Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Painting Pictures

Today is a blank bit of paper to which I'm trying to create a masterpiece, but as ever when one's mood is more positive than negative the thoughts of where to take this stifle. However, lets get on with this and lets see where I go.

So, last night I watched the United youth team win the FA Youth cup for the 10th time, which is a record. I guess that as I've got older and since I stopped going to games I've gone back to supporting the club rather than the team. It's all well and good us winning the league year in year out as it has been for the past 20 years now, but it's the health of the club that is important and that's in good health.

Now I had intended to go to Old Trafford last night, but due to City having a parade for there FA cup win, I got delayed in Leigh. The bus was over an hour late with the excuse being Manchester was so busy, yet from what I've heard and seen, it wasn't to bad, but no the transport system grinds to a halt... Heaven knows what next Monday will be like as United will be doing the same, and I guess that we'll see a few more than the 50,000 that City have claimed.

I've also written to my best friend today, I can't recall off the top of my head when I'd last done that, I think it was either the very start of last week or at the end of the previous week. However that's way to long and I feel guilty for not writing. I should do, but I allowed myself to be distracted by one thing or another. So I wrote today and you know what I feel better for doing so. So what if it was short, it was concise, and that is good enough. Now I wait for a reply, I hope she's OK as she's due to do a parachute jump this weekend, but what with the ash cloud heading our way I think she may be worried.

I have also finished the book I was reading, which I've really enjoyed reading, even if it was a bit of a struggle to get through. This was basically a book about a families history, which has followed the history of England since around 1000, which is an incredible amount of time. I have mentioned before how I like history, but whilst this book was well written and enjoyable, I did find it tough to get through, so it's made me happier than I think I would be to have finished it. So I'm going to give myself a break of a week or two before deciding what book to pick up and read next. I need some time to recharge the mind.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Reflection Time

It's quiet, oh so quiet the birds aren't singing, a breeze is up, but not enough to blow the trees to make a noise. I've been out and about and I'm looking forward to tonight, but now I need a little pick me up. It's not that I'm down as such, far from it. I've been vindicated again in my knowledge and I'm happy with that and I've just remembered something else as well.

No, I've just sat through a movie which whilst not being a true "weepy", was hard watching, but was very beautiful in it's own way. I only watched it because I'd seen Lauren Ambrose was in it, and I adore her. However, apart from her Lisa Kudrow and Natalie Portman was in the film and it was Natalie Portman that stole the show, mind you she was the star of the film. It was just so wonderful, that I'm feeling a little sad, empathic towards the character. So if anyone ever gets chance to sit through "The Other Woman" do so, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Apart from that nothing is wrong, everything is fine. I guess I should pop my music on, or I could sit down and watch a few other things before watching Dr Who later on, and of course eating. Then the night is mine to wander the internet, watch some dvds or something. Life may not be peachy, it may not be rosey, but it will do and with that I'm happy. This bit of peace that I have enjoyed after the film is discipating, the trees can be heard the odd bird is calling and I'm about to watch something or pop my music back on. Reflection time over and now back with a smile and forward we go.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Weekend appointments.

All right, lets go writing, everything is going well, I'm still cheerful, I'm not letting anything get me down, so this is the recovery that I had talked about, the one I'd hoped for and I'm glad it came. I'll be honest, I may talk about not being bothered if I live or die, but I do think we all have that within us at some point or other, and that some of us have it more than others.

Anyway, what's new? Well I've just got an hospital appointment today so I can have the nerves in my arm seen to. However, this is where things get a bit crazy. I've never had an appointment at any medical facility on a Saturday. Yes, I've been into A&E, and have spent weekends in hospital before now, but I've never had an appointment. That's the first bit of crazy the second one is that it sounds like these tests are going to be in a mobile unit situated on a car park!! That isn't sounding great, but then I've got to get up to Bolton for 10am as well. I am not too impressed by that, but I'm going to have to live with it. Yes, if I had my car, yes if I had any money to run said car it wouldn't be too bad, in fact it would be a matter of a 15 or 20 minute trip up and back.

However to add to all of this it's going to be on a Saturday when I'm supposed to be in Manchester at Trec..... Oh the joys of life! I'll find a way to get to both events, I'm clever like that, but it's going to be a bit of a push, but that's what life is about isn't it? Pushing yourself to limits? I know I'll be desperate to get to Trec as quickly as possible, but right now I don't know what the program is and nor is there any real reason as to why I should rush, it's unlikely that I'd get into the building before any of the first sessions start, so I'm going miss them no matter what. Yet, come that Saturday, those of you who know where my facebook page is, will find posts saying how unhappy about the bus or/and train journey I'm taking to get back is taking time wise etc.

What else is new? Well not a lot to be honest, I spoke with my niece last night all be it on facebook for the first time in ages. I didn't even know she's joined or has formed a band, which is really cool, she's not even 15, but she's already said that they'll be doing some recording next month. I'm looking forward to hearing the output from them. I know it isn't going to be the greatest thing I've heard, but it will be good to hear what they are doing and how well she plays the guitar on the songs. Me I'm just taking each day as it comes. I would love to be having a BBQ today, I've not had one for ages, and even if near enough everyone does the same thing on them, i.e. burgers and sausages it's still nice every now and again and something that would be nice.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I am who I am.

Here I am again, not 100% sure of what my feelings are tonight. Whilst being happy, I'm also a little melacholny and also a bit angry at things. I want to cry, I want to laugh, I want to scream and shout, but then I stop, I take a breath and realise that none of these things will help me, as I'm not upset enough to cry, I'm not angry enough scream and shout and nothing is making me laugh.

So what do I do? I sit here and I type, I type away trying to explain the mixture of emotions and trying to figure out why I feel the way I do and yet am the way I am. I guess that would only be a repeat of many a post for some and for me as well, diverting around the topic, or creating new images and new answers to delude myself with. I guess this is who I am, I can't change that, and no matter how much I want or try it always repeats itself.

That's quite a bit of work in here dismissed, but I guess that when I study myself, my moods and my emotions, I possibly delude myself into thinking that I can work on the stuff that I find, and have written about and I do indeed do that work. I can't always say that it works out 100%, if it did would the recent bout of depression have taken place? No it wouldn't and so I have to accept that I am who I am. I can change things on the surface, I can change things just below the surface, and I can attack the core, but if I changed to much I might become and totally different person and that person may lose friends, and whilst I've lost friends in the past and I guess that's part of the reason why I'm feeling sad, I wouldn't want to lose all my friends, because I've changed too much.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

The impossible Dream

The ability to write long and profound posts in here diminishes with the strength of my moods. If I'm on a level ground I find it hard to write anything constructive, however if I'm positive or negative as has been the case over the past month or so it's really easy. That I guess leads to less writing which as I've stated time and time again is helpful to myself. So this is me trying to force myself to write.

I've finally caught up with all the tv shows I watch and feel happier for doing so. I'm not a huge tv fan, but I do watch certain shows and have missed them whilst being off line. It's always fun to be able to watch them in big clumps, but it's also a hassle as it takes so much time. Still it's done and now I have time to kill as such. That's prompted me to come here and write.

Life must be good as this isn't flowing out of me and I'm trying to say something, what that something is I'm not sure, but I do want to say something. Maybe I should look at other aspects of my life to see if that will tell me something? I'm currently going through a spell of listening to lots of 80's music, which might suggest that I'm trying re-kindle my childhood some how, but I'm not sure about that. I just know that I've rediscovered some music and am enjoying it. It's not even cheesey which I would normally consign my 80's likes to. So that's slightly strange, so perhaps I've been knocked off kilter by the down I've been on. Maybe my recovery isn't along the same road I usually follow, perhaps I'm on a different one all together which would be an experience. I don't even know if I could consider that this road runs next to the ones I ususally take, this one seems unique if I go by the music I'm using to cheer me up.

I didn't think I could get that much from the music I'm listening to, but then again I didn't think I'd get this much out full stop. Of course that could worry me, by suggesting that I've got more to say than I may have imagined, but not really I'm waffling and that's a positive. Well it's a positive as my mind is thinking clearly, though not effectivly, well not as well as normal, what ever that is.

Going back to the 80's what a reasonable decade that was, whilst many would like to consign it to history, I actually think it wasn't as bad as some make it out to be. Yes, in the 30 years since (I'm shocked it's that long ago), the world has altered beyond recognition, back in 1980 computers weren't common, in fact very rare to be honest, and life was so different. I don't think I could have imagined the world to be where we are today. Saying that though I was what? 9 in 1980, and how many 9 years olds has imagination to see this far in the future, all I can recall of imagining of the future then, was what I'd be doing during the next school holidays. I would love to go back and reshape myself, but were I to do that, I doubt this blog would look like this and I doubt I'd be in the situation I am now, but that is just guess work and whilst it would be "positive", it's only me trying to make things perfect, and we all know that peferction is impossible to achieve.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011


The fine weather is continuing in the North West of England by the looks of this morning. It's been an excellent couple of weeks, probably the best we'll get this year, but it's coincided with my good mood, so I'm going to remain positive that today is going to be another good day.

I've already been out for a walk, which wasn't planned nothing should be planned for 5am, but hey it was a wonderful walk in the fresh air and the early morning glow that surrounds us. The smells, the sounds all seem to be different early in the morning, maybe it's because the rest of the world hasn't woken up, the cars haven't poisoned the air, the birds can be heard and it just feels like it's all how it should be. I do love the world at that time in the morning.

So I'm back home, after a weekend away, and it was a nice break from the norm, even if it was in Liverpool. I know I seem to comment on that place a bit if I do go there, but hey ho, I have friends over there and I enjoy the company. Last Thursday saw me return to Wrexham for the first time in years, and the place never changes, seriously the shops may alter, but the way the place looks and feels doesn't. It felt almost the same as it did back in 1994 to 96, but this time whilst I may have been recovering from a depression, the reasons behind that were different, the way I looked at Wrexham this time was different and whist back then I was just existing, now I could enjoy my time there, if I were to return.

However, that's all hyperthetical and isn't likely to happen. So why look back at a time which was both good and bad for all the same reasons? Why look at a dark point in my life, when I'm trying to recover from another? I know what went wrong in Wrexham the first time, I know why I it didn't work out and things have been dealt with. Taking a trip back now is different and the situation is different, that the issues then have little or no concern. It's time to look forward, time to enjoy the present and effect my future rather than dwelling on the past.