Sunday, October 28, 2007

To big, too soon

Well the euphoria of Friday night was short lived. I should start by explaining what caused that and why it was short lived I guess.

I went for a meal with Lisa, at first I tried to talk myself into thinking something bad was going to be said, but far from it. We had a real nice night out, a very good meal and excellent chat. It has been ages since we went out on our own, and went out for more than 10 minutes or so here or there. Yes, we email and text each other, but the power of verbal conversations and the ability to read your companions moods is important. It was such a lovely night and although her husband was coming up on the Saturday and we were going out on the Saturday night, having that time together alone was very nice.

Saturday afternoon arrives with a text message to say that Lisa might be going home, before we got out on Saturday. We were due for a meal and then to see Arcade Fire at the M.E.N arena in Manchester. That might turned to am, and so I tried to find someone else to go to the gig instead of Lisa, but couldn't find anyone. My mood altered and though I desperately wanted to enjoy the concert, I had a gaping hole inside, which left me flat and uninspired.

I'm glad I went and the concert was enjoyable, I have my views on the concert, that the group were not ready to play such a big venue yet. They have had success, but need to build upon that and play the arena's of this size in a year or so's time. The musicianship of the group isn't in question, it's just something was missing for a concert this size. Maybe it was me not being quite at the races, but hey I did enjoy it.

So the joy of Friday, which I was riding on Saturday morning and looking forward to making the concert and the weekend go with a huge bang was gone. Any hope that this weekend would rival the weekend in April when I watched James 3 times, and keep me on a wave of happiness through the summer was also gone. I've got to find some other inspiration. However, I think I may have a new car lined up, though it's possible that it may be sold by the time I get back to the garage either tomorrow or Tuesday. However that's the chance I take I guess. If I do get the car, then at some point prior to Christmas I will go down and see Lisa, and spend a weekend with her, and forget about the problems that lie in Salford.

Those problems aren't as bad as they have been and if anything the biggest problem I have right now is with work. Work is a hassle, yes I know it is for everyone, but I don't mean it in that context. I have strong views on my management team and they are getting stronger with each passing decision and it isn't making life at work pleasant. I really don't want it to get any worse, but as much as we as our team do to follow instructions we then get new instructions which contradict themselves. No more, the more I think of work and it's issues the more I get angry and upset and I don't need that, I need to be positive and happy. So no more talk of work for this entry.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Split Me

Has it really been 9 days since I wrote in here? I guess so! I hadn't posted over the past few days as I've stopped myself for a multitude of reasons, but today I felt I could post and so here it is the 379th post of the journal.

I'm in a funny mood right now, no I'll correct that I'm in a very split mood. I can explain that with a description of work, in that once I work with the young people I'm very happy, relaxed and have confidence in my self and the everything I do. However when it comes to being in the office the mood switches to one of anger, bitterness and depression, and a general not wanting to be there. However that is most unlike me since I joined Barnardo's as a paid employee. I guess things change and they certainly have in that office.

However that has been well documented in this journal before now and in my other blog, which can be found at Myspace. What I want to say though is that that sort of split now runs in my everyday life as well. I hate being alone and during those periods where I am alone like this past weekend, I've felt awful and not wanted to do anything, which has included interacting with others. Yet the thing I should be doing is interacting with others be it going out shopping etc, as that helps take away the blues and it's really horrible place to be in right now. I know that this is exactly where I started when I started to see my councillor ages ago, and I've been working to alter that state. I have improved and I guess I'm more willing to go out and do things now than I was 12 months ago, but that split inside of me is still around and I can't understand it.

My next session with my councillor is the last one I'll be having so I should at least show some improvement, but to tell her lies would be wrong wouldn't it. So I've got to be out of this phases by the time of that appointment, whenever that shall be. I guess being able to spot the situation is good as I can now look back on what made the difference and how I can simulate that again. I know I can be happy again and I know that I can enjoy myself it just needs something to put the rocket under whatever to enable it to explode.

What makes it so odd right now, is that during the summer I didn't mind being on my own that much, yes I could go to see mum after work etc, but that isn't the reason for the change in attitude. I can't place it to be honest, something snapped just before my birthday, and I can pinpoint it. It was the day at the hairdressers, and since that day where I went into a panic attack I've not been the same. I know I had problems after the James concerts in Hoxton, but I can't put it down to that. Then saying that I chose to isolate myself that second night, which is typical of me in so many ways, why I did that I don't know. Still it's done with and perhaps a night out where I don't give a shit about me and enjoy myself will help me. Where is that going to come from? Well I have idea's on that, but we'll have to wait and see if that happens, but keep your fingers crossed that it does.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

It's all good

It seems like a life time ago that following me reading both Loxy's and then Janet's blogs that I decided to create a blog of my own. I know it was reactionary and I know that I've been quite lazy if I'm honest about it in here, but I have found this place to be the place to let go, the place to give anger it's full and deserving place in the world. Has it helped me?

Well I would hope it has, but then again how can I be sure and how can I put that across to you folks who pop in from time to time to read the crazy notes of this British girl? I really don't know how to answer that, but needless to say I can see improvements and I can see how better I am than the person that wrote those first few posts all that time ago.

If some of you are thinking that this may be a sign off note, well no not really. I was writing in my Myspace blog earlier tonight and had a lull for a minute or two. A block as such and I was trying to think about what I could right not only there but here. It was as I started here that I decided to go down this particular line. It's been an age since I took an introspective look at my own work here and how it's been a help to myself. I guess it's always good to do so once in a while and today was one of those days. I have tried and failed to find something to challenge myself with to write today, so this is the perfect time to pull this sort of post out of the bag.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Am I to Blame?

I know it's been a while since I put anything up in here, but I've been away for a few days since I last posted and also I've been and still am ill since I last put anything up here. I did post a couple of photo's over on the sister site, but hey that's easy enough now through my mobile phone. However to post here means I really should use my PC rather than any other medium.

So I've been to Newcastle and Birmingham/Coventry, I put the other two up as the place I stayed in Meridian is actually in between both places and as such isn't a big place that you'd find on the map. It's only a small village, though it does seem to be inhabited by people with plenty of money.

Anyway I came back from Newcastle with a heavy cold, and though I thought I was beating it, by Tuesday night in Meridian, I realised that in fact I hadn't beaten it, but if anything that had beaten me. I was desperately ill due to problems with the bedding and my chest. What ever the problem left me open for the cold to strike back and it has with a vengeance. I've also caught a case of conjunctivitis which I'm not impressed with. I've got some ointment for that, but it's like a tube of yellow goo to put in your eye. It looks as if I've been crying for weeks without stop right now.

Not that I've not cried at any particular point over the past couple of weeks, considering the moods I've been in of late. I certainly cried up in Newcastle and I wish I hadn't, the thing is I'm getting to the point of wanting to share myself again, gone are the days of me constantly wanting to hide, but that part of me is still around, and it's really odd trying to figure out which part of me will jump up at the start of the day. Which ever it is that is truly me, I want you to know that I would like some company and soon, it's very lonely right now and no one ever seems to be able to give me the time of day or company that I desire. I'll go out of my way, but perhaps I've got an eye for luxuries rather than your every day deals that would do as good a job. So perhaps I'm to blame?

Monday, October 01, 2007

Wake Up from WInchester

Depression sucks, simple as that really. Depression haunts you, simple as that really. Depression will always be a part of me, simple as that really.

Whilst I've gone around the houses before saying this and that about depression, I think one of the things that I've never really thought about is that no matter what I do, it's always with me. Even if it's hidden away in the darker area's of my mind, it's lurking and waiting for a chance to pounce. It's about me letting it in, it's about me thinking in a different way than normal. I can't explain the current episode of depression as clearly as I hoped or did the other week. I don't think that is the correct answer anyway, but what ever happened to trigger this bout was serious.

It may have been only a footfall as such in comparison to other times where I've gone from being OK to being on the verge of contemplating suicide. However I wasn't that far away and if I'm honest with myself, had I not cancelled my trip to Winchester a week before I wouldn't have ended up in that position. By that I mean I let out a cry for help, one which was heard and whilst it wasn't a hey let's sit down and talk, it created an avenue for me to explain things not only to my best friend, but also for her to be positive to me, at a time when no one else was being that way with me.

It's that little bit of effort that woke me up, and gave me a chance to grab a hold of something before it went too far. I've made the first steps to making a recovery, this is going to be a long period of recovery, but I will complete this, and I'll try and get back to the happy place I was holding only 3 or 4 weeks ago. I guess having a week or two off work, whilst I was down hasn't helped me, but at least I've been able to wallow in my own misery alone and not inflict it onto anyone else.

I return today and I know I'm going to face the questions as to where I was last weekend, why didn't I call or why didn't I say anything, but hey why should I answer to them? Well it helps team relations, so that's as good of an answer I can come up with. Once the word depression leaves my lips, I'm sure that the majority of people will understand why I didn't do anything, and why I didn't go to my colleagues wedding. Yes, I was looking forward to it, yes, I wanted to go, but at the end of the day I couldn't go for personal reasons. Those reasons being highlighted here, if I'm right in my previous post. So I guess I should direct people here to see what all the fuss is about.