Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Nine Days

It's been 9 days since my last entry and whilst I promised one sooner, so many other things have been going on that my ability to write anything has been hindered due to time constraints. I can offer you nothing other than that as an excuse.

Well the conference was something I can look back on and say I really enjoyed. I know that some of the material went over my head, but with time to comprehend what went on a weekend ago, it's a bit clearer. I may not be on the boil in terms of actual union business as such, but I'm a bit happier having attended the conference. I'm feeling a bit more comfortable with the proposed role within the union as such. Apart from the union content the networking was excellent and something that I'm glad I was able to do. Life may not be great right now, but with a little help and a bit of understanding things might and I say might just take place.

So what of me? What has taken so much of my time that it has delayed any further posts in here, just as I was getting back into the swing of things? Well I think it's a culmination of work, and me trying to sort myself out. My money situation isn't any better, and I'm still trying to sort that out big style, so I've been spending time away from my place trying to avoid spending money on me, and thus saving in a unique sort of way. I've been doing extra hours at work, which I'm now going to get paid for, I need to sort out what I'm going to be paid for and what I'm not going to be paid for and then sort out the holidays that I can have and want to take. With that in mind, I'll be taking around 5 five weeks off in the next 3 months and possibly 6 if I have to, but I don't mind either. The 5 would be the better figure as that would mean that the 33 hours extra that I've worked will be paid for and give me a bit of a boost in the financial situation and just before Christmas as well.

So with the above and me trying to sort myself out and decide when would be the best to write as I've been in such a state that perhaps writing wouldn't have been the best idea. Not that I don't mind writing when I'm down as the regulars around here can testify, I just think it tends to repeat and that's boring. Also by giving myself time, I've been able to rationalize things and make this a more articulate post.

Maybe once my money is sorted out and I can see the light I may be able to sort other aspects of my life out. I'm being lazy with some parts of my life and that's not fair on me, but then the things I'm lazy about are things that require money and if that's the case they become low priority as such. I am now starting to be more selfish in that I'm going to concentrate on me and me alone again. If people don't like it then they can lump it. I've put others in front of myself too often and I need to be fair to myself.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

A little grain can go far.

Well it's the last day of the conference today, and though some of it has gone right over my head, and some of it hasn't I'm really pleased to have attended. It's been something to meet and network with new people and also to find myself in a position to feel as if some of my contributions will make a difference to the campaigns of the Union. OK, it's only a very small part, but it's still good to feel involved and yes it's going to be a crash and learn run over the next few months in terms of trying to find out what I'm doing and how to do it, but hey that's what probably makes it interesting for me.

I guess only time will tell if I learn and if I can fulfill my ambitions, but it's something along the way to help me feel comfortable. In that I mean in speaking etc, which is something that my counselor has been trying to get me to do. I doubt that I'll speak at the conference this time, though that might change this morning, but even if I don't I am coming to the opinion that perhaps it isn't as scary as I thought and the very fact that I'm contemplating it right now is more than I could have imagined.

Everything else is moving along fine, I'm managing to keep my sanity and dignity at the moment, and that's good. I've had to scrape the barrel as such to keep myself afloat, but it's done with now and I can move forward with my life and hope that for the remainder of the year, I'm in a happy place, free of worries over anything and everything.

I will attempt either tonight or tomorrow to write a bit more, but it depends on how I feel and of course the time issue. Right now I'm going to have to close this down as the first session of the conference today is at 9.15, which is just over an hour away, but I've got to get the Tram into Manchester and then get myself settled, which isn't always easy as those of you have read most of the blog will testify.

Friday, November 17, 2006

I'm Human

Well it's the end of the week and start of the weekend as such, and that normally means time off work for myself, something like 4 days, but not this week. I've got a conference to go to in Manchester, which starts today and ends on Sunday, which means my days off are taken away from me. I hope that I can take them back in terms of time owed in lieu, but we'll wait and see.

I think this week has proven to myself that for all my tough exterior and posturing I'm human and that the one basic thing that I need, that I lack in my life is attention. I know I have Lisa to talk too, but it's always Lisa and whilst I'll never take her for granted, it would be great to find someone else. Someone local perhaps, someone who I could meet up with, go out with pop around and chat too on the off chance. Some one whom I could call a friend, it isn't much to ask or want is it??

I've not done a window weather check for ages have I? Well how can I describe it outside today? Well the leaves on the tree's that I said were still green a couple of weeks ago are now a golden colour, but still on the tree's. The much talked about tree next door, the one that was suddenly chopped down during the summer still has plenty of green leaves on it, as they are fairly new leaves in that respect. The clouds about the tree's are a murky looking the colouratoin isn't too disimilar to the state of the bruising on my leg right now. The clouds are racing through the window view as I type, and so my deduction is a typical Mancunian winters day. Gloomy, with a strong possibility of rain.

The mention of my leg in the previous paragraph draws me back to that topic. Since I posted the pictures on my other site, the bruising has got worse, and even as late as last night I found yet more bruising. This time around the instep side of my ankle, which circles around the ankle itself. From the knee down, my leg is black and blue, and though no where near as painful as originally ( I can walk without a limp, though it still does give enough pain to cause me to limp), it's still nasty. It's going to take a few weeks for this to heal properly if not till next year even!!! OK, let's be honest a few weeks can mean anything can't it, and it's only 5 weeks before the end of the year! 5 weeks it's no time at all is it? Where has this year got too?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Every Cloud has....

So let's finish the saying in the title, Every Cloud has a silver lining. There it's done, but why has every cloud a silver lining? Well I'll tell you why, because all the clouds are gray and life is crap. I'm really am struggling at the moment, if it's not one thing, it's another and some how everything is intertwined for me, nothing is straight forward. It doesn't help when you've got no money either. I'm somehow managing to live off soup, pasta, bread and milk, and have done for around 5 weeks now. I think in that period of time my food bill hasn't topped £10, and yet I've got no more money till pay day now, which isn't till next Thursday!!!!

Yes, I know the money situation is my own fault, but and I say BUT, as it's not always my own fault. If we look at what's taken the big chunk of the money away recently it's my car. Now that's something I need, if I didn't have my car, I'd still be working at the school, being so fed up and miserable, but at least comforted with the knowledge that I'd be coming up to a holiday soon. I don't know if I'd be in a class or not, but with all the problems I'm hearing from those still up there and how I was when I was there I'm happy to be out as such. So my car is essential, but then the alternate view is if my car is going to keep costing me to make it safe for it's MOT, then perhaps a new car is needed. That though will of course cost me money which I haven't got and if I were to buy the said new car, I'd end up in money problem again till I get paid after buying the car.

So that's the car, but of course the fact that I can't predict what the problems with the car will be, as I'm no mechanic it doesn't help me. All I know is to add the fuel, oil and water. I know that this time around that I needed a load of welding which if I'm honest and very brutally honest will come from the accident that I had last year where I ended up in a ditch. I wrote that incident down back then, but I thought I was clear in terms of damage to the car, but I guess that it's just kicked me hard in the teeth last month. I can't say it's a direct consequence, but I can have a pretty good idea that it's related. Still it's only now that I can think that, but even so, I doubt I could have predicted how much the bill would be this time.

Having no money in terms of food is a slight problem, as I've been able to eat at my mums quite a lot, which has saved me some money, but I do need to buy some stuff for mum, as a repayment, but of course I can't do that right now. Which would normally be fine, but as it's in my mind I'm getting really frustrated and unhappy about the situation. Then as always I end up in a dark depressive mood. The money situation also leads to problems like not being able to afford to get my hair cut, which while being the least of my priorities right now, has a detrimental effect on me psychologically in terms of me being paranoid over my appearance, which for me is very important, or at least how others perceive me, and if my appearance is poor then I'm really agitated by it and again get very depressive.

Added to all the above is that this weekend I'm due to attend a conference in Manchester, which is all well and good. Yet, I've no money to socialize afterwards, which doesn't really concern me, but it would be nice. I'm concerned I've got no money to get me to the bloody conference, and now I find that Lisa is coming home this weekend. Just at the time I could do with a sit down and chat, I'm going to be busy all the time she's down. Is it any wonder that all the clouds are gray/silver in appearance to myself right now. That's just the psychological stuff, add to that the work isn't the greatest of environments right now and of course my leg is still causing me problems after the fall on Sunday. My life could be described as hell, but I'm sure that hell is a nice place compared to inside my head and inside my life right now.

Monday, November 13, 2006


Well the weekend is over and the only bright spot in the whole scope of the weekend was me waking up on Saturday morning. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. The past couple of days have been horrible in so many different ways that it's a weekend I'd rather forget.

I'm not even going to go over everything that went on or has caused me to feel like I do, though I will go over the fact that I spent part of last night in the local A&E department, with a nasty cut to my shin. That came about from having a dizzy spell on getting out of the bath and falling back into the bath, and cracking my shin on the side of the bath. I've felt pain before, but this was just throbbing and to be honest, it was bleeding quite badly. The nature of the fall and the injury made me go down to the local hospital. They X-rayed the thing and they couldn't find any break or fracture, which I'm thankful for, though the shin is very badly bruised and if I put any pressure on the leg it's still bleeding slightly.

Wednesday 15th Nov, update.... The pictures of the leg injury now posted over at my picture blog site. Those of a squeamish nature beware

It's not the first time I've been down to A&E with a fall after a dizzy spell, and though they dismissed it as being just a problem with me getting up quickly, it doesn't help me when I know that of late I've had a few spells of being very light headed and so on whilst sat down. I'm going to have to go to the doctors with that and see what she says. I'm not concerned as I can live with the spells, but I would like to know what they are and hat's causing them. Also it is a worry that one may occur whilst I'm driving which could be lethal (which as long as no one else is involved in any accident, may be a good thing perhaps).

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Foxy Friday

I've left the blog a few days to calm down a bit, as I went a bit OTT with all those entries considering my previous record of late, but it still feels good to be posting again.

So what of the past few days? Well they've been a strange mix of moods, highs and lows with equal proportion and yet nothing which has given me a stupendous high or a climatic low. I've plodded along to the beat of life. Work hasn't been too bad either and so with every thing else I'm pleased to say I'm a little contented.

What else then? Well I can say that on Thursday morning, or it could have been Friday? Friday it was, I was busy sat in front of my computer either looking at various web pages or playing games and two cats who used to play in either my back garden or next door's before they got the dog were chasing and winding each other up between my garden and the one beyond that, but not in next door. After watching them for about 30 minutes or so, they suddenly ran off very quickly and out of my back garden and out of view. I didn't think much of it, till about a minute later, when I noticed something else clambering over the fence into next door's garden. I thought it was another cat at first, as it was a different colour to the previous cats, then I looked again and lo and behold at around 10.30 in the morning a fox was in next door's garden. A scruffy looking fox to be honest, not one of your bright orange and bushy tail creatures, but a rustic dark brown, similar to dirt and wood chip you have in your garden. Just about to publish this post when I had a sudden thought, the fox may well have been a vixen, and that could have explained the colouring and what ever? That would make things extremely interesting.

It's the first time I've seen a fox in next door's garden and certainly in daylight. I think I've only ever seen 1 fox before in day light and that was down the road from here at one of the school's I used to work at. Until then it had only been either at dawn or in the twilight period. Still it made my day in many ways, something completely different.

Another week or so to go before pay day and I think I might just hold out this month, it's a struggle, but I'm getting through it some how. I don't think my mum knows how much problems I've got, but I'm working at it to sort it out.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Billy No Name

Here I am again, another two post day, but let's be honest now it's nearly midnight and the following day from the previous post. So this one can be a go between almost between the one today and any possible post tomorrow.

Today wasn't too bad if I hold my hands up, though the final hour at work was just a nightmare. It's easy to get wound up by it, but all that does is send me into a dark place, and I've learned the hard way that if I send myself into a dark place it's a long journey back. I'm talking about it here now, but in general I try and leave my job behind me now, it gives me time at home for ME time, and as I said earlier today that is important. I guess that tomorrow is another day with another set of problems and another late finish. I'm not really enjoying finishing at around 8pm after starting work at 2pm, it's a mighty long shift and with two different children to work with it's just a stressful time. I'm going to try and get some things set out with both of the children tomorrow, but it's never really that easy with the children I work with.

What else to write about? Well not to much, if anything this post is just an attempt to fill in a bit of time before the drop falls in Montreal for an Habs v Oilers game in the NHL. The Oilers are going to have a change of fortune tonight, I've a feeling the ref's might just call things slightly in the Oilers favour after last weekends dreadful nightmare. I think I'm going to stop up for this one tonight, I know I've work tomorrow, but a late night isn't to bad for tomorrow, nor for Thursday either, so a double helping of hockey perhaps? I may be lucky tomorrow, I'm not 100% and may find the Oilers on tv. If so it's around to my mum's till the early morning watching the game, not being afraid of watching now my curse has been broken. In fact, I'm chomping at the bit as they say to watch a game of hockey. I've not had the money to go and watch the new Manchester team this year yet, and I'm just eager to sit down or stand and watch a full game of hockey rather than just the high and low lights.

Finding Inspiration

I missed yesterday off, I don't really know why, as I could have found inspiration from lots of things to write about. Instead I chose to ignore those and do something else. That's what I call lazy, well it wasn't it was ME time and I've found that I need to have ME time on a regular basis, if I want to retain my sanity and upsurge in reasonable mood.

So after the explosive cocktail that is Bonfire night, it's down to the long build up to the next major celebration in the UK calendar, Christmas. I guess that I should now put my thinking cap on and start to think of what I need to buy. I've been given idea's with regards a couple of people, so I've not got many more to choose from I guess. Yet, it's still going to cost and right now I haven't the funds to afford any presents as of this moment, but will have by the end of the month. I keep forgetting that it's only like 2 weeks away from pay day and I'll have some money to play with then.

Right I should point something out right now, it's not important in the whole picture, but it's worth making a point that whilst I'm writing this my mind keeps a going a blank. I've started to write without a clear picture of what I wanted to write. So for inspiration I've tried washing my dishes from breakfast, and that hasn't work. So this post may go on for a while longer before I decide what the main reason for the post is. I may of course end up just cataloging lot's of different activities that I'm trying to spark an inspiration for this post.

Ok, a combination of things have now helped me move on from above. After getting ready, i.e. washed and dressed I've come up with something, it's not much, but it just might work.

Time is something no one can prevent taking it's toll, if it's not our bodies, it's our minds that are effected by it. No matter how hard we try, how much money you spend against it, time just marches on like a relentless roman army. Now then yesterday saw the 20th anniversary of the appointment of Sir Alex Ferguson, as manager of Manchester United. During that time, he's taken the club, to beyond the reaches of imagination and back, and though he's been paid a great deal of money to do so, and he's had a financial backing few managers in football can claim to have had, he's built sides out of home grown players as well as bringing in the best talent available. It's some achievement, when I read that the average life span of a manager at a club these days is little over a year, so 20 years at the same club is unique. Yet, all the press coverage, and all the accolades that he has taken over the past week or so, is little reward for the likes of you and I. If I class all the years of volunteering, being a temporary member of staff and now a full time member of staff, I'll have been involved with Barnardo's for 20 years next year. Will I get the same media attention? Would any of you?

I'm not belittling what Sir Alex has done, far from it! Being a fan of the club and being privileged to have seen the first 19 years of his managerial cruise, I've seen things that as a kid I could only dream of. I've seen the high life as such, and no other manager could have done that. What I'm trying to say is that the world over there are many people who last over 20 years in there jobs and don't get a peep, and if it's such a huge thing then perhaps they should.

Going back to Sir Alex, he was appointed as manager obviously in 1986, which is a hell of a long time ago, made all the more scary in many ways for myself, in that whilst listening to my media player last night, out blurted Queen, with Radio Ga-Ga from the Live at Wembley 86 cd. So what you may ask, well it struck me that with all the Queen covers and what ever, at that point how vivid and how powerful Freddie Mercury's voice was. It blew me away again, and having already stated that I've recently fallen back in love with music, this was just mind numbing. It's 20 years since I saw them live and still today I can't recall seeing a better live act than Queen with Freddie in all his pomp. 1986 was in many ways a very special year, and in the midst of all of it, I was stuck in high school!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Remember Remember

Well it's Bomi night over in England and though I suspect most of the Bonfire Night parties and displays went on last night being a Saturday, I'm sure well have quite a few going on tonight, so for the second night running England will sound like anywhere in Iraq, Afghanistan or Gaza, with all the fireworks exploding. The older I get the less impressed with the fireworks I am, though they can still be very pretty.

Here I am writing without an agenda and apart from the above I've nothing to write, though of course by writing this second paragraph, I'm hoping the creative juices will kick in and send me off onto another reasonable blog entry.

Yes, I've found something, something that relates to yesterday's post as well. I mentioned the call on the Oilers in there game on Friday night that cost them the game. Well since my last post the coach of the Oilers has been fined for "crossing the line" with his comments with regards to the referee that called the game. All well and good, there is a line all coaches and players have in calling the officials before they have to be punished for going to far. I think I said I don't normally agree with the words he used being used, but felt that he had justification in doing so. Well a $10,000 fine seems like a big slap on the wrist for those comments. Though the question has to be asked what of the referee himself??

Well the NHL seem happy enough that he went straight out to the media, and said he made the wrong call, he'd made a mistake and that was that. Well why should it be that? I mean should any of you that read this blog and work go into work on Monday or whenever and make a huge mistake that is openly viewable to one and all, you'd be in big trouble. Would you get away with saying sorry to the press if they got involved before your bosses came? No I doubt it, in fact you'd probably find yourself finding your cards in your pay cheque and a thank very much for the problem. So what have the NHL done to the referee? Nothing in public and probably won't as they see him as being fit for his job. It's a joke! In the UK, the referee's of the top sport, soccer have been promoted and demoted between the top and lower leagues, if they have failed on a continual basis. In fact that demotion can take place for one mistake. The NHL have to make the referee be seen to pay for his mistake.

Rant over, topic isn't closed to me, but it's no point in complaining it looks like the nothing will come of the complaints anyway.

Just to go way off topic, but here we are and guess what we are now 50 days away from Christmas, which makes 49 shopping days to go!! If you haven't got your presents then start thinking and start saving up or else you'll find yourself in trouble.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Referee Ga Ga....

It was late, I was tired, and I wanted to go to bed, and so I did. That's the way the last entry finished, which isn't a bad thing, just that I didn't note that had it been earlier in the night I'd have probably woke up in the middle of the night to listen to the Oilers v Stars game on the radio. As it happens I didn't do that I'm whilst I'm glad I didn't in some ways, it doesn't make up for the anger inside me at the way the game ended. That has to be the worse bit of officiating I've seen in any sport, at any level. Not only did one of the ref's decide to make a T-Rex of a shit call, he did so without even considering going upstairs to review the play, as the whole play had led to a goal being scored.

That said I'm back for the third post within a 24 hour period, and whilst that's not the first time it's happened, it's the first time in a long time that I've felt my creative juices flowing enough to write about things. It's not that any of what I write is created out of my mind as such, it's just that for me to write anything here or anywhere for that matter I've got to be in a particular mood to do so. I've recently been accused of writing War and Peace, when a simple sonnet would do. I'm not going to argue on that, I can waffle, I can pad things out, but that's because I want to make a point over something and to make it clear enough for one and all to read. I could use local slang all the time, and confuse the hell out of the lot of you, but I don't, and won't.

So what set's the juices flowing? Well for my best works, I have to be depressed in some respect, I'm much more open and fluid in terms of myself at those times. I think it's the fact that my defenses have been breached and that leads to the inner self to escape. At times like they are right now the walls or barriers are up, and it's struggle for anyone to get into me, as much as it is for me to let go. That's why this place stagnates I guess when I'm in a reasonable mood, I just can't let go of anything, which would be of interest. Yet, right now things are going ok, and the juices are flowing, but I'm not down. I don't know what is going on, but then again if you look at the topics of late, very little of it is about ME, it's about others around me and I haven't let much out of the bag.

The one thing that I can let go for the world to know, is that quite recently I've become much more centred around myself. In that I mean that I'm starting to care about myself again. Maybe with the money situation I'm in and not having lots of snacks or stuff to eat, I've started to look into getting myself into shape, losing some weight and in general being nice to myself. This is a huge effort on my part, as even in these times when things are good for me, I still can't say I love myself, I still can't say I like myself. I don't hate myself either, but for me it's been a marathon just to get to the point of not hating myself. I guess now, after some time to recover I'm starting to feel the urge to run another marathon and to push myself to liking myself. So this is perhaps the stretches before the training runs.

One of the things that trying to be more self centred has done and it's strange really, is to have made look at the things I can do for nothing to help ME out. One of those things is to re-discover music as such. OK, for most of life I've got music playing, if I'm in the flat, I've got media player going constantly with the play list on shuffle, the same in my car, the radio or cd player are on all the time. Yet, with the music being on all the time, it becomes secondary to everything and I just accept it, and every so often a song gets played that I've not heard for a while and I go WOW. With me thinking about me, I've sort of started to listen to the music properly again and started to dance within the confines of my flat. It's sort of really embarrassing to admit that, but it's helped me find some of my favourite songs again and why I like them so much. Being self centred has helped me find things I like, and what makes me happy. More of this over the next few weeks and I may be ready to go training far sooner than I first imagined.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Way too much

Two posts in a day, please don't think that I'm slipping into a depression far from it to be honest. Just that I felt like typing something else right now for no particular reason.

I had a session with the counselor this afternoon, and whilst not as emotional as my previous session I guess that I looked into me as a person more. I told her things today that I've stated here, like how much of a contradiction I am. How I like to be the centre attention and yet I hate being the centre of attention at the same time. She's set me some homework to do, which is easily achievable, and one which I intend doing. Unlike my previous counselor, the home work I get isn't based on reading books or lots of sociology or psychology books. It's plain and simple and one which, whilst not really thinking about it can do.

This sounds really bad, but I'm being honest here, I've found a bond with this counselor and one which will make the sessions work, in a similar fashion to Cherrie, the counselor I had whilst at college. Cherrie is arguably the best I've seen and the one who got most out of me, and I'm grateful for that. She saw me at my very worse and got me through some really dark times. I'm eternally grateful for that, but it's been years since I saw her in a professional capacity and though I've moved on in so many ways since, I've also lost touch with some of the things that she got out of me. She's still one of the few people to get me to a point where I could say comfortably that I like myself and indeed one session I got to the point of feeling like I loved myself. That sadly was a one off, and something that I want to be able to find once more.

So what else? Well it's finally become winter here in Salford, though not quite yet. The tree's outside my place still have plenty of green leaves on them, and no they are not just deciduous trees some of them are plain ordinary tree's and that's very interesting for me. The longer they keep the leaves the warmer the winter is than usual, and that means the world is getting warmer. I miss the cold, dark winter days that we used to have when I was in school. Building slides up and down the playground, on the roads, seeing who could slide the furthest was so enjoyable. Nowadays, the kids have no idea of what fun winter can be. As soon as the nights draw in, they settle in for the winter, on the play station or X box, playing games till it's time for bed and not exploring the outside world. I feel for the kids of today.

Anyway, I'm going to have to leave this post here, to sort out my sound system, as all of a sudden I've no sound from my computer. After publishing this, it's re-boot the system to try and solve the problem. I can't be doing with a blown system right now, I ain't got the money to replace it with.

Not as Long

Well OK, it's been a while longer than I had imagined, but here's the next installment of my blog. It does seem that people do come and read this page, so it's a nod to them for doing so, even if I'm not writing as much as I used too. In some ways I'm a little surprised that I'm not contributing more considering how many things are conspiring against me to make my life unhappy.

Still the fact that they are not, means I may be coping a bit better now than at any time before. I hold my breath on that thought, and the fact I've written it, means that something will probably end up happening to send me tail spinning into the void.

Life hasn't been too good to be honest since the last post, though I've been living off next to nothing and will continue to do so for the next few weeks. I think that has had a positive effect on me this time. OK, I wish I had the money to live a better life, and to feel secure, but right now, I'm living off basics and if anything that's become something to achieve and thus making me feel good for doing so. I can do that, I don't need to spend on luxuries to be happy. They help, they can make one feel positive about oneself, but at the end of the day what I'm doing now is the same, all be it in a different way. If I can get through this month without much and then start to sort myself out again then, perhaps thing might start to happen again. I may be able to plan etc. Then again in terms of monies, just as I get straight Xmas will arrive and of course that will only lead me to spending more than intended. The circle of debt never seems to leave me.

At work things are plodding along. I wouldn't say they are great, nor are they really bad, but I do know that things could be better and that some of the questions I've asked haven't been answered and nor are they likely to be in the next few weeks I guess. I'm still sort of waiting to be told if I can have any extra hours or not, which would go some way to breaking the circle of debt. Though of course it would probably lead me to more debt, though I really doubt it. Whilst I'm in debt right now, it's not because I really spend that much money, it's just that I spend what I earn, and that's the problem. Whilst learning to live in the aforementioned manner, I did get myself into debt and have since been living with it. I don't pay off the debt, but nor does it tend to get any bigger due to the fact I live off what I earn. The circle of debt I guess.

Out of work things have been extremely quiet over the past weeks or so. I've not been out since the night out with Lisa a few weeks back. I've not been able to afford to go out to be honest, and won't be able to for a while now. I know getting out is important for my own sanity, but is it really important? I don't really know as at times going out often leaves me with a huge self image problem or some other scar. I end up getting down on myself, which in turn leads me to depression. So let's look at this properly at some other time. Why do I allow myself to be my worst enemy all the time? It's got to be some thing about me, that me don't like. I'm not 100% sure of this, as I'm probably happier now with myself than at any other point in my life. So why do I still bully myself???