone should try and find to watch. Deal or No Deal, if it comes to a tv near you watch it. It's the simplest of formats, and it's not a challenge, but it makes great tv viewing.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

the Start

Happy New Year everyone..... It's now nearly 00.15am, thus 15 mins into 2006 and it's well distinctly similar to 2005, cept it's a 6 instead of a 5 at the end of the year.

I guess that I should be looking forward and not backwards right now, and that is so. I'll no doubt go through hell at some point this year, and go through unadultred joy and happiness, which ever mood I'm in, as long as I write it down I'll be happy. I've been true to my word of late in keeping this up-to-date since September ish I guess, and I would like to do so this year. It has helped keep me sane more times than I'll actually acknowledge, so for those of you who read this and it's you to whom I write for (well it's me, but I guess some of you come back to see what I've put down over and over again), thank you for the sanity, it helps so much.