Memories

The Present is defined by the Past,
the Present defines the future.
Enjoy the Present as it soon becomes the Past.

I write that today for obvious reasons. Right now my mind is flying back 5 years to the day my dad died. As I write this and it hasn't got to the hard part for me, I'm already crying, I'm already wanting to stop. I haven't got near to the end yet.

Dad and I may never have had a really close relationship, but that was to be expected I guess. I was the second child, I wasn't the first born, the one with all the love. As I grew up, things got quite fracious, but never really boiled over. We both deep down loved one another, but neither of us would ever say it to each other. The night before he died, I'd lost a good friend in an arguement, which was something or nothing, I'd told a friend from school that I felt dad was very ill and he wouldn't be around much longer, and what I hadn't realised was I'd spoken to another friend for the last time.

The above took place on a Friday like today, and I was still sort of reeling from losing 1 friend, I was unaware of the second friend and as for my comment about dad, I didn't expect it to haunt me so soon. I can see it clearly as if it was yesterday. My finacial stability was poorer then than now. I had little money and debts building up. I woke up in the morning with no gas in the flat (different to the one right now), so had no heat, or hot water etc. I could only cook using a toasted sandwich maker, which was fine for toast. I'd made toast and a cup of tea for breakfast and sat down in front of my pc.

I know I was in front of my pc, as I was writing my diary entry on my pc, for the previous day, whilst drinking and eating. I had James playing on the cd player, at that point it was there latest cd, "Please to meet you". Then the phone rang from mum, telling me to get to the hospital as dad was very ill. I got dressed, and then ran. I had no car, no bike and no money. The hospital was 2 or 3 miles away up hill, that didn't matter. I ran like the wind, up the hills through the town centre, across bridges to bring me near the hospital. The hospital where I was born no less. I called the hospital to see how he was, fearing the worse, only to be told the same as I was by mum, he's seriously ill, get here asap. I deep down knew then, what the situation was. I stopped at the local sandwich shop to grab a bacon sandwich, I'd hardly eaten the toast at home. Plus I knew someone in there, she'd been with me the night before when I was talking to the old school friend.

As soon as I got into the hospital or more so onto dad's ward, I saw curtains around 1 bed, always a bad sign, I was sort of hoping it wasn't him, that they were having to "work" on someone else. It was then I was escorted into a room with my mum, to be told the news, the news that forever is branded in my mind. To say that I felt sick, paralysed was an understatement. The rest of that morning was incredibly difficult, and even the afternoon was hard, made slightly easier by me being sent away to a party, where I drank myself silly. The pain still bites me, will always bite me. Five years on, it seems like 25 years to be honest, it's ages since I heard dad's voice, it's ages since we sat down and argued over something or nothing, it's even longer since we went to watch United together, the only thing we shared.

Dad I miss you so much, I loved you so much, I'm sorry for all the pain that I caused, it was never my intention to cause you pain. It isn't yours or mum's fault, it's nature and whilst I'm happy now, things are on the whole easier for me. No longer the moods, no longer the tantrums. I'm at peace right now, and that's something you'd be happy about. Where ever you are dad, keep happy and I'll see you when ever.