Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Closing Day

What a start to the new year it's been. I've seen highs and lows and though not clear of the woods I can see some light at the end of the tunnel as such. This month has seen many things take place and many little mood swings, but nothing has been quite extreme. It's hard to contemplate that today we see the end of January, and that's a twelfth of the year gone. OK, that doesn't sound much, but think about it, how soon were we all seeing in the New Year?? Either time has increased or I just couldn't comprehend time as a child.

So what does February hold? I don't know to be honest, the world is open to anything. I know that early February as always will be heading across to Munich and the Busby Babes who never made it back from there in 1958. 49 long years ago the Babes died on the runway and the monster that is Manchester United today was effectively born then. I'll be constantly looking forward to the James concert later in the year, and will be hoping to hear more news about any new music and any other news about them.

2007 hasn't been a bad year so far, but perhaps that has been due to me having such a relaxing start, wait till September and October to see how I feel after no holidays for a long time and various other things going on.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


Well the start of this week wasn't at all cheery, with me having to return to work and all that jazz. However, come late Monday night, I had a reason to be cheerful. A flurry of pop groups have announced reunion concerts on that day, but none finer than James, Manchester's finest for many a year. I'm so excited about the fact that not only are we to hear the band live again and they are a spectacular live band, but also some new material. It has made my week a lot more bearable.

As the link to the webpage above is that of a new page waiting to be launched, if you want more information about this band, go look on my links and look for the James fan site, oneofthethree. It's run by one very popular fan who the worldwide James fans all seem to know one way or another.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Bah Humbug!

So it's a month or so out of date, and I should have been screaming this, this time last month, but hey it wasn't too bad at that point. Today however it is bad. Not bad in terms that I'm really pissed off or that I want everything to stop. No it's much worse than all of that!!

Today I go back to work after my holidays!

It's OK to suggest that I should be ready for it, but I've been on holidays for about a month now, and I've got use to not going into work. I've enjoyed the time off and by the time I get through the next day or so, I'll be back in the swing of things with regards work, but it's that first step. I can only compare it to the first day back to school after your summer vacations, when you really don't want to be back, but have to do it.

Now the rant is over, back to reality and back to my life. Over the past week or two I've been in a more contemplative mood and an email from Lisa has helped as well. I know I blew things up as I wrote here the other day, but it doesn't stop me from getting wound up and the feeling of insecurity isn't nice. I am now going to work on this with my counselor and see if I can beat this once and for all. All I need are tools that will help me defeat it on a regular basis, as most of the other counselors that I've seen have only given me short term answers. I say most, all but one other. How come I'm back again if someone gave me the answers I hear you ask, well that was prior to me sorting my life out properly. Now that that bit has been done, I've had to learn how to live again and this is why I'm back again. It's not an easy life in many ways, well mine isn't any way. I spent so much of my life fighting to sort myself out, that by the time I had done, I had no idea on how to cope without any problems.

Still let's leave that till it rears it's ugly head again and let's give a huge welcome back to 24, what a series, and one that I wouldn't miss for anything. It's got everything in it, even if they do put lots of similar stuff in it year in, year out. I watched the programme at the US speed last year, but felt awful when watching it with my mum. So this year it's back to the UK time and back to the suspense with my mum. My only question about 24, is how many lives does Jack Bauer have? He's seemingly killed at least once every couple of years of his life. Now anyone would look bloody awful having been in that situation, but no Jack comes back, looking as clean and as healthy as ever..... What's his bloody secret, I'd love to know the trick.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Thank You Freddie

Back again, and still none the wiser as to what went wrong over the weekend, but one thing is for sure, I'm a little stronger than I used to be and that's important I guess. In times gone by that would have sent me down into the abyss, instead right now, I'm still on the edge but still secure in the knowledge I'm not going to fall into it.

Anyway, what's helped this time more than previous? I don't know? I know that yesterday I had an appointment and had to drive to it, and all the way I listened to Queen. Every now and again I think it's vital to revert to trusted aids or your own personal favourites. Queen are my musical hero's and even if it was just 20 or so minutes of them blasting at full blast, it certainly acted like a slap across the face and cheered me up no end. I listened to the music rather than have it in the back ground and that took my mind away from what was playing on it. The diversion worked and here I am writing about it.

What ever works I guess, but as I say every once in a while if things aren't good, go dig out something you like, be it a film, some music etc and just watch, listen or do something that you've not done properly for ages. See how it helps cheer you up, see how it distracts you and gives you that little space to realise that what ever the problem that put you on the spot was isn't always the worst thing ever.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

How Can It Be?

Well near enough 2 weeks into this year and I'm on the threshold of a drop into depression. Now that isn't unusual in many ways, I had a reasonable time over Christmas and New Year, when on most other years I fall around then into the abyss. However last year was different, I don't know why, but right now it feels bad.

Let's look at why this is? I look at myself and what do I see, well right now, I'm not sure. I'm contented, OK so I'm struggling to make my hair do what I want it to do. That's small, but it's important if you know what I mean. My appearance is important to me, and that's a vital part that's falling apart. It's not that I don't like my hair, as I've had it cut recently, it's just getting it back to where it was when it was cut. So take 10% from where I was around Christmas, with that. Then this weekend, I was hoping to catch up with Lisa, but that didn't happen. That's the big killer right now. I understand she's got other things to do when she comes up, but when not to even get a text message or a phone call to say, it's going to be difficult to meet up then I get upset. I've not had an email for over a week, which is strange. That's taken probably around 45% off the Christmas mark. Then, to make matters worse I guess twice this past week, whilst I've been on holiday work have called with regards me working. Not that it would make a difference to me, but that's still not nice when on my holidays. It's taken about 15% off me, so that leaves me with around 30%.

30% is an alright number, but any less and I start to crash. I can see the wall in front of me, and to be honest with you all, I would love to be able to walk away from here and what I'm doing and leave it all behind. I would love to make people panic and get people trying to find me. I could do it, I know where to go, but then I know myself, I know I couldn't do it. I'm too weak and that's the killer. You know what would do me, is that if I did walk the one person who would get me take my guard down would be Amelia. If they were to panic and that's a big IF as nobody would really notice I'd gone, I think I could ignore everyone, but Amelia would be different, and she'd be the person to catch me out.

Why though? Why do I let everything get to me?? Am I that desperate for friendship or comanionship? I'm not sure, but it takes one little thing to knock me off my stride and take me back to the start. It's not fair, it's not as if I've been bad at all, in fact I've tried to do my best over the past few months and haven't even considered being in this spot till now. WHY? WHY? WHY?

Monday, January 01, 2007

A Bright New Year

Well this morning has been bright, so the dawn of a new year looks promising, but we've got 365 days to make sure that it continues that way..... That equates too -

365 days
8760 hours
525600 minutes
31536000 seconds

till the start of next year.....

Which for the those who panic, leaves a total of 358 shopping days till Christmas 2007......

With that in mind, I can look back on 2006 and say it wasn't too bad of a year though. I've had much worse years than that, and that's something to take forward into this year. Progress and be positive, if I can of course. The counseling that I'm having is helping me as it does if I can relate and get on with the person. I struggle with some people and that negates there attempts of helping me.

Wow, that's a admission and half to be honest and though I've known about that I've never put it down and that's perhaps a start for the better. Some might say that, with that statement that I should concentrate on improving my social skills and make myself more approachable and not take opinions so easily on others. I'll ask those who ask that to question if they do this themselves? I expect them too, but for me I guess, I'm just a little more sensitive than others.

I'm not going to make any resolutions or predictions for the forthcoming year, as inevitably they won't happen. I will say one thing though, it's unlikely that by this time next year this place will be down. It helps me maintain sanity in the crazy world that I inhabit.