Monday, August 22, 2011


A very quick post here, I've got a job interview or should I say an informal chat about a job in about an hour from now. I'll be leaving in about 10 to 15 minutes to go and get the bus to take me to the interview and I should be there a good 15 minutes or so before the interview.

I'm not too nervous about this to be honest, I'm not frazzling myself over it, which is a surprise the only issue I have is that I've got a bit of a sore throat, but I'm taking measures over that. So I guess, I'm leaving very little unturned. I am going to give this a 110% go as I really want this post, whilst it may only be short term, it's a job and a foot back into the job market.

That's it for now, I may write some more when I get back in, but then I'm off out again tonight swimming, so I don't know. Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday. However, I will give anyone the outcome, once it arrives...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Busy, busy, busy!!!

It's not to warm, it's not to cold, the clouds are a mixture of grey and white but with plenty of blue behind them. Ordinary perhap? I guess you could describe it as that, it's an ordinary day in this part of the world.

It's that ordinariness that perhaps stiffles me to be quite honest, I've got no plans to do much. I fancy going for a walk, but a walk where to or how far I don't know. I just don't feel motivated. I'm a bit excited as I'm making sure that I go down to Salford Quays early on Saturday to do some open water swimming. It will be the first time I've done anything like that, though of course I did do some open water swimming a few years back up in Lancaster with Lauren and Leanne. Oh that was beautiful day, even if I did rip my foot open, but that was my own stupid fault. Still it was so much fun and the water wasn't that cold once you got in. So I'm looking forward to that this Saturday.

Next week is a busy one, which is good. I'm out swimming again on Monday this time with Marlin for the Pride Pool Party, I'm trying to think of someone to take along with me. I know who I had in mind, but I've not spoken to them for a while, so perhaps not. We'll wait and see, but that should be fun. Then I've an interview in Eccles next Tuesday, not a job interview unfortunatly. Then Thursday I've got blood tests in the morning, which hopefully will ease my fears over my health, though my luck suggests otherwise. Later on Thursday I am at a short film festival in Manchester, where I can possibly have a drink. As I probably won't drink between now and next Thursday. Saturday is then Pride in Manchester and the parade. I think I'll go and join the parade, but I'm not sure who for yet, either Unison or the Trans group. It would be my first actual parade to be a part of, but it's probably the only way I'll get to join in this year.

Wow it's busy next week which I suppose is good news, it gets me out of the flat, and it engages my mind. That's all positive and can only help me. I just wish other weeks were as engaging.

Sunday, August 14, 2011


You know I couldn't remember writing in here this month, and yet I'd last posted on the 4th. Does that mean that I've been so busy I've forgot about it or that I've had so little to do that trying to recall what I've done is hard? I don't know however, it does mean that I've posted something even if I've not read it before starting to write this entry.

Well things haven't changed that much of late, but while I look at where I am, I think I've progressed some how. I think and this is just me, I have caught my own fall down the hole that is depression, without having to use any medication to pull me back. I'm climbing back up, though it was only a small fall, I spotted it early and threw out a safety net. I think I've pushed people away from me again, which isn't nice, it isn't pleasing to hear, but what can I do?

That's something that bothers me, why do people feel that I'm pushing them away? I don't do that? I resort back to type I know, I become more proactive rather than thinking in what I say, and whilst I shoot from the hip, half the time I do so I do in jest. Now that's the way I am, when I'm stable, I think about what I'm going to say, yes it's shot from the hip, but there is some thought to it, and so why do people think that I'm pushing them away when I'm not thinking about it? Is it offensive? I don't think I am, am I defensive towards myself? I wouldn't say so in one respect. I do build walls up when I'm down, which I guess does isolate myself, but it's not external to myself, in that there is a wall around everyone, we all have them, just that when I'm down, I tend to build a second, inner wall to protect me from what ever is causing my issues. Which more often than not is loneliness. So building a second inner wall perpetuates the mood I'm in, so why do I do that? You know I don't know. Perhpas it's some sort of security blanket I don't know, but perhaps by putting extra barriers up, it looks like I'm pushing people away, when all I want is for them to clamber over and them to help me.

That's something to explore at a later date, I'm in a good mood right now, and whilst the pain of the last week of the problems in terms of public disorder in London, Manchester and Salford, is healing, The reasons as to why are in need to be explored by others. I'm sure the populus of the land and the world have there own thoughts and idea's as to why everything exploded, and I'm sure that when the official reports are published they'll probably claim that it wasn't political, as I'm sure the government will influence them, to avoid having to take any blame and further ailentate themselves from the voting public than they already have.

On a brighter note, the football season is upon us, United play there first game of the league season today, and so starts another 9 month season, which will be full of ups, down's and everything inbetween. It is remarkable how a game involving the kicking of a bag wind is so enthralling. I wish I knew why it was so popular, and take that and create my own sport and make my fortune promoting it..

Thursday, August 04, 2011


I've calmed down a lot since my rant earlier in the day, yes I still feel the same way about myself and my family, and yes things will have to change. However I've got another bug bear.

I guess that at times I like to leave cryptic messages and I do that lots in here, not so much else where, but right now someone has left me a cryptic message or should I say a message with a cryptic slant aimed right at me. Now OK, I shouldn't let it get to me, but it has. Why can't they get intouch with me? I know I'm not open for chat on facebook, but my phone takes text messages, my landline rings, so why not use that? Why not send an email? It's one of the things that drives me crackers, it's one of the things that sent me over the edge last week, and then I'm expected to drop everything on a cryptic message......

Well my stance has been made clear on here already, so I'm not going to repeat that, but from the upset and hurt of this afternoon, and pain that I felt, I'm almost angry, well I am, but it's not full blown anger. I don't know what it is, any more. Anyway, the fun part is that I can't respond to the message as I haven't got the thing that's mentioned in the message. So till I get that, and of course I've made it clear that I've got nothing to wear, I'm too ugly and don't want to leave the house.... Oh I'm sure going to be made welcome, well I doubt it, but really. I don't ask for much in my life, I never have and never will and yet I get dealt shit day in, day out, hour in, hour out. Oh the joys of being me. Anyone want to swap???

Ain't Doing Nothing

7 days on since I blew the fuse last week and how am I feeling? Well not good today, I'm better than I was and I've put the events of last week to bed almost. I've stuck to my plan of not putting anything on twitter and effectively going dark on it. I've made a few comments and shared a few pages, but that's about it.

However, today what's set me off today? Well it's one of the bug bears of my life, my appearance. I just can't accept the way I look, I'm horrible and nothing I do seems to make it better, I try to do things, change things, but it never works. I'm not in a big down mode, not in the sort of mode to do anything stupid, though I am weary right now that this is two Thursday's in a row where I've got myself down, and that's me being honest, in that I do think I've got myself into this position, it's only me, no one has said or done anything today. I've had no one leave me any messages on facebook or attempt to chat to me via that medium, or any other instant messaging service. I've had no text messages on the phone, the only people I've spoken to have been shop assistants this at 8am this morning when I went shopping.

I guess my mental picture doesn't match the one I've got physically and with being so isolated, so financially exposed I'm in a horrible position in terms of self perception. I've got nothing in my wardrobe that I like, I've got no shoes/trainers that I really like they are all practical items, but horrible and do nothing for me. My face, my height, my weight and anything else anyone can care to think of doesn't work. Since I've stopped working I've become even more of a recluse than I was before hand, but I think it's for the best. I can only joke about my looks for so long. I can't ever recall, anyone giving me praise over anything like that ever, that hurts.

It hurts to be alone, but I'm alone because of who I am and how I am, and so the confidence to change that comes from going out and making an effort, but even doing that doesn't work and I've no money to do so anyway. It's here that I am writing it's flowing from me, obviously I'm hurting and I need to put this out. It's also here that I'm slowly turning the screw upon myself and that by the time I finish this blog, I'll be considerably more depressed than when I started. Yes, it will do me good to get things out in the open, but it's going to hurt like hell. No matter how many AD's I take, or anything else for that matter changes how I feel about myself. I guess it never will. I sit down on the occasions I do go out and I'm jealous of so many people, who get away with it all, or are just happy with who they are, and how they look. Yet me, I'm screaming that I want to be that way, but have never had the chance to.

So thank you my so called biological family, I really don't care if you read this, you screwed my life to shit, and made it so. I don't care about you any more, as you obviously don't care about me. Well tough shit you've helped to ruin me, and I blame you, but your actions will be paid back soon, very soon. If you want to fight so be it, I can do it and I'll do it my way, and then lets see what transpires. Yes, you'll make things worse for me, but again I don't care, I don't see my neice any where near as much as I used to, she's growing up fast, she can make her own choices now. Oh hell, I'm really am falling and this is not good, my safety nets are catching me, but boy what a fall this has been and it started out like a small trip on a paving stone in the street. Do I need to consider the AD's? Not yet, this will possibly pass, I hope it does, but till then apart from the times I need to go out, and swimming I ain't doing nothing as I ain't got nothing to wear, and don't have a big enough brown bag to cover my face.