It's just turned 18.15 here and I'm sort of starting to try and work out where I am. That isn't a physical where am I, more a mental where am I? I don't know where I'm up to right now, I've been really good of late and positive of late, but yet probably for the last 2 weeks I've been flying away with things.
I've allowed little things to wind me up, I've allowed things that I have no control over to control me and that's the big highlight that all is not right. Why should I be fretting and being wound up by a computer? Wound up to the point of wanting to hit it, ro smash it to bits? That's where I've been? I just can't settle on much for long right now, no I tell a lie, I can, but I don't know what I want to settle on.
Then I turn to myself, my god dam self. I'm holed up in this flat which as has been said before smaller than a prison cell, trapped with no where to go, no one to see and no one to speak to. I'm hating myself once more, the calm resolve not to hate oneself is back. I hate the way I am, I hate the way I look, think sound smell and hate the way things always conspires against me. Even in the brightest moments I struggle to think of the most positive things ever to go for me in my life, and even they are tempered by others. I['ve done nothing with my life, I've contributed to lots of things and tried to help others, but in return I don't feel as if I've added anything good to the world I roam.
What good am I? I'm unemployable, I've got no real skills, and those I have are surpassed by others. I'll never be able to meet my own perceptions of why we are here, and what we are meant to do. So why should I bother? Well I say that and I haven't even got the bottle to do anything about it even if I wished to do so!! I suck, life sucks........