Monday, December 31, 2012

Is that It???

I hope that this post can be done quickly, as I'm at home, it has started off promisingly......

So it's the end of the year, rather than the end of the world as some ancient set of people had predicted, and a time of reflection is in order.  I have been trying to think of how to go through this post and I don't wish to make it a ponderous review of the year, as near enough everyone will be doing that, and the majoirity will be far better than mine and have far more content for others to read, rather than the infrequent (as they have become of late) posting of what is at times my diary and my mood finder.

In general I think for a change 2012 has been a good year, I don't recall any major periods of long term depression, well not the type that has me on the edge of despair and clawing at the doctors door to give me anti depressants.  That's a positive, yes I've had downs and I'll be honest coming to the start of December I was a bit concerned for myself, I know someone told me to go to the doctors, which I didn't do and I've managed to even the keel some what.  I know that this last downward spiral was in part due to my concerns over my health, which isn't right still, and how the total loss of fitness levels is frustrating.  I have never been this unfit in my life, well I tell lies after surgeries I've been laid low and had to build fitness levels up, mind everyone has to do that after most surgeries.  So I think the combinded anger of not knowing what has brought this sudden collapse of my health and frustration of coping has really caused me an issue.  I just about got through Christams health wise, as it took a turn for the worse the preceeding weekend, which made me thankful for not going out to a night club at the very start of the weekend.  

The hunt for a job continues, nothing has yet come my way.  It can be soul destroying, and saps all hope out of you, but I have to carry on and widen my field of application.  However, that was always the intention, and even on narrowing back to the field I had previously worked in hasn't worked.  I know I don't selll myself well in applications, I never have, I've mentioned many times in here that I've never really got a job through the proper channels, even though I went through them on both occasions.  What has transpired though in some ways due to the job hunt is that I've started to volunteer again with a new organisation.  New to me anyway, and that has given me something to look forward to, something to think about and engage with others with.  I'm so glad to be able to volunteer, even if every weekend I do volunteer coincides with United being shown on television on the day I'm volunteering.  It has been very spooky that, and has often meant being totally oblivious to score lines till leaving the buiding, none more so than the derby victory.  

Mentioning sport it has been a year to remember, the Olympics came and went, will be remembered for many reasons, new sports found and old ones (football) forgotten.  I say forgotten, I want to forget who won what, but it's very hard to forget at the moment.  I don't think the pain of that day in May of this year has disipated yet, I've still yet to see "that" goal, I nearly saw it on Sunday morning watching MOTD, but realised before it was too late.  Another NHL lock out has meant the Oilers are at least not last at the moment, it isn't easy following a team so far away, that have lost so much over the past few years, not when you watch a team in the UK which has been so successful.  However, I plod on with the Oilers, knowing we've got a set of young players quite capable of being amongst the best in the world in the next two or three years.  Good times ahead if we find a coach able to harness them.

Closer to home, as with every year, I have met some new friends this year, well some I've met physically, others I've met online.  Some people have stopped talking to me, and whilst that hurts, and I'll be fair it is evolutionary in terms of lack of communication, I don't think I've let it effect me to much, maybe I've been hurt too much in the past to feel that pain, or I've got to the point where by I don't care, either way I'm not sure if it's a good place to be or not.  I'm not going to delve into that here, it isn't worth it and I may end up in a worse spot than when I started.  

So ends this year.  One of my most productive in this blog and I'm happy with that, though I did curtail towards the end of the year.  Some of that is due to not having a lot to say, and other due to the state of my pc.  I don't know if I'll be able to correct that next year, but 2013 is around the corner.  The day's will break, we'll see rain (hopefully not as much next year as this one), sunshine, we'll feel the wind, warmth and cold and night will fall.  In other words life will be the same, so some how we have to make the most of it.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Slowly Falling

Good grief what a day today has been...  The electric went off quite early on this morning, well I say early more like 9.30ish, I'd just got into the bath with the water running hot, however it soon turned to cold as did the water in the other shower in the other bathroom in the house which someone else was using.  The cries some what gave away the shock of cold water suddenly flowing through the shower onto him.  I did a quick check and couldn't find any tripped fuses on the main fuse board downstairs, so we contacted the estate agent and they in turn contacted the land lord. 

It took till just after 1pm this afternoon as I was heading out to the library from where I'm typing this post for anyone to come and check the electric's in the house.  It was quickly deduced that indeed it was an external issue rather than a internal, and more so as no other houses in the street or on my side of the road were down either.  So with that in mind and showing the guy around my flat again so that once more he's seen the damp in the property once more coming through the walls, he left and I once more returned to my journey here.  The electric company are aware of the issue and the electric should be back on by 3pm. 

This though adds to the general downward spiral that has been my life of late.  I seem to be getting further and further into despair, though I'm aware of it, I can see it and thus I'm trying all my mechanisms to try and stop it going any further.  Yes, it's a slow fall, much slower than normal, and I have to remember that we are nearing Christmas the time of year I hate the most.  I guess my health has been the biggest issue of late, apart from my problems with my chest, which haven't subsided since November, my knees are sore right now, and that's to be expected due to the down turn in the weather, plus my skin has been rather sensitive which hasn't helped either.  I've not changed anything to cause that, which is a puzzle, but it does have an effect on my moods.  Plus one or two other issues that I can't explain which contributed to the normal things that get me down, doesn't help.  Still things will change just after Christmas, things are going to be a bit more positive and I can at last see some light at the end of the tunnel as they say.  However, I am so aware of the situation and if I continue to fall and that has been happening no matter what, I'll have to start next year on AD's once more.  I've been quite determind not to have to resort to them again recently, but just acknowledging the fact they might be needed is a good thing I guess, I'm more aware of the issues I'm facing and that for once is positive.

Last night I saw my niece for the first time in what seems like ages, though we had little time to chat, but she brought round some "presents and cards".  I am curious about one present alone, the other two presents are blooming obvious, long triangular blocks.  Now my favourite chocolate bars are toblerone, and as I type it wouldn't shock me to see the third present which is a traditional box shape be a flat box of toblerone chocolate either....  Still it's better than nothing I guess.  I may not be able to buy my niece a big present this Christmas, however, I may buy her a ticket for a concert to which I'll be buying myself a ticket shortly, and if she agrees to come then woo hoo.  I'm not going to hold my breath though on her saying yes, or on her being able to come due to all the family politics, but it is worth a shot, and it's worth at least thinking about it.  Being prepared for this not to happen though is a good thing as I'm not that lucky. 

So it's nearing the end of the year, and I have to say after starting off this year doing really well with regular posts, I've dropped off some what towards the end.  I think in many ways it's down to my pc being so slow, I get frustrated with it, for not being able to keep up with my speed of typing and thus what would take me perhaps 10 or 15 minutes here in the library would take a further 15 to 20 minutes at home and that's just wrong full stop.  One of my aims is to get a new computer at some point, but it's not a priority and I've got other things first to spend the little extra monies that will be in my pocket through next year.  I do hope to pop in here once or twice more perhaps before the years end to sum up the year and set the mood for 2013. 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


I begin another post less than 2 hours from my previous post and I have to say that I am more than a little concerned to tell you the truth.  Whilst the general apathy towards myself isn't to unusal, and the general dislike and self loathing continues, I am a little more perplexed by my health than I have been over the past week or so.  Yes, it's true that I'm aware that my health isn't great right now, and that I've had to resort to medical help in this time, but it seriously doesn't seem to be abating.  

When I say that, I mean my health isn't improving much and that's a worry.  I associate asthma with a wheezing chest, and it's something till last week that I haven't had, and even now it's not doing so.  It feels like all the crap in me is ging via my throat, and yet I don't have a sore throat either.  I can't quantify the problem and that concerns me.  I sit here feeling that perhaps right now I'm probably worse off than I have been since I got out of hospital last week.  I'm worried about my health, this isn't me.  I'm not one to worry about my health to much, but I don't seem to have the fight to kick what ever out of me and that's more than a little irksome.  

So what next? Well I'm back at my doctors tomorrow for the results of a blood test and to pick up a prescription, if I'm still feeling as bad tomorrow as I am right now, I'm going to mention something and hopefully get an appointment.  I'm at a loss to figure out why all of a sudden this has happened to me, and it is impacting on me.  Whilst no where near as active as I once was, this is curtailing all activities almost and that's possibly not helping me either.  

This is sounding like one of my fabled circles of blame, perhaps it's a good thing? 

Regrets, I have many

It's been a while again, longer than I expected, but I guess I've had an excuse.  The first part of the month was going OK, things were fine.  Then about 2 weeks ago I started to feel a bit unwell.  First my back was sore, then I started to feel as if I was going to get a cold.  That as with so many times of late didn't happen.  However, I did notice that I was some what short of breath whilst out walking, and that I was starting to wheeze a bit at home.  I felt that I could work through it, by having my windows open to kill the germs in my flat and also introducing fesh air into my flat.  This though didn't work, and increasingly over the following week, I found myself using my inhaler more and more.  It didn't help coughing so much to try and clear my airways.  

Then last Monday after a weekend of really pondering my health and knowing my doctors would give me some antibiotics if it didn't clear, I got to just after the doctors closed.  I took a turn for the worse, I was really struggling to catch my breath.  I contacted the health phone line and they were adivising a visit to the hospital, I didn't think it was that bad.  I'm normally in synch with my body and it takes quite a bit to get me to A&E or doctors for that matter.  However, having coughed so much I was sick on Monday I was getting concerned slightly.  I went to bed early, read some of the book I was reading and then went to sleep.  I awoke a couple of hours later, coughing and struggling to breathe, after being sick once more, I got dressed and headed down to the hospital.  

I got to A&E at around 1am, and didn't leave till 6am, by which time I'd been given a course of steroids and been placed on a nebulizer.  It didn't scare in that sense, but it concerned me, as nothing had ever been this bad before, and whilst the family history of chest problems was in my mind, this was a one off as far as I was concerned.  My concern was what had caused the situation, but nothing really came to mind, well none that make sense anyway.  Anyway, since then I've been on the steroids, and now have a steroid inhaler.  I feel fine other wise, but I can hardly walk either, without getting short of breathe, I struggled home last night after having to dash to catch a bus out of Manchester, it was a shocking state of affairs, when I consider that only a couple of weeks ago, walking a mile in 12 to 13 minutes would have been no trouble and wouldn't have left me gasping for oxygen, however that's how it is now.  

All of this has led me to how I feel today, well its contributed.  I spoke last time of how I crashed, and crashed hard whilst out in Manchester.  Today I'm feeling more pensive, and instead of bemoaning my financial situation, I'm being more introverted and aggressive against myself (in a mental way, not physical).  I can see hope, and everything like that, I'm just being ultra negative towards myself and expressing my jealousy of others upon myself.  This leads to a odd mood, and one I find hard to describe.  I can't place it into any category properly.  So it led me to writing in here, and will possibly lead to more posts this week, due to me trying to figure out where I'm at. 

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Slow Month, Low Month

Only 2 posts last month, which this year is the lowest I've added to this blog.  It wasn't as if things didn't happen, they did, it was just that I didn't want to or couldn't be bothered to write anything down.  I do think that this has something to do with my PC at home being so slow, however it is no excuse what so ever.  So tonight, I post this from the library, not because I've got no connection at home, but because I've got a meeting here tonight, and I might as well after some shopping while away the minutes before the meeting here rather than dashing home and back down again.

Last month was probably the lowest I've got all year to be fair, which makes the low post entry strange for me, however I'm feeling lots better right now.  I guess it was down to me being sensible for a change and admitting that I didn't have the money to do what I wanted to do on a certain night.  I was saving for something, which I'd be buying on the Sunday and this was the Friday prior.  I didn't want to spoil the chances of me not being able to afford the item I wanted.  As it so happened, the item I bought wasn't right and I had to return it.  I went and bought a similar item else where for more money as I had enough as it so happened.  However the night that I turned down the chance to go for a meal, really hit home that whilst I can survive on what I'm getting and the word survive is the accurate word, it doesn't afford me the option of the odd special treat, well not a spontanious treat anyway.  I guess it was this along with the fact that I'd gone 10 months or more without a real down turn in moods that I spiralled out of control for a few days.  That's life I guess, however I know that I possibly upset a few people, as I seem to do with the way I deal with things and how I say stupid things, it's the way I am and how I do things.  It was a crazy quick spiral and one that I couldn't seem to stop.  I'm not 100% sure what I did to catch it if I did in honesty.  I'm cheerful enough, but I'm trying to work out if I'm putting that on or it's genuine. 

So what else have I done? Apart from a couple of walks last month, not a lot.  Firstly a walk around Daisy Nook Country Park and surrounding area's and then last weekend, I went around Pendle Hill.  They were great walks and I only wish I'd been able to complete the two laps of Pendle Hill rather than just the one, but that wasn't due to fitness or anything, just unforseen circumstances.  I'm really enjoying walking and rambling, which I guess had you told me many years ago I'd be doing this I'd have laughed at you, oh how things change!!!  However, it is so nice to walk in the countryside, up and down hills, exploring the locality and enjoying the views we find.  I don't know what got me to go in the first place at the start of the year, but I'm glad I did and I think it's safe to say that perhaps this is now another of my many hobbies. 

Sunday, October 07, 2012

People Are Strange

It's not 9am, and whilst I'm sure that I can find things to do, I think that for the best part of things I've got everything done.  I need to contact a couple of people with regards something, but apart from that I should be fine, and they can't be contacted over the weekend, well they can, but I'm not going to, as it's sort of work type stuff.

Had this been any other Sunday I'd be doing my fruit and nut right now, but I'm going out later on and so I'm happy to be sort of done and free to play around for the next hour or two.  However before I go on, I need to look at something that I realise I'm struggline with.  That's selling myself, I can vocalise them, but putting it down in words on an application form, even with all the experience that I've got of them, it's still a drag and still probably the thing that lets me down when I apply for a post.  It's crazy I know, I can type and talk about myself for ages in here or in emails, but when it matters and I want to be positive I find it so difficult.  However, I'll try and work through it and fill in the current form I've got, though I hate having to do it.  

So last night I was out with some old friends at a reunion, and again it wasn't too bad, though when there is only 5 of you it isn't too bad.  At the most we'd only have 15 of us, but out of that 15 I doubt we'll ever see 4 or 5 of them again.  I guess having such a low number makes it more comfortable for me to take in, and it is almost controlable, it isn't a big damage control situation, which makes me fearful of a school reunion.  This is almost spooky, as I write this paragraph and more so the later part of it, I've got The Door's playing "People Are Strange" which is so apt.  Well apt for me anyway, as much as I dislike the idea of reunions, I also have the curiosity to attend to see what people have done with themselves, and I guess it's why I get worked up by the idea to a point.  I know that it would only be for a few people that I'd attend, but of  course I'd end up regretting going.  So I stay clear, and stay clear of any groups on things like facebook.  

Talking of things I try to avoid, Xmas to early.  I've certainly put in here how it comes around to early and how straight after Bonfire night in the UK it seems to appear.  Well this morning I am guilty as charged for setting myself off.  As I got in last night it had started to get a bit foggy, and this morning when I got up at 7 and looked out the window it was still foggy.  So what did I do?  I switched on a song in my head, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer!!!!  I couldn't switch it off either, it was a curse and one I had self inflicted....  Xmas is in December, not October, shame on me.  At least I didn't inflict the singing in my head to the world by singing out loud.  OK, what that should say is saying words that sound like song, but is so out of key and tune that to call it song is an insult. 

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Do I wish to tempt fate???

I started this page with a blank canvass to be honest, I had no idea what I was going to write about, and I really don't know where it's going to go either.  However, I've got my opening and from that point I can but divert and go on a journey to the final full stop.  As I opened this page up I decided to make something for lunch, I decided upon a couple of slices of toast, mainly due to the fact that whilst not being ill, I've got a feeling of stomach ache. It isn't real bad, it's just there and I think some food will help it.  

So as I awaited the page to open I went to my fridge to get the bread out.  I decided to use the home made bread that over the past couple of weeks I've returned to making.  Not as an alternative to shop bought bought, but as extra.  The shop bought stuff is used for breakfast, this is as an enjoyable snack.  The reason I raise this (pardon the bread making pun), is that upon getting said loaf out of the fridge I praised myself that some how over the past couple of weeks I've been slicing this bread I've done so with success, by that I mean without cutting half slices or making a mess of the loaf.  Why is it then, that as soon as I give myself some praise, so slight that it should be insignificant that I fail in 3 out of 4 attempts to promptly cut a slice of bread?  Is this part of Murphy's Law, or is it something different??  I don't know, but it cheesed me off no end that I couldn't cut for toffee just after I allowed myself some positivity.  

Apart from that minor irritation, life is good, I finally got mail today from Canada, my aunt had sent me a jacket she'd bought way back in August, though she'd sent it via land rather than air, so it's been on a boat for some time.  However, it is here and whilst I'm trying to figure out why I had the notion that the coat was red, when infact my aunt never specified the colour (which is black), I've got to say the coat is wonderful.  It will do me perfectly for walking in, it's going to be warm and waterproof and I'm not sure just how many pockets I've got either.  Now it may be a week late, I'm still counting it as a birthday present, so thank you.  All I need to do is wait and see what's on offer in Aldi in the coming weeks, as I did see walking stuff advertised a couple of weeks ago, but then last week it was refered to as outdoor wear.  If indeed it's walking stuff, then I can add a couple of things and start building up my walking collection, rather than using any old thing.  

My next walk should be next weekend around Daisy Nook, which is near Oldham in Lancashire.  it's been a while since the last walk around Kinder Scout, so I'm looking forward to it and it should be a good way to prepare for the walk on Pendle Hill at the end of the month.  A halloween walk around Pendle Hills is always fun, with it's history connected to the local witches trials in the past.  

One's attention though isn't on the up coming walk right now though, but on the up coming weekend meal out with my former student friends.  Another college reunion of sorts, this will be the second of the year, with the same people.  I know the first one went well and I enjoyed it, way more than I expected, no way more isn't enough, I had said I wasn't going, as I didn't want to feel like I would be mocked and be there as a freak show.  As it so happened that didn't happen, my fears were put to bed in many ways, by the reaction of the others, but hey that's how things go.  I'm hoping to go on Saturday and enjoy the night out again.  It's something different, and the topic of conversations should be different to those that I normally find myself discussing which is always nice.  I hope it's as nice as the original and that I feel as positive after this one as I did the last.  It was the last one that softened my stance on school reunions and why when even though a joke my best friend suggested a school reunion, I considered it, even though we've both said so strongly in the past we wouldn't do it.  

That's interesting!!  I started out talking about positives, praise and all that and how when I offered myself some it fell apart.  In times gone by I would have gone on to describe that as typical, but my mindset isn't in that frame right now, however looking at the last paragraph talking about positives again, how I'm hoping that it will be more the same this weekend, if that differs in anyway will it cause me problems??  I hope not, I hope I'm in a better place than I have in the past.  I'm trying to recall when I last failed enough to admit defeat, I'm sure that I can look back through this blog to find out, but I don't want to, I don't want to tempt fate, and yet I did so at the start of this post and probably am doing so now...  We'll find out of course next week, as if I'm in a bad place it will be posts in here every day.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Ready to go Back

The day has been mixed, quiet and yet busy, my mind has been flowing and stopping and in the darkest midsts I breathe....  So there you have a brief description of today, and well every day really but today in general.

Things have calmed down this week, after last Saturday's little meltdown of sorts.  I don't know what went on, but I'm past it and the melancoly has vanished and I'm feeling fine again.  Well I say fine I've had a bit of a cold all week, I say a bit I've felt a cold coming on, but it's not actually come out and now it feels as if it isn't going to happen so I'm say around 93%, health wise. Garlic and veg, may have helped.

So what's been going on this week?  Well a couple of visits into Manchester for differing meetings, both of which went remarkably well, yesterday's was excellent and I feel positive about the posiblity of actually doing some voluntary work once more.  It's been a while since I've even considered volunterring for anything after all the years I volunteered for Barnardo's, I had got volunteered out as such.  Now I've rested and have got free time I'm feeling in the mood to get back to some volunteering and seeing where that takes me once more.  It was volunteering that got me onto the career path I followed, so while I can't expect that again, it is a positive in my life and can keep me some what busy every so often.

Apart from that not a lot else has taken place this week, I've watched football and started to watch the new seasons of some of my favourite tv series, and anticipate the rest starting again in the next week or so.  I did do some maths and found that as of yesterday I'd been living for 14,976 days!  I did do the hours, but I didn't think that was as important as the days as it' means in a few days time I'll be passing the landmark of 15,000 days... That sort of makes me think I'm old, which I am, but hey that's life isn't it?  Age is but a number though, and we all move forward rather than backwards, after all we are humans and not from Ork.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Why Can't I??

It's the middle of a Saturday, one of the last few good weathered Saturday's of the year I suspect and I'm sat at home doing very little.  I say little obviously I'm doing something as I'm writing this and I do so, whilst waiting for some bread to rise before I put it into the oven to bake.  I am glad I had stuff in to bake and more so bread today, as I've set off some warning alarms within me this morning, and they've come from out of nowhere.  Let's be straight I've been fine emotionally, though I suspect a little under the weather this week.  I've had an icky throat for the best part of the week and though that's gone, it wasn't a nice feeling.  I'm not so sure what set that off, as I haven't been swimming and the house and flat has been nice and warm so I shouldn't have caught anything after a shower or something.  

So this morning after going out to buy some milk and one or two other things I got home.  On the way out to the shops and back I was in fine form, whimiscally thinking of anything and going with the flow.  It was however, on my return and pottering around online and catching up with some television shows that my mind wandered into area's that I wish I hadn't.  Seeing where I was, what I had missed, regrets of which I have many.  My alarm bells rang, not before seeing a picture and a comment on facebook, which whilst bringing joy to my heart with the innocence of it all, delivered a sucker punch to me.  Memories which bring me joy that sadly will never be repeated.  Not a good place for me to go, though of course it isn't a suprise that I'm here in many ways, it wasn't expected and wasn't a route I'd taken by choice in some ways.

With this in mind, I had to find something to do, and making some bread was the answer.  That bread has been kneaded, had I gone anymore it wouldn't have risen, as it is, it's rising now and in the next 10 to 15 minutes I'll be placing it in the oven to bake.  Hopefully with the frustrations taken out on the bread I can move on and enjoy some calm this weekend and the week ahead.  

This past week has been rather enjoyable in that way, I've been able to enjoy a calmnes that isn't normal around this time of year.  I'm in a settled place even managing to attend 2 social functions in one night last night, though I in some ways I regret doing so, as some of the issues this morning have come from this.  However the ability to do so, the moving on and pursuit of a employment continues, and whilst I perhaps should be out enjoying the day I'm not.  I'm waiting to bake and then eat.  

No one isn't going to go down the ally where all the bad thngs are, finishing that last paragraph set me off for some reason, it's staying in here as I don't know what it is about it that sent me into so many dark corners of my mind,  maybe it was regret I don't know, but I did think about what could have been, what could be, what isn't and that isn't good, not when I feel so good.  Not as high as a kite good, but good, so why would I want to damage that?  Why do I want to stop myself?  I should be pleased to be in this position, I am pleased, but don't know why I'm forcing such negative thoughts upon myself?  This is really strange.... 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Well Is Dry

Traversing through life less and less online due in part to the poor ability of my PC, I find myself in some good places.  Not physically, I dare say, but mentally.  I'm not as desperate to seek out attention in one form or another, I'm not getting myself angry and frustrated at the opinions of others.  Yes, I would like to voice my opinions and my views more often, but if I hold my peace, then I find that I feel way happier as I'm not being drawn into a arguement.  I use the word arguement, as that's what of late had been happening, rather than constructive discussions.

So once more the sky is bright, the clouds sparce and a nice day seems to be taking place outside.  Though no doubt it will be colder than it looks.  I've been doing bits and pieces this week, trying to get things done to help myself as such. and others.  I am feeling less enthusiastic about the groups I'm in of late, but that I fear is due to the politics of the groups and how I feel I contribute to them.  Of course only I can change that, and I'll be looking into that over the next few weeks.

As I slow down in terms of creativity with this entry I am getting frustrated as I feel as if I've got lots to say, but I haven't, and I know that's normally a good thing for me and I know I've ploughed through some posts this year on good days, but for reason today it's not going.  Maybe I need to get out and about to get the idea's flowing?  I don't know, however I'm going to move on, not dwell on this today and find something to do.  Life's too short to beat yourself up about something or nothing. 

Monday, September 17, 2012


It's an odd feeling that sits with me as I begin to write this post.  Not odd in terms of my personal mood, that's fine, if anything it could be defined as angry, rather than up or down, happy or sad.  So in that sense I'm in a good place, which is excellent news as whilst I rejoice in September as a month, it's one of those months that makes me reflective, which then makes me sad, down and depressed, which isn't good going into the Autumn and Winter months, where it's darker and colder.  So angry is good right now.

So why am I feeling odd and angry?  Well it's sport and the press.  Last week saw the release of the report on the cover up from the Hillsborough disaster from 1989, it was shocking that a police force could cover up so much and try to re-write history the way they did and allow it to stand for 23 years.  Shame on them and hopefully those who instigated the cover up, those who helped and contributed are punished fittingly by the law and internally if they are still in the police force.  That I can not stress deeply enough has angered me.

What else that's angered me though is the reaction of the press, I still hold the view that whilst we can point the finger and identify the moment the disaster started and why, the blame lies deeper than simply one police officer opening a gate.  A combination of actions and events from the previous 20 years led to the disaster taking place, and that includes football fans of all clubs, to which this disaster or similar could have befell.  I include myself in that list of blame, so I'm not just blaming others, I'm blaming myself as well.  

Now this weekend we've seen a reaction to Manchester United fans chanting a song, that that've sung previously without any comments and aimed at Liverpool fans for numerous events over the years, and not just ONE event.  So the media have picked this up as being aimed at Hillsborough alone now, but it isn't and has never been just about that.  In fact far worse songs were sung on Saturday towards Liverpool fans by United supporters during the game that haven't been reported.  Which gets me very angry, in that it's being portrayed that United fans are the only "sick" fans in the country.  I'm sorry, but as with the blame from the previous paragraph, fans of all clubs have sung sick songs at one point or another, it doesn't make it right to do so, but people are making the most of this because it's United.  

United and Liverpool fans hate each other as a group.  Yes, on an individual basis, I'm sure like myself, other United fans have good friends who support Liverpool or Everton, just as we have friends who are City fans and even Leeds fans.  The same could be said of the other clubs in return.  However, come the topic of football and attitudes change, and whilst the hatred and despise is ssbstanciially less than it was around the time of the Hillsborough disaster, it still exists.  Take away the hatred and the dispise of each other, and the game would lose it's edge.  It wouldn't be the biggest game in the country anymore, quite simply it would be just another game.  I would hate it to be that, football has become to sanitised over the past 23 years since the disaster, some of that for the good, but some for the worse.  Many others have commented on this in far greater depth than I, but the atmospere in grounds today are sterile compared to what they were like, and whilst it makes it safer, it's taken some of the enjoyment out of the game.  

Sick chants shoulnd't take place, though it would be wrong of me to write that without accepting that some of the sickest chants have made me chuckle on hearing them first, before the implications of the song sink in as such.  It's inappropriate I agree, but I'm big enough to say I've chuckled at a few, whilst shaking my head in disgust.  Does that make me a bad person? No I think not, what is sung in the ground stays in the ground for me, I wouldn't behave or react like I do when watching sport to individuals, that's not my style.  It's when it's taken outside of the ground that bothers me., and whilst many a Liverpool fan will know what was sung on Saturday has been sung many times before, and will launch into an attack at Anfield next weekend, some will be looking to extract a much different type of revenge, outside the ground and much worse. 

The media are inmany ways to blame for this, they've been reporting this weekends events as if its a huge shock and the worse thing ever.  They are stoking the fire as such, when it didn't need it.  It's as if the report that came out last week has made singing any anti-Liverpool songs a crime.  The only ones going to be singing those anyway would be Everton, United or City perhaps, and most likely United, as the two teams meet next week.  To me the fuss over the songs sung first of all is being made into a mountin, when it's something or nothing.  That makes me very angry. 

Sunday, September 09, 2012

1985/2012 No difference really.

Today has been a Retro Sunday, the first of the year and I've loved it.  I've mentioned these days before, but to job your memories today has been spent listening to a 80's radio station and spent doing nothing cept playing on my Spectrum emulator on my PC.  Harking back to the days when I was a teenager when I'd be playing on my Spectrum listening to mix tapes I'd made from what ever sources I could get or listening to the local radio stations.  At times today it's been really fab to hear songs that I'd almost forgot and what's scary is that through the whole day I don't think I've not recognised a song or artist.  It's been quite a day in that respect. 

I'm not sure why I chose to do this today, I listened the Last Night of the Proms last night and got a little nostalgic I guess, and after I'd woken up to hear what tune had been voted onto the BBC virtual jukebox, I switched from 5Live, and decided to go to the 80's station.  After a short while I fell asleep, and then woke up again just before 7am.   It was then that I decided to go for a Retro day.  I did watch a couple of tv shows, before starting, but since then it's been an 80's day with one or two small interuptions.  Now it's coming to the end and I'm looking forward to the next week, full of zest and a little bit of my youth back into my heart. 

The prom concert last night was special, I don't think it was as loud as it's been in the past, I think the audeience were rather more respectful this year than in previous, but the concert was just beautiful, and rich variety of music, with wonderful individual performances from the vocalist and violinist.  They were the stars of the show and simply made the concert.  In years gone by others have allowed the audience to take centre stage, but not these two. 

Saturday, September 08, 2012

Tempting Fate/Jinxing Myself.

About 2 hours ago I started to write a post in here, describing the moring that sat before me, comparing it with glourious mornings spent in the Lake District many years ago.  I tempted fate, why did I tempt fate so full in the face.  An hour ago I heard knocing and banging, at first I thought it was the post man trying to deliver a parcel, I'm waiting for a parcel to arrive so I went to look, but no it's the handy men of the landlord working next door.  Add to that they've just started to sort out the back garden with the lawn mower and strimmer going for the past 30 or 40 minutes.  

As individuals I like the guys, but the timing this morning was perfectly wrong...... I tempted too much fate, is today going to be one of those days where everything that I try or think is happening going to be ruined by something else??  I hope not, for tonight is one of those great nights of the year.  For some amongst us the Eurovision Song contest is the annual musical night of the year, for me and many others though the Last Night of The Proms is the night and that is tonight.

Growing up I used to really dislike the Last Night, except for all the silly bits at the end of the night.  It was classical music without words and really for the posh people.  As I've grown older, I have found a fondness for classical music, though no big fan, I can listen and really enjoy it, and more so when it's played live as it is on the last night.  I still love the silliness of the sea shanties and the mad ending of Rule Britaina etc, and will no doubt join in as such tonight, however it's now part of my annual viewing or listening.  So tonight I'll try to watch it, if not I'll certainly listen to it.  

Obviously something is going to go wrong with this plan, as today's already started with a jinz as such, so let's see what it is tonight that shuts me down?  A power cut perhaps?  A phone call?  Who knows???

A trip through dreams.

A good few years back I volunteered myself to drive a minibus up to the Lake's with a group of families from the place I volunteered at in as they were going to a residential retreat for a week.  I spent the first 3 days with them, I have to say that waking up there, early in the morning (around 6am) was not always ideal with little to do till breakfast was being served, but sitting on the bench outside watching the sun rise over the lake opposite and just listening to life around me was beautiful.  I mention this as this morning, this early September morning with out really noticing till now is as close to those mornings as I can recall.  OK, let's be clear I'm not near a lake and I'm not sat outside, however the birds are singing the room is around that ambient temperature and the sun is threatening to break through.  I was taken back to those days on the lake when trying to think of what I was thinking about before I started to write.

It was I think those few days that added to the thought that one day I would like to live in almost solitude, by that I mean in a more rural setting, where the noise of traffic is rare, where the pace of life is far less quick and the natural beauty of the land hasn't been destroyed by man.  It's unlikeyly to happen I know, but like my dream to canoe down the Amazon, it's something I can hope could take place.  One has to have dreams to keep me going.  Though those dreams seem unobtainable, they are there and have been there for such a long time now.  

The funny thing is of course, the idealic nature of owning a home in a small village or a house in the middle of no where, with no one around would lead to loneliness and that leads me to depression.  The same for the idea of paddling down the Amazon, why would I force the solitude upon myself?  Why am I dreaming of such things?  When on countless occasions I write about hating being alone?  I really don't know and don't care these are dreams and nothing close to being a realality so I can keep them, I can keep playing the Euro lottery when it gets close to £80m+ and keep hoping that one day the luck will come my way.  As till that day, I won't have the funds to really get near to my dreams.  

So what else?  It's been another quiet week, I've gone about my business quietly and positively, though I have to say that when I got my suitcase out where I'd stored all my mobiles, that one of them, the one of the juggling clowns had got very tangled.  I had tried not to get it tangled when I wrapped it up after taking it down, but with so much more string on it than normal due to the various balls being juggled as well as the clowns it's probably something I should have considered more and checked.  I've not thrown it away I won't do that, I may take another shot at it one day, but we'll wait and see for now.  I'll have to add to my collection at some point again, possible next year now, though the idea of a mobile a year isn't thrilling, it makes the anticipation of purchase all the much better.  As I write this and start to envisage where and when I'll buy my next mobile, I'm getting pictures of the Monkeys, that I've seen on sale at the Bridgewater Hall.  I suspect though that they'll have been bought by the ttime I get to this, but that's my first thought.  Though in my heart I would love to find them stocking the "moomins" mobile, but we'll have to wait and see.

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Small pains in the butt

Having rushed an entry yesterday as I listened to the radio and was eager to get out on time afterwards so I  could go take a book back to the library I find myself once more starting to write with something of a tempo and target to go at.  It's late at night, close to midnight and really not ideal for me to be writing I've not got a lot to write about tonight, but I wanted to write so let's see where I go with it.

Due to the general slowness of my pc, I've spent the past week or so watching tv shows that I've got on my computer, mainly NCIS and now the off shoot series NCIS LA.  I've been keeping up to date with all the current shows, but I'm watching these again to get myself back into the world that they live in when the new season starts in a couple of weeks.  It's not that I need to watch I've seen the original series about 4 or 5 times over and the LA version twice I think now.  However it kills time and means I don't get frustrated with the speed of my pc.  I'm also weary of going online as after I had this re-formatted and then had to reset my phone, I had lost all my bookmarks, and I'm not eager due to the speed of my pc in doing all the hard work of finding all the bookmarks again.  They will come however, just not right away.

So what else is new?  Well some of the sites that I've been a regular visitor to are becoming difficult to view these days which is a shame.  As much as I like to go in, read and contribute the contributions of others is getting to me.  I' no longer finding patience to accept the views or shall I put it the opinions of those who won't share or listen to the opinions of my own or others, or who resort to aggressive behaviour when someone disagrees with them.  It is the internet and anyone can contribute to it and perhaps I shouldn't be judgemental, but I guess me being me, and a tiny bit of frustration that's creeping into my day to day life that's causing this lack of control on my part, I don't know.

I say frustration, it's no more than normal, but something is eating away at me, and whilst I could make a decision to end it, I'd find it hard to follow through, due to my own personality.  It's not just in one place it's one or two other places and and that's what's annoying me.  I just feel isolated from what's going on, when I shouldn't be and that I guess plays on my fears of loneliness, as I feel ignored and feel as if it's proving to me that I'm worthless and serve no purpose to anyone.  That's sounds rather damming and rather strong, please understand I'm actually in a good place, it's just that I can see one or two things that are causing me to feel this way and I can't figure out how to change it, no matter what I try and do.  I hope this doesn't get any worse, being able to see the issues means I can step back and help myself and others as is my worth.  

No news yet on if I can continue to volunteer for the youth group I had been working with till a week or so ago, which is a shame, as I would like to do something, let's see what happens in the next week or two, if nothing by the end of the month I'll make some calls and write a fwe emails out to chase it up.

Monday, September 03, 2012

!0 minutes to write this post

Welcome to September, my favourite and possibly the best month of the year, so White Rabbit and all that jazz.

I sit here listening to Just A Minute, and waiting to shoot out to the library to hand back a book I took out a couple of weeks ago, which was fairly interesting.  However, from the library I'll be shooting to the shop to see if I can pick up some bread, hopefully a french stick or something similar for a rather cheaper price than it should have been.  That would help make my decision on what to have for tea, this would be a random meat sandwich.  

Things have been rather quiet of late, I've been in a jovial mood, with little need to write in here, but I've been keen to take step backs to observe my moods, and whilst on a couple of occasions I've been a little shocked by things that I've thought of, but on the whole things have passed as quickly as they came.  The last week of August saw me participating in Manchester Pride.  I joined the parade with the youth group on the float that we had been building, and when it came together the float looked wonderful, no it was outstanding and how that float didn't win the best in the parade I don't know?  It was robbery, it really was, however it is the taking part that counts in this event and not the winning, not that it matters in this case.  I helped out on the stall, as well as watching some excellent musical acts on the main stage, with excellent company.  

Since then it's been rather non-plus in terms of activities, though now I've got my extractor fan in, and within the next few days I'm going to have my mobiles put back up, which I should point out that I've had the mobile that broke on me repaired.  I took it to the craft market in Eccles on Saturday and asked someone whom I used to work with if she could repair it, and she could.  It didn't cost me either, which I'm grateful for.  I'm just so glad that it's been repaired and that I have still got the original mobile that started the collection back to enjoy.  

Saturday is the last night of the proms, which I'm looking forward to greatly, it's one of my favourite nights in terms of music of the year, and this year it's going to be so good, after the country has become more patriotic than I can recall, or at least since perhaps 1977. 

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Random Guy

So today I'm sat in the library with some random guy over the overside of the table who has decided to talk to me about speed of typing.  I've no idea who he is and don't really don't want to which is unfair of me, but hey he's a complete random and and that's the issue.  I don't know why he's latched onto me over this, but he has and so I'm going to have to cope with this. 

I'm not even sure why I'm in the library to be honest on the computers, my computer though slow is fine, I just decided I wanted to read a book and have no book to read at home, so I decided to come to the library and the first port of call was to come in and check my emails, however with Mr Random guy talking to me I wanted to get typing and just see where my own speed was up to, but what it is proving is that if I'm distracted that I make more mistakes than I do when not.  I say that, as I actually speed up if listening to music, but that's understandable.  He's gone away now the random guy so I don't have to listen to him anymore. 

Things are good right now, I'm happy I'm coping with things and am looking forward to this weekend's Pride in Manchester.  I'm going to be taking part in the parade again this year, in one of at least 2 groups which I've mentioned before.  I've found out that Alyson Moyet is playing on Sunday night on the main stage, so I am going to go along and watch her show, as whilst not being a big fan of some of her stuff I do enjoy it, and her voice was always good.  Plus of course it gets me out of the flat and is a break from the normal mundane life that sometimes becomes me on a Sunday night.  I've had to resort to watching video's on my PC of a Sunday night, films or anything really.  Mainly because whilst my PC is playing video's OK, it's not 100% in terms of being working order.  I am still going to take it back to the repair shop at some point and get it looked at again.  I put some music on for the first time in a while today and it's missing tracks left right and centre once more, which is annoying as it wasn't doing that after they reformatted the thing.  So I don't know what it is that is causing the issue anymore. 

Looking around the library right now, it's scary how many people I know in here and that isn't including the random guy who is now back and telling me how happy he is at typing 26 words per minute.  I don't know why he's talking to me about it, but hey 

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Sound of life is silent.

As I begin this post with a free canvass to write upon, my mind is drawn to the sounds of life I can hear.  The tap, tap, tap as my fingers hit the keyboard, the whirring of the computer to my left.  Outside my flat, the russell of the trees as they are blown by the rather breezy wind, in the distance a emergancy vehicles siren's are sounding and yet the world is silent....  

Over the past week I've been trying to get out walking and exercising and have done so every day, though today I had to reduce the miles I walked, my legs didn't have any zip, no energy to walk and it was a struggle to say the least.  Maybe the wind played a part in that, but I think it's the previous days of exercising that caught up with me.  18 miles on Saturday, 5 on Sunday, 7 on Monday and 5 on Tuesday all walking and add to that on Tuesday night I swam a mile.  I felt OK walking, but then I cracked and my legs just couldn't carry me.  Thankfully I can always cut my walks with them all being local and I can make my way home considerably quicker than I would if I had tried to to finish the walk.  So I'll rest up today and wait till tomorrow afternoon before heading out on a walk again.  

It's annoying that I ended up as I did this morning as I didn't want to have to curtail the walk and knew that by doing so I was giving in, in some way and that isn't like me.  However, I am also aware that I had done the swim the previous night which after the walk earlier in the day was perhaps too much, so I have to be careful.  I'm not as young as I once was, I'm not as fit as I once was, so I've got to protect myself.  Just I do in other area's of my life, I have to take moments to assess where I'm at and to act accordingly.  

Like my walk this morning, I've come to a stop, I've got plenty I could write about, but I'm not sure they fit in this entry and don't know what or how I'm going to write about what I want to write about...  So for now I'll depart, I may come back later on today, I may not however I'll return for sure

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Positive inside.

I'm feeling good, I'm feeling positive for a change.....  Well not a change, but I'm just feeling good.  I think it's due to the walking I've done this weekend, which has obviously released some endomorphines and I'm feeling happy.  I should say that I decided to see how my fitness levels were, having not done much walking since June, and the day in the woods.  I've still got the scars on my legs through that day and don't think they'll be leaving me anytime soon.  So I set off yesterday, to follow the route I took that fateful day, but not to turn off and to carry on up to the pit head in Higher Ashley.  I say pit head, it's still has the old fashioned pit lft in place, though the pit has long since been closed.  

As I got to there I felt good and decided to go on further, and further and then I over took a barge on the canal which motivated me more.  I eventually got to Leigh, and decided to call in on a friend by surprise.  I know she was surprised and after a chat and water refill we both set off to the local shops before I departed to start the journey home.  In total the journey ended up being 18 miles long and took 4 hours 40, and although by the time I got home home I had a tiny blister on one toe that was it in terms of how I felt.  This morning the legs felt fine again, though my back was sore.  I went out for a walk today so not to allow the legs to stiffen up, and also to put some miles on the clock, a quick 5 miles in just over an hour got the jucies flowing.  I woulnd't mind as I checked the phone for a distance check prior to endng I was feeling rather glum that I hadn't got to 5 miles in an hour.  Still the leg speed is there, and when looking at the splits the quickest mile was like 13 mins 17 seconds, the slowest was 13 mins 55 seconds so I was quite consistent with split times.

This is good news, I enjoyed pushing myself today, it's paid off I'm feeling good if not rather tired right now.  Today is also the end of the London Olympics.  I don't know what my highlight would be, as perhaps I've enjoyed some of the minor sports more than ever this time.  Things like handball, water polo where we as a nation don't normally take part and in some of them don't even have any sort of hisotry of plaing in.  The government are due to announce a freezing of the money given to sports today, this is good news as the funding was due to fall, hopefully some of the lesser sports will be able to progress in this next cycle and perhaps even qualify for the Olympics out of right, rather than being the home nation.  Well as I'm now falling asleep typing this I need to stop and go rest.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Not doing things

Lunch time this Tuesday and I'm a bit lost in what I should do.  I know I've got things to do, but I am not doing them.  Well, when I say I should be doing, I have done what I've needed to do, and what I should be doing now I am trying to put off as it involves money and I don't want to spend that at the moment.  So I'll wait till I feel easier with that.  Plus I'm trying to figure out in my head things I need to do for a meeting I've got coming up very soon.  I want to be able to express myself clearly and rationally, and so I'm preparing for that.

I have found my pc is playing more music than it has for a while, but I have to be careful which websites I visit as some of them interfere with the music which is very odd, and an age long problem with this PC.  Obviously I'm not happy with my PC and would love to get it fixed and sorted, but we'll have to wait and see on that front.  I may ask someone about it tomorrow I don't know yet, it all depends on if I see them I guess.  So I'm having to spend time doing very little on the PC whilst filling in time doing other things, which is fine I guess, but I'm not doing what I would like to be doing and watching the Olympics or the regular tv shows that I watch.  As I speak my music player has just missed a track, which I know works so even this site is causing an issue. So my fingers are going to go into speed mode here to try and get this post over and done with as quickly as possible.

Apart from the above there is still no sign of my room being finished any time soon.  It's a bit annoying as I feel some what in a half way house situation with not being able to get my room back into the state it should be.  I can't put my mobiles back on the ceiling which is making me angry, which reminds me to get the suitcase down to find the mobile that broke on me the other week and take it to the youth group on Thursday with the hope that it can be fixed.  It will no doubt be the last mobile in the suitcase that I look at, however I know it's near the bottom so I'll go searching from bottom up with that search.

You know it's strange, that here we are in August and in just over 2 months time I'll be coming up to my birthday and we'll be on the run in to Christmas, it's been a very rapid year this year in so many ways.  I can't grasp how quickly it has gone.  Mabe it's been the weather that has blended in the whole year into one.  We've had some incredibly hot days and some rather wet ones, but nothing sustained of either.  It's been such a blur that it's been difficult to disinguish between winter and summer......  Hopefully though I may find some sort of work before Xmas or at least get my foot in the door some where. 

Sunday, August 05, 2012

A little Pride

Oh, only 3 posts last month, that wasn't good was it??  It wasn't for not wanting to post, but I guess that with my PC playing up some what and towards the end of last month as well I was ready to move upstairs to get my flat re-decorated so I missed out on the last 10 days or so.  

With regards to the PC, it's getting slower and slower and I can no longer watch video's on it, which is a pain in the backside as that is something that I enjoy using my PC for.  It's been worse right now with the Olympics being on, I'd have been watching near enough everything from Sailing to Handball, from Football to Fencing, and everything else inbetween.  However, I've had to make do with twitter updates and the text updates on the BBC website.  Even now it's painfully slow, I took it in to be repaired last week (the PC of course), and they had to reformat it, because it was so slow, however it's almost slower now and still no good in terms of video or dvd playback.  It is slightly better for music playing, however, that still gets interference when other programmes or websites are being used.  It's driving me crackers and I'll be taking it back to the shop again very soon and giving them a bit of my mind, whilst also making it very clear what they need to check on the thing.

As for the decorating the room is brighter the carpet is just a darker version of the previous carpet they put down a couple of years back.  They have also extended the vynal covering to the door rather than put carpet down there.  I've still not got a new cupboard though, they were due to put that up yesterday, however on coming home from a trip to Liverpool yesterday I found that the frame is up, but the central support has cracked, so I've got a frame up, but nothing else.  My fridge door still needs repairing and the extractor fan hasn't been installed either.  When that is being done, the electrician can look at the plug sockets as well, I'm going to get this place ship shape as such.  

Apart from those issues I've had a reasonable time of late, with a few bad days though.  One of the things that I've noticed and I have almost mentioned it above, is that I find people don't listen or don't wish to understand me when I'm explaining things to them.  Over the past few weeks I've only really noticed this issue and how much frustration it causes me.  I don't think it's down to my speech, which it may have been years ago, but for some reason no body listens to me when I tell them anything, and the other week it really hurt me, and left me in tears yet again.  I've been to two Pride events in the past couple of weeks, one in Salford last Sunday and then yesterday I was in Liverpool.  It was a really nice pride in Liverpool yesterday, and the parade was excellent even in the torrential rain.  I have a sore throat today, which I think is as a consequence of the rain, but hey one can suffer for having fun.  It was also nice to meet up with Jayne for the frist time since her wedding. 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Full Week

So time goes by, floating down the eternal breeze that is life.  One is neither entraced by it or bothered to be honest.  Today has been one of bewilderment and astonishment at the minds of others.  Plodding through the day catching up with various websites and views of various people you tend to find idiots.  I've been one on more than a few occasions myself, so I can identify them easily enough.  

However on occasion you meet idiots who don't even accept it, nor do they hide it, by repeating inane drivel and driving the minds of the masses to mush.  Today has been one of those days and though I'm tellling myself not to get involved I have done.  Not as much as I would normally do, but none the less I have.  So why did I go against my own wishes?  I really don't know, it's a strange situation, you tell yourself no, and yet you do.  In the past I would tell myself they have set themselves up for it, but I don't even think it's as staightforward than that.  I think they do it to generate a kick for themselves and whilst I hate providing them with it, at times I feel I've no option.  Well I'm out tonight at a meeting, so perhaps I'll be able to take my mind off them and concentrate on it.

This past week has been quite busy in terms of going out and being busy, I'm always happy when that happens, it makes things easier.  However this week has been mixed, I'm awaiting the flat to be redecorated, I was told it was going to start this week and yes it may do, but I've no idea now.  I was all ready for Monday till late on in the day when they said it wasn't going to happen till later in the week.  This sort of disrupted the Monday night, so last night I went out to see a read through of a friend's play.  That may be the basis of another entry into here shortly, but I've got to think of the wording carefully.  However with tonight's meeting and then tomorrow the youth group, Friday night again taken, I'm some what glad that I had to miss out on the board meeting I was due to attend.  It would have made a hell of a busy week even more busier.  It's the first meeting that I've missed so whilst I feel some what guilty I'm also OK in myself that it isn't one of many as such.  

I need to get going I have this meeting in a bit to get to, but I need to get to the venue and also get changed.  Plus I want to be down there a bit earlier to have a quick chat with someone before we begin.  I may end up taking a role in this meeting that I really don't want to take, but may have to due to lack of numbers, so I may have a moan about that in a future post.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Ch, ch, changes

It's interesting to see that I have hardly posted anything this month, so far that is.  Though nothing of real note has taken place, certanly not in comparrison to the previous months, it's still be a month for me to learn from.  I'm not quite sure what I'm meant to learn from it, but I will have to reflect come a later moment.

For the large part I've been quite lacking in motivation, I've compared it to having the motivation of a sloth, and whilst it's a slight concern I'm also aware that sometimes one has to have a quite period, one of rest to replenish the batteries as you might say.  I've been sleeping very well, too well in many ways.  I'm resting up and finding myself deviod of energy fairly quickly which is a worry, but hey I'm sure that I can change that.  Maybe a change of diet or something might help I don't know.  Anyway I've got time to work this out.

So what else to write?  I don't have much really to say.  I would say that over the last few weeks I've become increasingly aware of other blogs, and how well written or more interesting they are are.  I have felt that perhaps this place could be better and that more people would read it.  However that reflection would probably harm me, more than help me.  I have pondered the idea of creating something new, a blog on a subject rather than myself.  However, I look around the net and I find others are writing what I want, and I'd be either repeating or adding nothing more to the others.  I look around and wonder why don't I look further at my writing, and I really don't know.  I've a million and one idea's but this is too restrictive, it's me, and my partly open self.  The sheilds are up, they are always up, though I do open them slightly to see the pain and joys of how I am.  Never really the true me, and I wonder what that is.  I wonder if, if I brought the shutters down would I be able to write better? Would I be able to create better posts?  I'm guessing no, and so I will return to the quarry of my mind in an attempt to find something original to write about, something that I will be adding something to the world with, even if no one wants to read it. 

Friday, July 06, 2012


The sixth of the month and no blog entry yet, tut tut!  Well here I am looking out of the window, seeing nothing but rain, hearing nothing but rain and have been so all day.  All joking aside it has been incessant all day, and really from around 9pm last night.  It had been forcasted though, a months worth of rain in 2 days they said watch out for flooding.  Sure enough it's been wet.  I will say this, I think we can safely say that in 2013, we in the UK won't need or won't hear of a hosepipe ban, as we had implimented in March or April of this year.  Were one to believe in the bible and it's stories, one would now be aware of how Noah felt in his arc.

The weather is of concern to me today, as tonight I'm going out to a beer festival, in the Chorlton district of Manchester, once home to Cosgrove Hall, those masterful animators who brought you Danger Mouse and Count Duckula, as well as my favourite's Jamie and The Magic Torch and Chorlton and the Wheelies..... For some reason it always rains for this festival, but I'm going prepared this time, big waterproof jacket and my boots.  I'll be meeting a friend up ther or two hopefully, but if it's as good as the other times I've been I'll be happy.  Lot's of interesting beer, nice atmosphere in a quaint church.

On Sunday I'm supposed to be going on a walk, but with the weather as it is, I'm seriously considering my options.  It's not that I've not enjoyed the walks we've done to date, it's just the weather, and how it's going to be by Sunday.  It could be the most vile of conditions with all the rain we've had.  I'll wait and see.  If I don't go for the walk, I may head into Manchester and visit the National Football Museum, which has just opened.  I've been to this museum before, but in it's former home, this building "The Urbis" building is much bigger and so should make the museum better.  I did like the previous venue an annex on the side of Deepdale, the home stadia of Preston North End, but space was certainly limited, and Urbis is so much closer to home.

As for me, a mixed bag this week.  On the whole way better than last week, with nothing breaking or smashing.  However, I have noticed that I'm getting a bit wary and irritable on certain topics, and I've blown up when I shouldn't.  Going back a few weeks when I had the major confidence issue, I did say I'd have to watch myself, and so this is a concern.  I'll take a peek inside my own head in the next week or so, and if it's as it is now, I may go back to my gp and ask for a little help.  I hadn't thought about the situation that caused the confidence crash till just then for a while, but as I'm due to go swimming this coming week, it marks the 1 month on mark.  I'll see how I do, but I guess I'm glad to be able to spot this early before letting myself go into meltdown.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Luck! I never have any.

You know when I talk of luck in here I've had none, things have gone wrong and it's normally the end of the world.  Well they have, but it isn't....

Let me explain, it's been a few days since I last wrote, and so those that read the last post will know I was without hot water from Wednesday of last week.  Monday of this week I heard the handy man in the house and mentioned to him about the water heater so he came in and looked and tried to fix it, but had no idea as to what was wrong and said he'd replace it, but it would more than likely be "next week" when it gets here.  I wasn't happy at being without hot water for another week or so, but at least I knew where I was up to and I was coping with boiling the kettle and a pan on the cooker.  However, the plumber then came in to check the gas...  He checked the meter that was fine, checked the fire and that was fine.  He got to the cooker and told me it was leaking!!  It was only small, but it was enough to condem the cooker.  The handy man did say he'd speak to the landlord, but I was looking at Wednesday before a new one could arrive.  It was a great start to the week, no hot water, no cooker...

Wednesday arrived, and after having salad 3 times, cous cous (which I'll probably never try again), I was happily looking forward to the a hot meal.  I'd inadvertantly had salad on Sunday night...  So I waited for the handy man to arrive knowing that I'd also have the electrician around to do the testing on all electical equiptment in the flat for safety purposes.  When the handy man arrived he brought with him my new water heater, which was not "next week", but 2 days away.  He put that into place and waited for the electrican to make his way up to my room after he'd been in other flats to test them.  He came in wired up the heater and we switched on....  Nothing, nothing happened, it ithe water didn't get hot.  We knew we had power going to it, but we had nothing so it took another 10 or 15 minutes to solve the problem, and so at last I had hot water.  He looked at my fridge and shook his head, and said he's going to fail it, whilst it was working, the door was starting to rust, well more than starting.  Which he said wasn't allowed, but for the time being I could still use it.  Whilst writing his report up, another guy came with a lovely cooker.  The handy man looked at it, and it was fine, till he realised that it was for a flat in next door and not for me...  I'd have to wait further for a new cooker.....  

Nothing was going my way, so I was hoping that Thursday would be different that he (the handy man) would come early with a new cooker for me, so I could have some lunch.  I knew I shouldn't have built my hopes up, it was just after 3pm, when he arrived.  The cooker came up, and my old one removed.  I also had a new fridge, but I couldn't use it till today (Friday).  That didn't matter I was going out on Thursday night anyway, so I wouldn't be really worring about space in the flat.  So once home I had a nice hot meal for the first time in nearly a week.  All was going well.

This morning arrived, and I got up thinking I'd have a proper breakfast and get back into my old routine.  Kettle boiled, the cup of tea made.  I left it to brew, went to get the milk out of the old fridge, the final time before switching everything around, and what do I find??  The milk had gone off!!!  I'm telling you one and all this week I've been cursed and I don't for the life of me know why.  I don't know what I've done or anything.  However, for once, when everything is going wrong around me, I've not go upset, I've not got depressed or stressed about it, I've smiled and got on with things.  When I consider less than 3 weeks ago I was breaking down over comments made by a guy in a take-away, and shutting myself away for a week from the world, I'm stunned by the way I've handled this week.  This should be the norm, I know it isn't, but it should be.  So yeah, I'm in a happy place, I've got a new water heater, which is spookily silent, for the first time in 9 years I don't have to listen to it heating up, a new cooker, and a new fridge which is going to take some getting used to.  Add to that I've been told that I'm having the flat decorated and done up in the middle of July.  This place will feel brand new all over again.