Thursday, June 30, 2011


Here I am again, sitting down to write another entry. This time unlike previous times has a theme, it has a begining and isn't just another set of idea's from which to spawn the post from. Well that isn't exactly true. I've just had a shower, I'm feeling good and ready to enjoy the the day. Prior to the shower, which I'd been putting off all morning I knew I wanted and needed to write something in here. I should or perhaps should have done so last night, however I didn't and so this is the entry that wasn't, but is.

I'll start with what I've prepared and then it will off shoot and I'll free write, but some of this is planned. As I said before my shower I wanted to write, but as I sat on the toilet, trying to understand what sort of mood I was in, I struck upon the title of the blog. I knew what I wanted to write about, and I knew or thought I had to write it before going in the shower. I was wrong I've held the train of thought, inpart to putting the title in before the shower to remind me, but also due to me writing this entrance into the blog in my head in the shower. So yes this ramble is the planned part, what follows will mainly be me writing out loud.

Last night I was feeling rather melancholy, I don't know why, and I can't really explain what the mood was, it wasn't high, it wasn't low but I just didn't feel 100%. I wanted to talk to someone, but whom could I do so, and I didn't feel like writing either I wanted a chat, it probably would have ended up talking via instant messaging or via email etc, but I would have prefered a chat over the phone or perhaps face to face. I know that I've come off the AD's and perhaps I wasn't ready for that, but I feel I am. I'm not sure though after last night and I'm quite happy to observe myself over the up coming weekend before deciding if indeed I need to return to my doctors for another prescription.

So the scene is set, and as previously stated I was on the toilet thinking about what I was going to say, when the title struck me. How that came about was quite simple I was thinking of what text colour I should use for this post. I thought blue at first, but then thinking about it, I declined that, as blue is associated with miserable, down and whilst I'm not 300% happy, I'm not in the jaws of despair. I thought red, as that's often seen as the polar opposite of blue, but that's associated with anger and I'm not angry. So what colour would I use? That's where the title came from.

I was contemplating what colour my mood was in, and why certain colours are associated with moods. I've talked about light and dark recently another analogy of ones personal emotions, and again I'm puzzled as to why that is. I could and perhaps should do some research into it, it would kill some time and perhaps make an interesting change to the normal routine. However, I'm sure that others have done the work, and I should read up, it is a strange area though, and that's got me thinking into the many analogies that we use to describe our emotions, I know I've used lots over the years, and that's crazy. Why can't we describe our emotions simply? Why can't we as a race have defined terms or should I say why don't we have defined terms? I guess it's the complexities of life?

Thus I remain in a mini flux unsure of what state I'm in, though perhaps too much evaluation may be leading me down a spiral I shoudlnt want to go on. Talking of spirals and this is totally left field, I posted a video on facebook yesterday of the theme tune to Jamie and the Magic torch. Perhaps I should try and find some editions of that and watch it, that would certainly freak me out a bit and may well free me up to feel different to that what I am now. Who knows? However that thought came about because of the helter skeltor that Jamie travels down to the magic land with wordsworth his dog. What state of mind I'm in is a really odd question, if I'm wanting to watch an episode or two of a childrens tv show from the very late 1970's. It could be worse I could be wanting that, followed by Chorlton and the Wheelies and The Banana Splits. What were the people that thought of these shows on?? I'd like some of it what ever it was!!! Oh now the train of thought has come the full circle, I was going to leave this at the end of the previous sentence, but thought about leaving on a question as to what colour should I use, which circled onto a segment from another kids tv show, to which I've got a DVD of, Bod. With the animal orchestra, trying to guess what flavour milkshake the frog conductor would ask for at the end of the show..

Now that has put a smile on my face, I can link something out of nothing, and something that is so out of the box in terms of where I started, I certainly think I'm not down, I'm more up than down, but it's a strange place to be, that I'm sure those that know me have seen before, and I wonder if that's a good place or a bad place for me to be? I'm sure some have different opinions to others.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Simple it's not

Should I be worried that I'm typing a second entry into this blog for the second day in a row? No, why should I be? I've done it before when things have been OK, so let's leave it at that.

I was just a bit bored that's all, it was time to do something different, and write an entry in here seemed to be the right thing to do. So I'd not even thought about not taking a AD this morning, and to be honest I don't think it's really effected me. Though of course the headache that I've had for the best part of the day hasn't gone and whilst the two are not connected, under more paranoid times I'd be claiming otherwise. No I think the answer to the headache is to take pain killers, but I don't have any and I can't be bothered to go and buy some either. So I'll drink plenty of water to rehydrate myself, though I haven't exactly dehydrated myself over the past day or so. So reason for the headache? I don't know, I don't care it's not something to be looking into really, it's all everyday stuff, though it's inconvienient.

Today has been a wonderful day in many ways, I've sat and read people posing in a forum, trying to justify or trying to make sense of some rankings that have come out today. It's always great standing back and watching people suggest or say something that really doesn't need to be said, or doesn't make sense. What is amusing is that whilst I can agree with some of the crazier stuff being said in the forum about this, I'm also opposed to some of the same stuff that I agree with. That's just plain crazy I know, but the fact is that whilst I understand how the rankings have been compiled, and how that through that understanding I can accept what the rankings suggest, it doesn't mean to say that I actually think they are correct. However I did light the fire in the forum by writing something that I knew would inflame the debate, as well as a link to another set of rankings which would add more fuel to the fire. LOL, that was a bit nasty of me, but hell it was fun.

That I guess is what it's all about fun, if I can't have fun in what ever shape or form, then life becomes difficult. I recently wrote as a facebook status, that I've seen the dark, I've seen the light, and you need both to exist. It was something along those effects and it's true. Fun is always the light side, though of course you can have dark humour! Oh I'm not going to go down that road, the light and dark is bad enough I think. Self exploration has taken place often this year, and whilst over the past month or so I've stopped looking at myself as much, as I've calmed down and started to sort my head out, it doesn't stop me from exploring myself now that I'm light. I guess that I'm never going to really be able to explain myself to anyone, not that I would want anyone to really know me, no I take that back, I mean I don't want too many people really knowing me. I think that would scare me no end. I am who I am, I have real dark periods and real light periods, though I'm starting to think that my light periods or the "good" times don't last as long as the dark, nor do they share the same intensity.

Now that is something that I really do wonder about, why do my moods drop deeper than they climb the opposite way? Why am I looking at it like that right now? I mean I'm sure in previous posts I've explained it like climbing to the top of a roller coaster and then falling off or something of similar ilk. So I've got climb, and I've got to climb higher to generate the speed to drop further as that's physics 101. However it doesn't add up. Maybe, if you recall when I proclaimed that first day that I knew things had changed, after the walk, that I was as high as kite, that I'd shot up from the depths to the top. Maybe because of that, that's why right now I'm thinking the way I am. I mean that instead of just getting to a medium place, one of comfort and one to build a platform from, I went straight to the top and I was expecting to stay at the top for as long as I'd been down at the bottom. It isn't that simple is it!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Second Thoughts

I thought I'd have written more this month, and had intended to, but obviously my output has been slow and so my mood must have been good. I've had nothing to let go with. However, today I realised that I'd no anti-depressants left after the one I took this morning. I knew I had a meeting at 10am, and that the estate agents were due around for an annual flat inspection between 10.30 and 14.30. So I didn't want to miss them, so I haven't been to my doctors to put in a prescription for any more AD's.

It's with some reserve that I sit here writing this entry, I think after more than 3 months on the AD's and the situation that I was in has passed, I'm going to see if I can live without them. Of course I could go and get a new prescription and I did say that I'd give them around 6 months when I went back on them. However, I feel brave, I feel good and want to see where I'm at. Of course I'm having second thoughts about it, I don't want to fall back into the hell hole that I was in back in February and March of this year. I can just about claim to be coming out of the issues that period forged for me. Yet, I feel well enough to press ahead with this idea, and this place may not be visited as often as it has been.

To say that this place hasn't helped is an understatement, as without the help of my friends, whom have been mentioned on numerous occasions, whom have been thanked more times than I've had hot dinners, the support of other people and this place I woudln't be around for sure. Having a place to express my feelings, to have a place where I had to think about how to express them, which meant that I couldn't hurt anyone by aiming anything at them, helped me so much. Whilst the content is dwelling in me as it is right now, the need to write, the need to express myself is weak, but the occasions I do write I do so out of compulsion almost. A need to convey my feelings to one and all, when perhaps I should be telling an individual something.

I guess that this place is like a secret room for me, to tell the world how I feel, what I want and why. A place where I can be free to say things that I couldn't say face to face or where I won't offend anyone, hurt anyone or try not to favour one person more than others. I hate turning to the same people over and over, occasionally I like to write out loud to let the world to know. This place is that vehicle for me, and so it helps. We'll see over the next few weeks or so, if I need to revisit my notion that I don't need the AD's right now, and I may need to use this place frequently again to rid myself of anything that's troubling me, but the stats will show me what I need to know, the things I write will show me what I need to know. Perhaps I'll listen sooner the next time.

Thursday, June 16, 2011


Another day, another time to write! I was going to dollar, but I thought better of it. The sun is out, I've just put some music on and I'm feeling quite cheerful. I know my eyes are a little sore, but that's the dry skin on the eye lids, but apart from that all is well. I'm going to finish this post and then phone the doctors to see if the results of the tests I had last Saturday are in and if they can give them to me or if I have to make an appointment to go and see the doctor over them. Whilst I type my arm is actually starting to ache, which is unusual, but hey ho, I can cope with that.

Yesterday I went off the beaten track with my post, well just to compound that, I came up with something later that was equally as odd, and I over heard something as well, which sits in the stupid category. Whilst talking to my friend Pete, he owns the ice cream van that comes around the area, I over heard a young lad quite happily tell him whilst ordering some bubble gum ice cream with is bright blue, that earlier in the morning he'd had a blue poo. I've never heard anything of the sort in my life, blue poo?? Then for some unknown reason as I carried on talking to Pete, I decided that perhaps I should suggest he try making a new flavour of ice cream. I'm glad I stopped myself, as the thought of Salt and Vinegar ice cream isn't worth thinking about is it. I'm just going to have to come up with something different.

So today I've been quite sensible, no crazy thoughts, no reason to wonder about realities. It's been me looking for work and trying to find out new bits of information. I should say I watched a nice tv show on BBC iPlayer last night from BBC Wales. That's the third new show that I've found from BBC Wales over the past couple of weeks. They are churning out some quality, though I would say the same occasionally for Scotland and NI. Still apart from that not a lot has taken place today. I guess I should follow up the show that I watched last night, which talked about Henry Tudor, and the house he lived in Anglesey. It seems strange that the house of Lancaster, should essentially be born out of North Wales and not Lancashire, but hey who cares, it's a matter of history and lets be honest the Lancastrians that won the War of the Roses, were not all from the said county, they were from around the country and supported one claiment to the English throne, who if truth be known had little or no claim what so ever, however he did claim it and the rest is history. It's his rise through the ranks that perhaps I should do some more research into, but it can perhaps wait a bit longer, as I'm sure that I can find something else to do before I get to that bit of work.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Outlandish Realities....

As I've just posted a comment on a forum about a television show that I've watched from last night, I started to think. Now me and thinking we know can go to strange places, and yet again I did. I finished the post and set about doing something else, whilst contemplating the thought I'd had.

The thought itself is simple enough, but if you combine some of the sci-fi tv shows that we in the UK have, and I'm sure that in the US and every other country around there is a chance of having there own sci-fi shows that don't get watched outisde of the host nation much what have the UK got that the US and the world hasn't? Well for one we have a time lord that, saves the country, world and everything else, 9 times out of 10 in the UK. Strange that he rarely goes any where else or that ailens invading this world always seem to attack the UK. In this same universe the UK has it's own secret ailen combat team, that again saves the world and everything in it. However they seem to save it out of Cardiff, and sometimes London. Though it does seem that we've now let the rest of the world know about it, though it is strictly British and no other country has a similar unit.

The UK again has found things called anomilies, that allows people, technology and creatures from other time zones to walk around the world posing as threats. However, as with previously we find that these are restricted to England and 90% of the time around London and the South East of England. Why these anomilies haven't popped up around the world, why we the UK hasn't told anywone about them, that we've got a top secret team of scientists and military agents working out what they mean, and capturing dinosaurs, insects and future predators that would kill everything on the planet right now I don't know. How a Sabre Tooth tiger at a theme park, or a well known tv animal expert being ate by a dino hasn't become world wide knowledge I don't know.

The power of the government to keep these things in this outlandish reality is beyond what we the public see. I for one don't think that any government could become as powerful as to keep the above secret. Only in TV land I guess. Now that I've go beyond my normal level of WTF am I going on about and why? I might as well settle back and get today over with. Not a lot to go on, but I've got enough to do to keep me busy.

Yesterday I really did enjoy chilling out, listening to music, trying to get something to work, which didn't, but that didn't bother me. I just sat back and and went back to my music. At the end of the day I decided to put a DVD on, of a concert to jack up the sound and party, a rock or indie concert, the rock won and whilst I'm sure one or two of my neighbours were not impressed I don't care. I enjoyed myself, and that's what matters, too many times I've not.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Annual Relaxation

The sun is out, the sky is a crisp blue, the birds are chirping and the odd rumble of a car can be heard, and yet I'm in the middle of Salford and not some where in the country. Today is going to be a lazy day, I don't feel up to doing much at all, I'm struggling to motivate myself to do anything let alone something. So I thought I'd write in here, in the hope that it might spur me onto an activity or at least something meaningful.

Why I put the later down I don't know, everything is meaningful, just some things are more so than others I guess. The weekend passed with few problems, Saturday was busy, as I had the medical appointment in Bolton and then Trec. The medical appointment consisted of electric shock treatment to check my nerves in my arm, though I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest they'll find nothing wrong with them. I won't get the results back till around Friday, so I'm going to have to wait for confirmation, but hey ho let's wait and see. Trec was rather quiet, but none the less interesting and once I got home and had my tea, I watched a couple of tv shows before I went to bed quite early for me on a Saturday at 10.30pm.

I must have been tired as I slept very well on Saturday and woke up only once really at around 3am, before finally waking up at 7.40am, which is very late for myself. It was one of those nights where I caught up with any sleep that I've lost over the past few months, and it felt good to have done so. Sunday was spent relaxing really, I had no real reason to rush around and as the weather was poor I didn't want to venture out too much. So I watched some more tv shows I'd not watched for years. It may sound dull and boring, but it at least makes for a nice relaxing day occasionally.

Yesterday was much busier, with trips to Leigh and then Levenshulme to go swimming. It was nice to get out and also exercise a little whilst chatting. It's not too often I get to do that, well apart from the monthly swim that's it really. So it was a really nice way to end a long weekend if you would like to call it that. However, as I got home very late, it was nearly midnight before I sat down to eat my tea, so that may have some connection as to why I want a lazy day. I've no where to go or anything to do, and a day of not rushing to catch a bus or train here there and everywhere though the norm, is refreshing after having two such days so close together.

Over the years, I've found it hard to be able to approach days like today, I guess the end of the first paragraph suggests there is still a struggle, but I'm finding it easier to detach myself as I grow older from trying to force myself to be busy and doing things and being able to sit and relax. Is that a life skill that everyone should have? Is it something everyone has? I don't know, but it's taken me this long to start to learn it. So No this entry hasn't focussed me into doing anything, no this hasn't kicked my backside into gear, I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the day and attack relaxation. One day a year everyone should do it, embrace it and enjoy it.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Unfashionable old.

Oh it's been a while, so perhaps that's a sign that things are good, which they are. Well I say good, they are better than they were back in March/April, though that couldn't be difficult considering the state I was in. I think it's safe to say that I'm back on a level playing field right now, I've come down from the high that I had after that walk at the end of April or whenever it was, and I'm sailing the good ship life on calm waters.

So why post? Well I think part of me has been wanting to do so, in an attempt to keep some sort of record as to where I am within myself. I know that I struggle to write here if I'm OK, and even if I've been a bit lazy of late as I've wanted to put something down for a few days I've just not done so. Today is really no different, just that I decided to do it rather than put it off till tomorrow.

Woooooo, oh the joys of being as old as I am.. Well OK it's no joy when I wish I was a hell of a lot younger, but over the past few weeks I've gone back in time to watch old TV shows and listen to some really old music, and by really old I mean the 1970's. Which is within my lifetime I know, but some of the music hasn't aged well, but I don't care, if I liked it then, there is a chance I'll like it now. I'm not ashamed to say that I've had a bit of a Carpenters revival, which is something I hadn't expected, but a real good show was on the BBC the other week, documenting the history of the group and I just had to sit down and listen again. However the start of this paragraph comes from the opening line fom the Karel Fialka song Hey Matthew, which charted in the late 1980's. It's just appeared as if by magic on my music player, and I had to put it into the blog. As for the tv shows, I've sat down and watched the complete series of Beauty and the Beast from the late 80's and apart from the obvious fashions, music etc it's some how managed to retain it's magic.

Now what else is happening? Well tomorrow I'm busy, with group in the afternoon after a medical appointment in the morning. I think I've mentioned this in the last post, but it's going to be an early start and although I wanted to use bus and trains, it seems that I can't as I can't buy a train/bus/tram ticket until after 9.30am, which is when I need to be in Bolton for my 10am appointment. I think it's slightly daft that I can't do that, but I'm guessing that it's down to the peak travel time thing that both the trains and tram operate. The buses use to do that as well, but I think they've stopped that now. So I'll see what happens, but at least I've remembered to check out my plans for the journey tomorrow, as I'd almost decided to take the train from Bolton after the appointment, however that needs to be revisited. Nothing else to report, no more news on the job front, I've heard nothing from no one, but I'm not going to let it get to me right now.