Saturday, December 31, 2011

Goodbye shitty 2011

I said I would return and I have, so the year 2011 is little over an hour away from departing, and my thoughts are good, I can say good bye to another year.  It hasn't been the worse one I've been through, but it's been bad enough.  Another year on the poverty line, another year estranged from the family, another year alone.  

It started off so positively, and with so much hope, but by March and April it fell apart, suicide was an option, I contemplated it, I even went out of the flat with the intention of taking my life, but in the end, or should I say once I'd contemplated the situation I didn't go through with it, I felt I had some more to offer, and one or two events in the future to keep me going.  I didn't wish to spoil a friends day, even that early in the year.  So I ploughed on, with no internet, no phone and no money, desperate to try and sort things out.  

Many jobs were applied for, some I wanted, some I didn't.  Some were in the field of work I have experience in and others not, but all but one this year ended up in the same place, the waste bin, only one interview all year, and even then it was informal, lasted no more than say 10 minutes, and even by the time I'd sat down to start the chat, I knew I wasn't going to get the role, no matter how hard I sold myself.  I have become disenchanted with my job search, to cap it off towards the end of the year, I was refered to a government agency in October, for the next level of help, as of now, as of tomorrow, I've heard nothing from them.  I contacted them recently and they said they'd not got my info, the job centre told me they'd sent the info via snail mail rather than electronically for some reason, I have no idea why, but they did, and it hadn't been dealt with.  They said I'd hear something, well I haven't and that just about sums it all up really.  If the people out there who are employed to help me are ignoring me, then what hope in hell have I got of an employer of taking notice of me.

Once I hit the depression early in the year, and I seemed to be all alone, I drove people away from me, not intentionally, but I did.  I felt alone, I knew I was alone and so a retreat behind my own walls took place.  Even now many months later, I don't think I've poked my head back out yet.  I'm still confining myself to the friends that mean the most to me.  Not that I know if the plural is right?  There I go again, that could be seen by others as me being rude, I don't know if it is, but it's how internally I feel right now.  Who have I got close to me?  Well the one person that knows me the best, the one person whom I call friend and well as good as my sister, as the real sister isn't worth mentioning.  That's how I see things.  Those with whom I used to confine in, had to distance themselves from me or chose to and whilst communications are open, from my perspective and from me, I've been reluctant to really open up.  I think that may well be a defence mechanism, I really did take a huge hit back at the start of the year.

Yes, I've moved on, and have become more involved in things since, in an attempt I guess to help myself, but how much that has done I don't know?  Perhaps now is the time I'll find out, being on the edge of another depression, and edge is the word.  I've spotted the signs as my previous post earlier today showed, so I may be able to work something out and prevent that from taking place.  Even if it means making an appointment with my GP and having to go back onto anti depressants, which will be a last resort in the next week or so if I have to.  Going back to what I was talking about, I've got events coming up to take my mind off the situation here at my flat, and if they work then so be it, but I do have to give them a chance, I can't go into them, being negative, nor can I do so thinking they'll be the answer to everything, they won't be.  That sort of attitude will only end in trouble.  

Now this review wll probably sound really negative when I read it back in a year or so time, but let's try to be positive, there was some really positive things come out of this year.  Yet, more sporting joy, and musical entertainment.  I met some new people, who are nice, and I get along with.  So that's a start.  I've been able to rebuild bridges with sorts with those that I pushed away earlier in the year, although as previously stated they are not as secure as they were, the rebuilding process is taking time  and that's a good thing, I don't want to see that crumble again.  I've visited Wrexham in the first time in ages, which may not sound much.  Indeed it really isn't, as Wrexham isn't really that much, but it has significance in my life as I'm sure I've written, so that was enjoyable.  I've started to write in here again, and found that I could maintain doing so, and do so on a regular basis in good and bad times.  I'm not sure if this is the second or third most productive year in this blog, however it's been fun to write.  It's been fun to alter it's appearnace after so many years.  

Appearances, oh if only they could change else where, progress has been made, but it's slow and though I knew it would be, every now and again it really does hurt me how slow.  It's times like that I undertake periods of self pity and self loathing in equally high quantities.  I'm jealous like hell of many people, alot of whom I've only met in the last 2 years or so, and I doubt they'll be reading this, but I'm not naming names.  Thank you in many ways, your beauty is wonderful, and I'm jealous as hell, but it's that jealousy that some times drives me on, gives me a spur, whih normally lasts no more than a day or two, but it feeds me in positive ways, if I'm happy though of course if down negatively.  

So there we go I don't think I've really reviewed the year, perhaps put a perspective on it from the position I find myself in now, but I write in the moment, and some of this has been thought of, most of it is spontious.  So I hope to see you in 2012, perhaps a little more regular in here than else where, I don't know.  Howerver, those who have stuck by this blog and read no matter what, I'm sorry it's been such a brutal read at times, sorry I've had to write some horrible things, but it's designed to help me and to let others know how I feel, and also on my fight against all that's nasty in my life.  I can not write for others.  I do however thank you all for reading, I'm not sure why you do so, but when I see 10 or 11 people reading each blog I know some one, some where is and it sort of encourages me to continue. 

Bouncing... into a storm.

Oh hell, why didn't someone shout?  Why didn't I wake up and smell the coffee?  What have I been doing?  What could have been so entralling for me to miss what I can see?  

The  storm to which I've been alluding too has touched down I think?  This isn't the best time for it to hit.  I've spent the morning doing bits and bobs and the plan was to hit the shops after listening to the football.  I did just that, OK the result wasn't great, but I can cope with that.  However, on leaving the house, I spotted a group of random people chatting around a car on the opposite side of the road, and I collapsed into my shell, head down, music on and off I walked.  Planning on what I would be if I could, and what I had in and how much money I could play with.  

Then as I crossed a second road on my journey in, during a change of track I heard a car horn and some shouting, I turned to see the said car turning and people laughing.  Was it aimed at me?  Hang on why should it be aimed at me?  If so? what have I done?  I don't know them.  In that 1 or 2 seconds I lost everything, all the stability that I've had for months crumbled.  I still went down to the shops, walked into Eccles, though as I approached Morrison's more and more people were about, and I was convinced they were staring at me, and yet I know they weren't.  I became paranoid, and was bouncing, ready to launch into anyone for anything.  However, I collected myself, I walked into the super busy Morrison's but that didn't help, that was just as busy and as I walked up one isle, to find people looking at shelves or moving the other way I felt that they were there to stop me, it was all against me.  I felt like I was swimming against a tide of hurricane force.  

So upon leaving the store I marched across to Aldi, well marched is the wrong word, walked across trying to compose myself trying to stop myself getting wound up, all the time thinking the world was watching me.  I got into the store, and just went to what I wanted, including the item that I forgot last night.  Yes, I forgot something last night, it was only a minor thing, but it spoilt the intended meal.  However the checkouts were busy, how I got through I don't know, but I did and walked home.  

I say walked home it wasn't that easy, as half way home I realised I'd have to cross the bridge, which was a problem, the mood I had found myself in wasn't good, but head down and a march and that was a march got me over it and on my way.  Around this time though it did hit me, my attention span has been getting shorter and shorter of late, as can be seen in my facebook updates, I've been struggling to find interest in things, and that's when I realised that I'd failed to see where I was and how close to the storm I have been.  

What can I do?  Well for one a nice long walk will work wonders for me, tomorrow that is, right now it's getting dark.  The very mood that I find myself in and of course the paranoid state won't help So that will have to be tomorrow, I can write in here, and notice how much I've written considering that over the past few days I've been struggling to find anything to write.  See how bloody descriptive it is and clear, rather than alluding to anything.  Maybe, I've spotted it early and can cope with it, I'm not sure that drinking will help, but it might.  It's New Year's Eve for heaven's sake, one of my favourite nights of the year.

Last year I spent it at a friends house and really enjoyed myself, this year I'm going to alone and doing anything that I can to keep me entertained.  I know that someone thought I may be going to a party, but I didn't get invited, and so that killed that idea off.  I've done NYE alone many a time and I don't mind.  So it's sit back and let the storm do it's worse.  This probably won't be the last entry today, I may sit down later and do a review of the past 12 months, I've got plenty to write about and plenty to think about. Till then toodle pips.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Sitting Down

I begin this post with forboding as to where I'll end up at the end of it, the weather isn't as bad as it was yesterday, but it's still grey, still wet and horrible.  Me, I'm in a place on the edge of pot hole, deciding if I'm going to stay looking down into it or take the plunge.  

Whilst that doesn't sound good and it isn't, this isn't the start of a depression, more me being quite upset.  I mentioned in yesterday's post how I'd planned to take my niece out to the chippy for lunch as a treat for her birthday yesterday.  Well I text her eariler on, to set a time to get to her place to walk to the chippy and have lunch.  However, the response back wasn't good, she's being forced to go and visit friends of her parents, and whilst she didn't say anything, I'm guessing from the wording of the text that she didn't want to go, but was being told she had to.  Now this isn't the first time recently this has happended with my niece.  I'm guessing that her mum and dad really don't want me to see her, and if that's the case then why can't they be brave enough to tell me to my face, and tell her that she can't see me.

Saying that, that would mean explaining to her the reasons why and they wouldn't want to do that would they?  They are scared that she'd ignore them and they'd lose a little bit of power on her.  So I'll sit here and suffer some more, and let the storm outside wage it's war to try and get at me.  I'm not going to let it in, I'm not going to allow this to spoil what has been a relativly long period of peace for me.  It will and is causing pain and yes my mood is similar to that just before I sink into the hell of depression, but I know why, I can sort it out, and whilst my niece would like to meet up tomorrow that's a little difficult for me, so it's going to have to wait.  

That's it, I'm not going to say anymore, rather than opening other wounds, and causing infections, then I'll stick to that and make it short and to the point.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Stormy outside

The weather today has been truely awful, wind, rain, hail with more wind has made today a real horrible winters day.  We've not had many of these this year, but today is one of those days.  I ventured out just after lunch time, and though for the majority of the time I managed to escape the worse of the weather, I did encounter a very nasty downpour, some wind and then hail and wind just as I was nearing home.  It could have been nicer, but I think I managed to strike it lucky.

I can not believe today is my nieces 15th birthday, crimes the little un' is 15, that's not so little any more.  Long gone are the days of being able to pick her up, sling her upon my shoulders and not bother about it.  Long gone are the days of being able to wind her up really easily and spark her into actionn, which in turn would infuriate others.  Mind you we both knew we were having fun.  Tomorrow, we're going out for lunch a bit of a throw back, but we'll head to the chippy in Eccles, as they have a quaint sit down section.  We'll be all "Northern" with fish and chips, though perhaps a large sausage may be ordered instead of chips.  It's something neither of us has done for a while I suspect.

So we are now 3 days away from 2012!!  72 hours, well not quite that any more but you know what I mean.  I'm sort of ending the year feeling a bit flat.  Whilst I'm trying to find things to keep me busy and occupied, it's become harder of late, as nothing seems to be able to ignite a spark in me.  Still it's a mood that comes every so often and then goes away again.  This all started I guess on Christmas Day, after I'd finished watching some DVD's.  The idea of watching roadrunner was good, however it was over taken in the end and I watched the Star War's saga from start to finish.  It's the first time this year that I've watched them sequencially, and I'll be honest I really enjoyed doing so.  Little bits of the films had been forgot so some scenes no matter how many times I've seen them, I'd erased or simply failed to recall.  Once that had been finished however, filling up the time has since become a difficult process.  I'll sort it out for sure but by when?  I don't know?

Now it's time to leave this entry and go start preparing my tea, on this cold damp day, which isn't helping me I guess as I'm struggling to stay warm, a nice hot curry will go down a treat.  So till I speak again, hopefully before next year, cheerio....

Friday, December 23, 2011

Heavy metals.

It's a Friday, it's grey, it's raining and it's the day before Christmas Eve....  I'm not exactly feeling all festive, not because I don't enjoy this time of year, but I just don't think it feels as festive as it has done in previous years.  Maybe it's the ecconomic climate, maybe it's me getting old, who know's but this just doesn't feel like Christmas.  Yes, the shops have Christmas decorations up, but not many and whilst the normal Christmas tunes are being played, it's not at the normal level.  

So what's planned for today?  Well in the next 40 or 50 minutes or so I'm walking around to my sister's house to see my niece, we are supposed to be going to the local shops to pick up her present, but as it's raining I'm going to guess that she won't want to go, but we'll see.  I don't really want to spend any time at the house, for reasons that have been explained in the past.  However, we'll wait and see, I do hope she'll come with me, as it would be nice to chat.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon at the BBC for another event in the Celebrate Sport festival that they had prior to last nights Sport's Personality of the Year award (well done Mark Cavendish on that, well deserved!!).  This was a show dedicated to the unsung hero's of sport, of which one of those there won the main award last night during the above show.  However, whilst I shouldn't belittle those who won the award, or those nominated, I have to say the highlight was something small, something really trite in many ways considering the show itself.  Gail Emms was there to talk about unsung hero's and how they'd helped her out, in her career, but she'd also brought her Olympic silver medal with her.  She kindly passed it around the audience, and so for what will be the only time ever I held an Olympic medal in my hands.  I was quite surprised at how heavy it was, but it was beautiful.  As I say trite I know.  However, I should point out that I think I broke the lift that myself and a few others including Gail Emms were taking to come out of the event.  It wasn't my fault the doors tried to shut on me as I walked into the lift.  Then when we got down to the level below they wouldn't shut then.  So we had to swap lifts.  

My word it looks shockingly miserable outside, I don't know about my niece not wanting to go out, it has seemingly got worse as I've typed this out.  Mind you it will do me good to get out, as it's close to Christmas, hardly any of the television programmes that I would watch of a morning are being aired, so it's making the day that bit longer.  So going out will break the boredom, and boredom leads to mood swings and mood swings ain't good when you don't like this time of year.  So change iis good. 

Sunday, December 18, 2011

3 Phase Days

It's a chilli, sunny Sunday here, but one that looks really pretty out of the window.  Over the past couple of days I've been trying to sort myself out or at least looking at why things had taken a turn for the worst on Friday.  I think it was a blip, a crash and though I can't say I'm not prone to those it does seem that it was just that a crash.  

I spent yesterday in 3 phases, early in the morning I went to Eccles to pick up some shopping, only one or two bits, but that was the plan.  It was the farmers market, and so I was looking around there and saw a friend, whom I'd not seen for quite a while so we had a nice chat over a cup of coffee, which warmed us both up.  Whilst I was out, I had a text from another friend, who said she'd call me, I had to delay that, but delay we did and we had a nice but short chat over the phone in the afternoon.  That was phase 2, which again was nice.  We'd not spoken to each for as long if not longer than it had been between myself and my first friend I'd seen.  However, I had to curtail that conversation, as I had to go out to a radio show at the BBC.  That was fun and a entertaining way to end the day.  That was phase 3, and made sure that the day ended really well.  I got home had something to eat, and not long afterwards I was in bed and asleep.  

What a difference a nice day can do to one's mood and it certainly was nice.  As I keep saying being socialable is something I enjoy and it proved to me how much I enjoy it.  So I sit here now listening to the radio and feeling tons better than I did late Friday night. 

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Recovery Vehicle Found

It's the morning after the night before and whilst I'm putting the crash down last night to possibly being part of the ripple effect of my fall a few weeks back now, I've just started to question that as I type.  So I'm going to look into this a bit more now.

So why after so long have I crashed?  Is it to do with the fall a few weeks ago?  Has the rush that caused not only of emotions, but also adrenalin just ran out?  Am I suffering the whole effects of that right now?  I question this as whilst I've still got the wound on my hand, the bruising around my knee is only just fading.  It could be that kicking in and me feeling sorry for myself.  I thought I'd done that enough on the day of the fall, but maybe not??  

What else could it be then?  Well, I accept I'm no fan of Xmas, it's well documented that I don't like it and have said so quite recently.  Having been out last night for Trec's Xmas party, and being rather social, coming home to the empty flat, which was cold, me being cold and hungry perhaps combined to induce the feeling I did.  I'm not sure now, but what ever it was, the crash was rather dramatic, as I'd been feeling so good for so long.  That's the thing that really hit me last night, and why I had to write and why I'm trying to examine this right now.  I've been so up of late and to crash like that is a bit of a shock.  

Maybe it wasn't the flat that was the issue, maybe it's the old being alone thing that hit me last night.  Another well documented part of my make up, the love of being social and yet the reality of total loneliness that encapsulates my life.  Perhaps it was that, with all the tales of impending festive activities, with family, with partners, with friends.  Maybe the realisation that I'm going to be alone with turkey lasagne, maybe a cheap bottle of wine and what ever I decide to watch.  It isn't going to be as they say a "Happy Christmas" for me.  That's why I dislike this festive period, it's never happy for me, and yet externally I force myself to be so for the world, and it takes it toll, that may have prompted the crash last night?  There is only so much one can do, before it becomes difficult to maintain the facade and that's crumbled.  

Now to be positive about it, at least I got to my flat and relaxed rather than being with everyone else last night, which is good, but then if it was a facade, then I would have been building scaffolding to keep it up till we finished last night and when would that have finished when I walked through my door.  Still at least I didn't spoil anyone ones night and that's good.  I've taken time to try and understand what happend, maybe the hunger, lack of anything in my system meant that I couldn't keep the pretence up.  Perhaps had I eaten before going out I'd have felt better on getting in? Who knows, but by sitting down and looking at it, I've a better understanding of what happened, and yes, this entry may be a few paragraphs long, and I may have just touched on things, but I think a combination of everything that I have written hit and that they all played a part, and it wasn't just one thing.  So now the plan of action is to get breakfast done, go get a little bit of shopping done, and then relax a little and try and enjoy the day.  I feel a bit better having explored what happend and knowledge is powerful in these cirucmstances.

Friday, December 16, 2011


I need to write something, maybe a little short note, I don't know I just need to write.  I've been out all night and I've been fine, I've been OK for a ages, and yet I've walked into my cold, small flat, feeling all alone, miserable and basically fallen over the edge of the cliff.  I'm not sure what's set it off or pushed me if anything did.  I'll be OK come the morning, but I could do with a pick me up some how, though what that would be I don't know.  This is a strange feeling considering how "happy" I've been of late.  Reason enough to write, to get it out of the system and to revisit tomorrow. 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Wildlife or Sport

No deadline, no outlines, just a blank canvas.  That's how I'm going to approach this entry today.  So this could be drivel, it could be good, lets just see.

Where am I?  It's a good question that I'm asking myself, apart from being at home, in Salford of course, I'm in a positive point in my life.  I'm not feeling down, yes I've got worries, but they are general worries which I can deal with between now and then, I've got some stress, but then that can be healthy.  I can see hope, and no hope in the same distance, and whilst both lie down seperate paths, there is another path to lead which I'm happily walking down, it's one that I'm comfortable with, it doesn't lead down to a miserable point, like the no hope path does, and unlike the hope path it's not leading up to the top of the mountain, where it's really easy to fall off onto the no hope path.  

So things are OK, which is good, going into a season which I hate quite a lot really.  I know I've talked about this in the past, how I dislike Christmas, but right now I'm not going to pay to much attention to it.  We are now what 10 days away from the "big day", I've got 3 cards in my room, and that's it.  The weather is cold, but it's winter and that's it really.  I'm not exactly in contact with my family so I don't have to do Christmas with them, I'm not having to go out of my way to do anything really different than normal.  So hey ho, it's just another day for me this year, and that is good news.  

What will be interesting however, will be the reaction of my family to the cards they've been sent this year.  I wonder what the fall out of that will be?  I know my sister and brother in law, will not be happy with me, or they'll be trying think of an excuse to tell my neice about the card, but I await to see what the out come is.  I wonder if they'll suddenly remember I exist, or where I live for that matter?  I doubt it very much, I expect the cards to be delivered via the ice cream man again.  I can only but wait I guess.  My Xmas meal is sorted out, turkey lasagne, I've got the mince, got the lasagne sauces ready, all I need now are more sheets of pasta, some pepers and bacon.  Then it's all done and dusted.  

Last night I was out at Salford Quays, listening to and watching an interview of two former football players, Jimmy Arnfield and Jim Coombs, the later also played cricket for various county teams and is now CEO of Lancashrie Cricket Club, who featured so much in early September of this blog.  I had thought it was going to be recorded for future broadcast, but no, it was a one off chat, between themselves and the presenter Jaqui Oakley of the BBC>  It was a wonderful night really, two sportsmen from an era long ago, talking about there own careers and those of there own heroes.  Then post the end of the interview, and whilst the majority of the audience left the building the two of them stood chatting to some of the audience, and answering questions that hadn't been able to be asked during the main session, as well as discussing other things.  I'm so glad that I was able to go, but it was also one of those events that I wish I'd been able to take my father and my god father for that matter, both of whom have long since passed away.  They would have loved to have listened to and possibly asked a few questions to both of these wonderful gentlemen.  

There you have it, the end of another blog entry, however one minor point, whilst waiting in the lobby area of the new BBC Sport building at Salford Quays, I thought I was either drunk or on some medication, I saw an elephant walking around on two legs and and giraffe that was 7ft tall doing the same.  OK, so it was the club mascots of Everton FC and Lancashire CCC, however it was rather random.  The whole concept for Lancashire having a giraffe as a mascot is odd, though I suspect as lots of people refer to Lancashire as Lancy, it's come from that and the tallest of the animal kingdom is a giraffe.  Still it's very, very odd.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Cheerful Outlooks.

I sit before the monitor thinking I'm going to write, thinking what to write and then letting my fingers begin the journey around the keyboard.  Tonight's blog is only intended to be short and sweet.  I need to pop out to the shops to pick up some groceries, so I'm not intending on a long entry.  How many times have I said that in this blog and go on for ever and a day??  So I'll try my best.

Not to much has transpired since the last entry which doestn't seem to be like last Wednesday, but much later to be honest.  Still Wednesday it is.  I was out on Saturday night in Manchester for a Christmas "do" and have to say that I enjoyed myself.  It's not often that I say that about night outs, but I did and I'm sure it was the company I was with, who made it enjoyable and entertaining, even if it was Karaoke which I detest.  It even got to the point where I was considering destroying a couple of songs, but couldn't find it in me to do such a thing.

Sunday was spent chilling out after the night before.  Getting in at 4am, wasn't an issue and I woke up 2 or 3 times before getting up rather late at 9.30, but hey I had nothing to do and can do what I want.  So I spent the day doing diddly squat.  It was possibly one of the best days of the year, as I couldn't care less really about anything that was going on, I just did what I wanted to do, and when I wanted to do it.  That was beautiful and something that I can do every day, but I don't think I do do every day, or not with the abandon that I did on Sunday.  

I'm still waiting for the guys to come and sort out the water heater in my room, the landlord arrived on Friday I think it was to have a look at it and then said it would be Monday afternoon when the electrician and his handy man would come and change it for me.  It's now Tuesday night and I've not had anyone around, it's now over a week since I switched the thing off and it's a royal pain in the backside not having hot water in the flat, if it continues for much longer I'm really going to get angry.  However, I don't have much room to complain about in some respect, but hey we'll see how that goes.

Tomorrow night I'm out at the BBC again for another radio show I applied for loads of things last week and got 3 sets of tickets back, so with the show tomorrow, I've got 4 shows to go and sit in on, which I'm really looking forward to.  It gets me out of the flat and it's also nice to be entertained by others even if it is only for an hour or so.  Different environments always helps one's outlook on life.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Venturing Out

It's a gloomy mid winters day, it's been raining for most of it, the tree's are bare the sky is gun metal grey and it's cold inside, so god only knows what it's like outside!!  I'll be venturing out soon, to go speak to someone and then to go do some shopping towards my tea tonight.  I'm going a experimental run for Christmas, in I'm trying out a couple of new items as opposed to the trusted, just to see how it tastes and if it's good enough for Christmas dinner.  

That's my only venture out today, I'm awaiting a phone call from the estate agents to tell me what's happening over the water heater in my flat.  It has a history of tripping the electric in my room, first of all it would trip the meter in my flat, but then it started to trip the fuse box switch for my flat in the cellar last year.  The land lords handy person came out and said it really did need replacing and he'd get onto the land lord over it, but hey it's never been done.  Much like the fact that the damp that has been attacking the flat for well over 2 years now hasn't been treated, even though the estate agents have notified him after the last two yearly inspections.  I have my own thoughts as to why this is so, but I can't prove that, but I maintain to myself that I'm right on this one for a change.  

Whilst I'm awaiting this to be seen too, I've switched the water heater off at the switch and at the mains box in my flat, it blew out twice yesterday within the space of an hour or so, which wasn't good as my pc was on both times, I'm just lucky it wasn't damaged by it.  However, I'm not going to take the risk again so I've got no hot water in my flat, well I have if I heat some on the cooker or use the kettle to boil some water, but it's labourious and time consuming in comparrison to having the water heater.  I can cope for a short period of time, but anything more than a couple of days and I'm going to get very angry at the estate agents over it.  I know it isn't there fault, but they are the point of contact and if I don't get onto them and express my frustration and anger they won't be able to express that to the land lord will they???

Not a lot has taken place since my last post, I've potter around, had to put money in the gas meter for the first time since March, but hey that's not too bad as it takes only £7 to fill that up, so £7 of gas over 9 months isn't bad at all by my reasoning.  Mind that means I don't use my fire that much, say for the odd 20/30 minutes here and there.  I'm using alternate methods to keep myself warm, methods which have proven harmful in the past, but hot water bottles do the job perfectly well, as the only places that get real cold are my arms and hands.  Its increasingly becoming harder to type this entry as my hands are quite cold right now and are starting to seize up a little, even though I'm typing quite quickly to try and keep them moving.  

One thing has puzzled me of late and it's a mystery to me, but at least 3 people have asked for my address of late, OK I can guess why, but of the 3, 2 I thought definately had the address and have posted things before, whilst another was given the address in September, though I can't recall if it were online or via a text message which might easily have been deleted.  It's as if the world has decided to wipe me from the address book of everyone.  Mind you at least it's a reason to communicate with people, and they've had to communicate with them.  It makes me happy to communicate which is something I've spoken about at length in this blog.  So I shouldn't really complain, though it's not a complaint, more my inquisitive nature as why this has happened over the past week and from so many... 

Saturday, December 03, 2011

My Little Black Book

I know what I want to title this entry, but it isn't going to get a title till I finish it.  This one is the 500th entry into this blog and whilst it's taken just over 8 years looking at the time frame on it, I make no public appologies for it being that big of a time span.  I may well have started off well intentioned and in some years really worked hard to make many a post.  This year has been rather productive and I've almost come back, to blogging to help myself out rather than anyone else.  However, I'll wait and see how I go before I really make any comment about a whole scale return.

On reading some of the early entries I can see that some of the stuff being written then ring too today.  I for example made comments over leaving the field of work I was in and how little experience I had outside of it.  Two years ago that move was made and I've since had no job, and finding it difficult to get into any other field due to my lack of experience.  That was quite a forward thinking entry I guess 8 years ago!!  No this blog has helped through the bad times, it's been a place for me to write down my emotions, sometimes when I've been bad I've not come here, and not written and after this past year or so I know I've been rather foolish I guess in ignoring it.  

Anyway, lets not get sentimental with all this gushing of praising myself for 500 posts, I could have done so much more over the years, and should of, but then again I had no idea that I'd get here and be still writing in here when I first started to write.  I'm sure that Janet, who inspired the blog in the first place no longer reads this, and apart from the occasional posts over in Oilfans I've hardly seen her online since then.  I'm sure she's doing very well over in Canada, doing whatever very well.  

Today is going to be a day of doing not a lot really, I've showered, I've got this years first Xmas card, and that's it.  The weather can't decide if it wants to be bright or cloudy, Dry or wet and I guess mild or cold.  It isn't exactly suggesting go for a walk today.  I know I should, but I'm still suffering from my fall earlier in the week.  So I'n going to leave the walking till I feel better.  It's for the best I guess, as I wouldn't be able to push myself if I'm not 100% and of course I'll be a little fearful.  Which is certainly something I'll have to conquer.  So I'll spend the day doing very little, though I will listen to some football and catch up on one or two tv shows that I missed last night and that's going to be it.  I doubt I'll go out today, though I know I'll be bemoaning myself if I don't and be in a foul mood.  Well I won't, as I'll be wary of falling into that position, but I guess I'll want some sort of conversation with someone rather than with myself, which I'm doing right now whilst typing this entry.  

Hmm, this is becoming rather fragmented as I'm playing scrabble online, whilst trying to type this entry, OK the scrabble can wait, but it does give me a chance to reformulate my thoughts and send me in new directions, and that's always a good thing I guess, it gives me more ideas to add to this post.  Though not all are great, like thinking if this could be 500 words long.  Even as I type that, I know it won't happen, but as an alternate perhaps 500 lines, but that's just crazy, and I don't want the hole 500 theme thing to it anyway.  

Yesterday I asked for a usual day, rather than a "normal" day as we know normal doesn't exist, and so it was a uusal day full of up's, downs and well near enough everything inbetween.  Such is life, and such it is right now, that one thing I'm struggling with of late is to be able to come up with little quotes on life or even find some really good ones that I like.  My little black book of quotes hasn't had anything new in it for ages and whilst I could add freely to it in the past, now it's quite difficult.  So perhaps the aim/target/resolution for 2012 (apart from a job/money etc), will be to continue writing and to search for within myself, and from external sources quotes to add to my little black book.

Friday, December 02, 2011

Contrasting Days

December is upon us and it's started off well, hundreds of times better than November finished...  A positive start to the month is always a good one, and this month started off positively.  I look forward to the next 30 days or so, and even now start to think of how I'm going to write or what I'm going to write towards the end of this 30 day period as a review of the year that has been 2011.

So to begin, a summary of Wednesday, which I have to put down, as it will help negate it in my memory.  I set off to catch the bus to Leigh at 8.55, knowing that it should be plenty of time to get to the bus stop and wait for the 9.08 bus.  As with the previous week though as I was turned the first corner I saw a bus pass the top of the road towards the stop, no issue, the previous week another "earlier" bus had arrived and I jumped on that and just changed my route.  So I got to the stop, and waited not sure which bus had passed nor if the bus I'd wanted had come past earlier.  So I waited till a few minutes past the designated time of arrival and set off walking down the road to a stop further down the road which has another bus I could catch arrives at.  Constantly checking to see if the one I did want was late.

I went past the first stop, which I had intended to do, got half way between this stop and the stop I wanted, when the original appeared at the top of the road, plenty of space between it and myself, and it had a busy roundabout to negate.  So I turned and started to run for the bus, though within two or three yards, I knew I was going to fall, I hadn't tripped or slipped, but I knew I was falling.  I tried to correct myself, by slowing down and at one point I thought I'd corrected it, but no down I went.  All this was in seconds though it sounds like a life time.  I knew it was a big fall, and in true sporting fashion, I stayed down a little longer than needed, as I knew cars were passing etc, and embarresment and pride were kicking in, I'd never done that before, plus I was a little concerned about the fact I'd landed on my knees, before bouncing and twisting onto my back.  As I got up a car stopped and asked if I was OK, I was shaken, but said I'd be fine just a little sore.  The bus stopped which was wonderful, I was no where near the stop, but the loveley driver stopped for me anyway.  

As I'd got up, I'd found my hat and keys had come off my head and out of my pockets respectively,so I collected them and was carrying them onto the bus.  As the bus set off, and I was fumbling to get the money to pay for my ticket, my keys dropped again, I paid the driver collected my change and then picked my keys up.  I found a empty seat sat down, placed my hat and keys on the seat next to me, and realised I'd cut my hand in the fall.  It seemed like a superficial cut, but it was bad enough.  I put my hat in my bag, and thought I'd put my keys in my pocket, and went on my way to the stop I needed to be to get off and wait for the second bus.  At this point the cut hand was still messy, but I had no where to clean it up.  So I got onto the next bus, after another small adventure and got to Leigh.

I went for a brief walk around the shops in Leigh before heading to my appointment, but I was increasingly aware that the cut on my hand was still bleeding, so I intended to wash it and clean it at the centre where my appointment was.  Within 300 yards of reaching there, I went to change the music track on my phone, and suddenly realised I didn't have my keys with me.  I checked my bag, thinking I put them in there on the bus, but no they were not there.  It was here I thought they'd come out of my pocket on one of the 2 journeys I'd made today, so I walked back to the bus station, to ask them if they could contact the respective buses for me to see if my keys had been handed in.  It was here that I found the station or the offices closed.  With the mass strikes taking place on Wednesday, I hadn't realised that this would include the bus stations.  

Upon discussions with the striking staff I found that one inspector was working, and spoke with him.  He told me he'd contact the depot and ask them to ask the last bus I was on, and to come back later.  So I went back for my appointment, where I cleaned the cut up, but was concerned about the look of it, Using the magnifying glass and lights in the room, it was assessed by 2 others, though I thought it myself that I may have something in my hand.  A trip to the local "walk-in" small A&E dept. at the local infirmary was needed.  So I walked down there and checked in.  After being assesssed it was nearly an hour and 15 minutes before I was seen, and at first the nurse wasn't sure about a foriegn body being lodged in my hand.  After further inspection he claimed I might have, but by the time he removed the stone from my hand he was quite shocked at the size of it and how deeply embeded it had been.  Perhaps I'd fallen heavier than I had first thought, but it didn't seem that way.

Thankfully a friend whom I've met whilst in Leigh had come down to pick me up, she knew I'd been shaken etc, and knew of the lost keys.  So thankfully she drove me back to the bus station, where I hunted down the inspector, but no luck, the keys weren't on the second bus, and thus hadn't been brought back to the station.  He gave me some numbers to ring, but told me to wait another hour or two.  I was despondant, I had no where to go really, and apart from texting my best friend and my friend in Leigh, I felt alone, in need of a huge hug.  I returned to my friends house had a coffee, and a chat, before calling the bus depot, where upon I was told that no keys had been found and that I should call back between 6.30 and 7,00pm.  Not good as I wouldn't be able to get a spare set of keys available then.  

They did explain that the keys would be handed over to the new drivers who had taken the bus over, from the previous one and when the bus arrives back at the dopot would be placed into lost property then.  All well and good, but if they aren't and at that time I'd be in a horrible situation.  So I rang the estate agents explained the them, but they said I'd have to get a spare set cut from there keys, so I'd have to go to them before they shut.  By now it was getting towards 2pm.  I left my friends house walked back to the bus station, shaken alone and pondering what else will go wrong today.  Just as I arrived back at the station my friend called and told me she'd run me back to where I wanted to go.  I was so grateful, so she did just that and after a search of that area to see if the keys had fallen out on the pavement etc, I jumped on a bus back to the estate agenets,  I did ask the driver of two buses running the same route I'd followed in the morning if any keys had been passed over to them, but none had.  I was told 5 different buses were running that route all at once.  However, I could identify which one it was due to the nicer seats on the earlier bus, still no luck with that idea.  

When things are going against me they really go against me, any regular reader will know I have that knack of not one, two or even three things going wrong at once, but more like seven or eight.  Today was about to follow that path.  The estate agents, had no spare keys per say to my flat, they needed to speak to the land lord, however they'd left a few messages with him and emailed him, but had no response.  It was coming up to 3.30, and obviously I was increasingly worried that I'd not find my keys and all the impending worry that would cause and no response by the land lord was causing concern that he might not get back intouch till the following day and where would I sleep that night.  This was increased when the estate agent called back.  As I was outside the shop, I walked in, to be greeted with the news, that the land lord had spoken to them, and that he'd get spare set of keys cut, however they are a "special" barrel or something and so it would cost me between £20 to £30 to replace mine.  Also he couldn't get it done till the morning.  I had no idea what I'd be doing!!  One of the members of the team at the estate agents thought they had keys to get them into my place, which would enable me to get in, but not go out at all till the following day.  He said he'd meet me at my place at 4.30.  I had 40 minutes to get home.  

I was home in plenty of time, the final of the 5 buses came and it wasn't going to have my keys on it, my phone by now was running low on battery as well, so I had nothing to keep me entertained.  I sat outside my house, despondant, cold, shaken and in tears waiting till 4.30 to arrive.  When the gentleman arrived, at felt some relief that this nightmare would come to an end, but no, the keys he brought wouldn't gain access into the building to get to my flat, upon gaining entry via asking one of the other residents to let us in, his keys again didn't fit my room, and it was now I really broke down. He left to go find another set of keys, I thought I'd try the bus depot, after even though it wasn't 6.30, it was worth a try.  A bright spark, a star, the beacon or anything else you wish to call it shot up, they had a set of keys, I knew the amount of keys, what type of keys they were both them fitted the description, but what else to identify them?  I couldn't recall, all I could think of was a small plastic non descript keyring.  It wasn't till they mentioned a Oilers key ring bought by my friend in Denmark last year, that it became clear they had my keys.  I called the estate agents, told them the news, and not to send the gentleman out with "the other keys" he'd gone to collect and off to Bolton on the bus. It was rush hour traffic though and the trip took forever.  I got the keys, caught the bus home and got in just before 7.30pm.  

The football that night was inconsequencial, I was in, I could eat, I could drink and get warm.  I could lick my wounds, many of them were physical and also mental.  Wednesday was a god awful day with one light, a big light all the same, but it couldn't brighten the day and it's going down as a very dark, dark day.

On waking yesterday to a new month, I discovered that apart from the graze on my knee, a huge bruise, and also sore ribs and bum.  I really must have hit the floor with some force and yet I don't know how I fell.  I also discovered that I think I may have broken my camera in the fall, but hey the way Wednesday went, it's hardly surprising to me.  Anyway, yesterday arrived and I spent all day going around the differing shopping area's of Salford promoting World Aids day, and selling red ribbons.  Starting in Eccles, moving to Walkden, Swinton, Pendleton (Salford) and then to the Lowry.  What a contrasting day to the previous day.  It was spent with wonderful people, chatting about anything and everything.  Seeing the sights and sounds of Salford, and raising some money towards local charities that deal with people with HIV/Aids.  I may have got home a little cold, a little hungry, but unlike the previous day my spirits had been lifted, it had been a positive day, and one where I'd been very socialable with others.  Most unlike me wouldn't you say?  Well I am socialable, but what I mean is one where I've been surrouded by others rather than being alone.  

Returning to my entry into this post, I'm here by hoping that December follows it's humble, but beautiful start rather than following November's horrible finish.  You know though, I could still do with that big hug, but friendly voices on telephone calls yesterday morning, friends in Leigh and Winchester helped me get over Wednesday and one won't forget that.  Thanks one and all.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Push and Pull

So here we are again, another morning a bright clear morning the sun is bright and not a cloud in sight.  Though I've not ventured out yet, I'm distinctly aware that it's cold outside.  I think the neighbours eldest proved that by only being out for 10 minutes or so practising her netball skills in the back garden.  With hat, scarf and gloves on, she happily shot some hoops with equal amount of failure and success.  

I've noticed in myself a distinct trait that I don't know if I like or not over the past week or so.  It's really strange and one to explore.  It's pushing and pulling and whilst I'm sure I've done in the past I've only recognised it now.  I don't know why I do it, perhhaps I'm scared, perhaps it's a natural occurance in everyone, but I've found myself doing it this week, and whilst I'm possibly happy doing, I also feel a sense of guilt, which is nibbiling away at me as I hate to be so nasty, as that isn't in my nature.  Well I say that I've had to have some sort of nastiness in me, to be as cold as I am at times, but that I think has always been an act.

The worse part for me is the pushing, as that's not fair, and whilst I am trying to write and think about it, I'm being drawn back to one notion that it's a defence mechanism, and it's kicking in, but why it's kicked in this week I don't know?  I really don't?  Though I've identified where I'm pushing, I've no reason to feel threatend, or endangered or at least I didn't think I did.  Perhaps my own misguided senses are playing games with me, and that it's those that are causing me to do this and that of course concerns me as obviously I could have done this before and if I have, to what cost have I done so?  Maybe that's why I'm in the position I am right now?  Maybe that's why I'm here writing rather than enjoying other things?  Oh now that's a thought, but I've got to accept that what has gone on, has done so and I won't be able to reclaim back, damage has been done and it's time to move forward.  

Oh now that's a bold statement, but lets see how we go on, and now I've identified this I'll see it again and again, but having seen it, I'll be able to deal with it and perhaps prevent myself from going to far?  I hope so as that could be the trick the one time I do stop and joy could be beholdeth. 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

It's easy to be inquisitive

So it's Saturday lunch time, the sky can't be seen...  I think it's grey, but against the back ground I just can't see it.  Can we please change it at half time to blue and white???  

It's been a couple of days since I last wrote in here, and whilst it would be easy to say not a lot has happened, which in many ways it hasn't, things have changed a bit.  I was in London yesterday for a meeting, in the lovely new Unison building over the road from the previous headquarters.  I regret not taking a few photo's of the view from the conference room we were in, as we could see all the major landmarks in London, as clear as day the view was stunning.  Quite different to Manchester, and I dare say not as pretty.  I say that as though it had land mark building after iconic building etc, it's so built up with nothing to see around it.  In Manchester, you get the major buildings, but the hills in the background and all the lovely surrounding area's.  All we got yesterday was more and more buildings.  

The train ride home though was perhaps the funniest I've been on, and I say that not because it was nice to find what took place funny, but it was just the moment of it all.  I'm sure that most people have been in similar situations, at one point or another.  As the train we had reserved seats on had been cancelled, we got on the next train and the only seats available were some jump seats near one of the toilets.  That the train was so full the door ways either side of us became full as well says how full the train was.  So being surrounded by random people, was OK, no one was bothering each other till the next person along comes, quite merry and starts to chat and goodness knows what else to everyone.  That's when it got funny.  In the end we got back into Manchester, relieved that we'd got back, but entertained by the antics and whilst train journeys in cramped area's like that can last an age, this one didn't due no end to the comedy.  I hope the young person who was rather drunk by the time we got back into Manchester is having a good time with her sister, and that the inevitable sore head she'll have isn't so bad to ruin today.

However, on with the show and I've stolen her "most important word in the world" as my word of the day.  Inquisitive, I don't know where it came from in the conversations she was having with everyone, but that was the word that she loved.  It is a pretty word and a pretty odd word to think of as being the best in the world, but it's not one that I use a lot unless it's like today where I'm trying to use it as often as I can.  I guess I should perhaps do a write up of the meeting I was for official purposes, and of course during that write up the word will be included some how I feel, it's only fair.  

December is nearly upon us, and I guess it's time to consider Xmas, though I don't know why it's just going to be any other day as far as I'm concerned.  I may watch a movie or four, listen to some Xmas type music, but that's about it really, nothing else.  New Year is where it's at, it's the time to start afresh, to be positive that the next 12 months will be better than the last ones, that things you want to do, will be done and things that have gone on are now firmly in the past.  However, like the so called New Year Resolutions made by many a person, the above is soon forgotton and everything returns to how they were the previous year.  I'll try to stay positive, and try and get things moving again, but there may be more negatives before the positives appear I feel.  

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Quandry of Tops and Bottoms

My last post suggested a struggle a struggle with my own mind over my appearance and how one part didn't perhaps meet the image that I wanted.  Well it happened again, and whilst I sort of expected it too, for various reasons it hit in a different way.

So what's the quandry?  Well the top isn't great, and by top I'm talking about my own top.  The image I want isn't there, it's look well awful, and I'm so unhappy with that, it's driving me insane and yet I can't do anything about it.  So I have to endure it, and whilst I try to do that for a few days, the people who are meant to help with that don't read, don't listen and do there own thing.  That hurt today, that hurt badly as I have made it clear how they can help me, but either because they wanted to ignore me or for what ever reason they did it there way and that was wrong.  I lost confidence, though the job they were doing was fine, with all things considered, it was uncomofortable, but fine.  However with no confidence I lost it, and that wasn't fair on them. So I didn't show them, I've learnt a new trick how to cry out of one eye..  It's a neat trick, and one that means I can show one emotion in one eye and hide the real emotion in the other, which boosts confidence of those who are destroying mine.  

With the the top is causing no end of trouble to me right now, and yet over the past few days the bottom is working wonders.  I'm finding I'm losing it again the bottom is going, well slowly, but it's going which is doing my confidence a world of good.  So that as you can see is the quandry, whilst it's becoming clear that I'll needs smaller clothes, and how good a ego boost is that, the other half is all negative and so I ride the fine line I've spoken of and trying to work out the mixture of emotions it's causing me.  Perhaps the tops issue is a knock on effect of the orginal comment, which was a positive comment, which some how has turned into a negative.  Perhaps that's me looking for something to beat myself down with after all this time?  I don't think so as I'm trying to be positive about myself and have been doing such a good job of it of late.  Oh I don't really know, I feel like I'm throwing emotions in the air and catching anything I can, and those that know me, know I can't catch for toffee, so I'm clutching at emotions (rather than straws I guess).  One minute high, one minute low, but it isn't a depressive low, it's more self image, mixed with the loathing, but that's part and parcel of the same thing right?

I've started walking again, that helped earlier this year and it helped me lose some weight not only then, but previously, and so I guess I should continue that as I need to lose some more weight.  I found that I'm walking way faster than I had realised, and was ahead of my aim from the phsyio, so I'm extending my normal walk to 5 miles a day, and have found that I can do that in just over an hour.  An hour nine minutes yesterday, however I'm paying for it today, as I didn't drink enough fluids during the walk and didn't really replenish them through the day, so I've had a stinking headache all day.  I'll sort that out and hit the road tomorrow, and drink plenty.  I've set a target of hopefully February to get to 5 miles in an hour, if not below and the aim is to be able to walk 6 miles in about an hour by the end next year say?  That would seriously help me lose some weight and I may be able to get down to the target weight quicker than I thought I would?  Who knows, but what a confidence boost that would be???

Thursday, November 17, 2011

A Stark Reminder.

My previous entry was entitled fine line, and indeed it is a fine line as I've found out the past few days.  It may not be the most sensible thing I've done writing today, but I feel the need to let go and see if that helps rid me of the thoughts and negativity that are currently surrounding me.  I have to give everything a go right?  If not and I allow this to swamp me I'll fall into the hole again and that isn't what I want, it has taken me almost 9 months to really get out of it, no matter what I said back in April/May when I turned the corner, or at any point since I think until now I hadn't planted myself down as such.

So what has happened?  One comment, by a person has flipped the switch as such, and the crazy notion of it all, is that the comment was ultra positive and was meant to please me, which in an odd way it did.  However the consequences of that comment have been far more wide reaching and once again self doubt, self loathing and general self pity have been creeping into my head ever since.  This was reinforced on Tuesday when a menial every day task ended in me being quite shocked, quite upset and fearful.  The self doubts ran rather than crept, the loathing jumped from the basement up to the top floor and the self pitying had a party as I reclused myself in my flat with the exception of one essential trip to the hospital for phsyio.  

What am I going to do about it?  I mean over the next few weeks it's going to be the same, near enough every week and that;'s going to be tough to beat, I don't know if or how I'm going to deal with it, other than to become an early week recluse, but is that really the answer?  No, I want to be out and about, I've stress to often in here that I'm a sociable person, who likes the company of others and to be able to communicate beyond that of my keyboard and computer.  If I can sort my answer out quickly I may avert a disaster, and avoid another drepressive period, which wouldn't be helped by the fact Christmas is coming up.  Yes, that old chestnut Christmas.  Again previous entries have stated my dislike for this period, the false hood of friendships and family are exposed by words in cards and gifts sent, which are supposed to show how much people care about each other.  When in reality they don't care, they hate and dispise you, but it's Christmas and we grit our teeths to show a united happy front to the world.  

I could do without Christmas and a depressive state meeting up, so how to do that?  Try not to self pity, loath and doubt myself.  Refrain from negative thoughts about things that have happened move on, and don't try and think about the consequences of other people's actions.  That's easy enough to write, that's easy enough to say, and I've said it to myself today already, and here I am writing this.  I'm going to go for a walk this morning once my hair dries, and during that walk I'm going to not think negatively, to be positive and enjoy what looks like a beautiful day outside.  Go about my business with a smile and think silly things, as I did yesterday.  How one can look at a picture and ask where's wally and then link that to the old tv show The Adventure Game I'm not quite sure but I did, and that was not only odd and silly, but also a stark reminder of perhaps days gone by when yes everything wasn't quite right, but I was quite far away from the fragile fine line that borders the sane and insane, the happy and sad. 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Fine Line

After finishing last nights post I made comment on someone's facebook page, about being sensible, to which I was rebuked (rightly or wrongly I don't care).  This sparked a jovial few comments and one final one from myself, which has given me something to think about.  Whilst something along the lines of the post I made in here, I've sort of played with this discussion but not indepth, so I'll attempt to in here as it could go on a while.

Before that though, I ended up going out to the shops last night and picking up a few things before the supermarket shut.  Now this included a "hot and spicy stir fry".  I got home eager to cook this and the steak that I'd picked up cheaply.  I know it's sort of cheating, but I didn't get in till past 8.30pm, so it was something quick and easy to cook.  I looked on the back for an idea of how long to cook for so I'd hit that and the steak finishing at the same time.  I followed the instructions, well almost, it said to open the chilli and place into the stir fry.  I looked, and searched and found no sachet with chilli sauce or anything remotely like chilli in.  So after faffing around for 3 or 4 minutes I quickly made a mustard chilli sauce myself and threw that over the stir fry to add some flavour to it.  I knew the stir fry was marked down, I was thinking perhaps because it had no chilli sachet in, instead of checking the dates etc.  Once all cooked I put the steak and stir fry on my plate and started to eat, I've made better sauces than this one and whilst the stir fry was Ok, I'd mark the overall score as 5 out of 10, the steak was perfect though a big 10.  Half way through the stir fry though I spotted something, not a melted sachet packet, no I wasn't that stupid I'd have smelt that, but a nice red chilli.  I wish I'd read the packaging properly, I'd just seen open chilli and place into stir fry, rather than slice and dice it.  

That made me chuckle at my own stupidity, and needed to be said.  I may claim to be able to cook and be able to enjoy some nice little meals now and again, but if one doesn't take note of instructions one ends up with egg on the face.  Bringing myself back to the the main topic though the previous paragraph suggests a fine line between perfection and disaster, and that's where this entry is about to go.  The fine line that can split everything in two, from positive to negative.  

Sanity and Insanity or Depressed and Happy, or good and bad, there is a fine line between them both and I think I've walked that line so many times that I know them like family.  Last night after making the final comment on a friends facebook post, I realised that whilst I feel close to the edge, as I sort of explained last night, that I was also looking back at where I'd been and how far over the edge I'd been.  That sort of scared me, but what also scares me is where I am now.  I think it's been so long since I've been on land" and on the good side of the edge that I'm not familiar with it, I don't know if I'm comfortable with it.  I don't understand what it feels like.  Yet, in the midst of this I know it's good, I know it's healthy, but I was almost wanting to turn myself around and take a flying leap back to where I'd come from.  

Why though would anyone want to be that depressed again?  Why would I want to torture myself again like that?  The answer is I don't, I obviously stopped myself, but it's a fine line between going and doing and stopping where I am.  Is the unfamiliarity of safety and happiness or what ever you want to call it that bad?  Maybe it's the lack of having to fight anything and everything to get to where I am which bothers me, maybe I want to fight, I want to have to do something which I enjoy, but can I not do that when happy and content?  I guess the first sign of confussion about this came on Wednesday, when I was hearing positive things said about me, but knowing in the same words lay cutting comments aimed to reprimand me.  I know that small praise is good, but I guess I don't do that well.  It's strange isn't it?  I'm strange ain't I?  

Please understand that whilst I'm exploring myself in this post, like I can do in my darkest and worse hours, this is me exploring in realtive calm, nearly content and happy.  I'm not down, I'm not throwing myself into an abyss, There was a point a month or three ago when I had considered some really odd things which should have been concluded by now, but times have changed, I've moved on and my mood is better.  I'm pleased I'm here and pleased I can explore like this, but it's very perculiar to be able to do so and also to have to when I assess where I am with myself right now.

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Opposite Edge

The whoosh of the wind, the thud of the rain and the warmth of the sun just three elements I've not seen or heard today in Salford today.  Though one thing is for sure I don't know the weather..This past week I've noticed how much colder it's been getting in my flat, so much so at the start of the week I got the hot water bottles out.  It wasn't until Monday when I remembered that it might not be the best idea to do that, knowing what I'm like with them and what damage they can do to me.  Thankfully no damage was done, and life goes on.  However, I've been wearing jumpers or long sleeves inside most of the week to keep my arms warm, as they do appear to be getting cold rather quickly and more noticable for some reason.  The strange thing is, that on going out of my flat I can't say that I've actually felt the cold this past week, it's been rather mild.  Today it's been t-shirt all day, no jumper on at all, it's been rather mild inside, though on going out this afternoon, I was bloody perished.  So why it's getting warmer inside when it's getting colder outside I don't know as I've not even had any heating on since March.  

So insignificant, the above is, but that's life!  Full of the mundane, odd little tweaks here and there.  I sit now thinking of something to eat, trying to push back when I start to make something, so that I'm not going to feel hungry later, and also contemplating going and getting something for tea rather than making.  I'd be on soup and pasta if I make and whilst I know I'll enjoy it, it's just not jumping up and down with me right now.  So I don't know, what I'll do, but whatever I will eat, I'm not not going to eat.  I'm not that stupid (I am, but not tonight), I know I need to eat, it would be dangerous for me not to.

It's Friday alreay and this week has flown by in a blur and I mean that, it hardly seems like 7 days, am I glad about that?  I don't know, perhaps I am, but maybe because I've not been worrying to much about boredom or anything else is why it seems to have been like a rocket ship.  I have been busyish, with a trip to Leigh (as is the norm now) and a meeting last night which went well.  So I guess things have broken the norm as such of my week and that's been helpful.  I'm half considering trying to phone a friend, but I know that she won't answer, she'll be tired, busy or out, so it's hardly worth the call.  I'm not sure I've got lots to say, but I just feel that a real conversation would be nice tonight.  I've been like this for a week or two now, in need of a real conversation, but as each day goes by the need gets stronger, but the amount of material seems less, and the importance of that is now next to nothing.  So why do I still yearn for such a thing?  

Now for the strange part to this blog, and it is really strange.  I feel on edge, right on it.  I know I'm safe, but I'm actually pushing back to safety rather than wanting to go over.  I don't even know why I'm feeling like this, as everything is 100%, so something has put me where I am, or perhaps I'm just seeing land for the first time in a long long time and not really understanding what it's all about.  It's confusing and fun all at the same time, and possibly the most perculiar thing about this, is that it's more positive than negative, hmm when did that happen?  Has it happened?  Time will only tell, so I'm going to try and enjoy this period, and figure out what the hell I'm having for tea.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Curiosity ...

As it's Monday, and gone beyond 18.30, it must be time for Radio 4, and the comedy half hour.  Tonight is the final episode of the current series of the Museum of Curiosity, which I've only found over the past 5 or 6 weeks.  I've got to say this is a very quaint series, which whilst being informative is also very funny.  I wish I'd found this series a few years back, as this is the forth season by all accounts.  

So why post? Well to be honest today has been rather positive as I've had a visit to the dentist and everything was very good.  In fact I was quite shocked as I thought I was just seeing the hygienist but no it was the dentist as well.  It wasn't that bad or scary either, and that is something.  I'm feeling rather positive right now, in fact I'm feeling rather chipper.  I wish I could write something really funny, but I can't right now nothing springs to mind. 

Just going back to the first paragraph, may I recommend anyone able to go listen to the said programme on iplayer, the Admirl on it is very funny considering he's one important person.  I dread to think how the Navy survived considering the tales he's been telling.  It could only be the British Navy.  

 When I'm in moods like this I often find it hard to write or at least to be natural, but perhaps practise makes perfect, so if this sounds forced I'm sorry.  I've done not a lot today, apart from the dentist, though I have sent off 3 job applications and 8 ticket applications for shows at the BBC.  I wonder how many I'll get a response from.  I'm betting it's going to be zero, but hey ho if I don't try, what hope of obtaining do I have?  I do hope I get something back from the BBC, as I've applied for quite a few things of late and heard nothing, It's not that I don't understand that spaces are limited, but just one bit of luck would be nice and of course the chance to get out and do something different for a change.  Such is life though, one thing I will have to do soon and perhaps I should do tomorrow I guess is try and find when I last had my bloods tested, and see if I need to get them done soon.  It's normally every 3 months, so I think I may be due something soon.  Which will also mean that I can get my weight checked properly, I was told today that I looked as if I'd lost weight again, though I'm not 100% sure I have, but we'll see.  If I have I'll be happy of course.  

Life goes on, and so I will close this post, I'll go and watch "Have I got A bit More News for You", and come back on line to see if I've upset a few people with a post in a forum.  I know I will have, or my post will have sparked some reaction, and it won't be a positive one to myself, but hey that's my view, I'm actually quite happy with my views on that topic.  Others may or may not like it, but I don't care, it's mine and I'm sticking by it and that's important. 

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Aim, Target, Write...

Oh well, here we are in November, the clocks have gone back and it's getting dark by 5 O'Clock, winter is upon us.  So this is the first post this month and really I should try and get up to 500 posts by the end of the calendar year.  This year has already been one of the most productive in this blog.  Mainly due to the horrible spring that I had this year.  

So where do I find myself today or should that be tonight?  Well it's a funny place to be honest and one I've been in since probably Wednesday last week.  I think I want to talk to someone, communicate with someone about anything really.  I'm not feeling terribly lonely, but I just wish to engage with the outside world.  It isn't much to ask really is it?  Well perhaps it is, when I consider who I am, what I have done and how I've been, but hey what I've done and how I've been help define who I am, and that whilst I'd like to think was a good person, is open to debate by others.

I think one of my issues is that I've got nothing to do tonight, I've caught up with all the tv shows that I've been watching, I've not got any films that I want to watch, well that's not true, I have got films I want to watch, but the dvd's are with my niece, and well that's a tale for the next paragraph.

We were, well no I had spoke to her yesterday wondering if she wanted to go to see a local firework display as it was bonfire night, and she was up for it.  We've not done anything together since we went to see Harry Potter 7 part 2 or what ever.  So it would have been nice to go up, let her go on the fair if she had so wanted and watched the fireworks and come home.  She texted me in the afternoon,though to tell me her dad had decided to tell her then they were going to a neighbours house instead and she couldn't come.  Well I sort of expected that, but it was so late that it hurt.  So I stopped in instead and caught up on one or two things.  I know they (my sister and bro-in-law) don't like me, I know they don't like me talking to my niece, but they won't stop me as much as they try.  

That was then, I'm over it, but what to do tonight?  Well apart from write this I don't know.  I was hoping to watch something, but as I can't find where it is to watch then I'll have to wait till later in the week.  Not that I'm to bothered, but with Monday and Tuesday's being the busy days for watching tv, I'd be happier for one less show to watch.  Mind you I've added a show to Monday today, so I shouldn't moan too much when I'm still finding shows to watch.  I'll leave it here, I'm not sure what will happen, perhaps I'll find a film to watch, it's been a while since I watched Milk, or The Kids are Alright.  Maybe I'll go find a comedy to watch, I could do with something to chuckle at.  My goodness that's it, let's go find a chuckle brothers dvd to watch.  OK perhaps not.