Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I'm OK

Today would in most years be the last day of the month, but this being a leap year we've still got another day of February to go.  I wouldn't say it's been a long drawn out month, but the past week or so has dragged on in many ways.  I think that perhaps I'm sort of counting down the days/weeks and months of late, as I'm due an upgrade to my phone and perhaps as I've been looking at some of the new releases I'm getting a little excited by that.

However, this past month has been a reasonable month, I've been cheerful, if not a little withdrawn due to my foot injury.  This though hasn't stopped me one bit and maybe I've enjoyed the added attention being injured has given me, with people asking what I've done and me telling them.  It is after something that I like, but then it doesn't necessarily put me in the middle of any circle for the whole time and enough for me to panic.  It's the perfect scenario, so to speak.  

I'm writing this in the knowledge that it's my mum's birthday and that this is why I wanted to pop over here and write things down.  Up until the last couple of years I'd have been around at mum's giving her her card, wishing her happy birthday etc, but not this year.  She's got her card, but I've given that to my niece to give to her, I don't think I'll even phone.  It does pain me that I'm totally ignored, but having spoken about my sister enough and her husband blanking me constantly, it takes something that when one has been injured, on crutches etc, that my mum doesn't even bother to pick iup the phone and call to ask me if I'm OK.  Yet, that is how it's been, not a call a card or anything.  The past couple of birthday's and christmas's my cards have been delivered via my sister handing the ice cream man a bag with all the cards in for me either a couple of days before or on the day.  That hurts, it really hurts that they can't be bothered, but it's that reason why I've had to estrange myself from them.  They make no attempt to talk to me, they don't treat me with any respect or any dignity.  If over the past 12 or so years they had done, then perhaps this situation wouldn't exist, but it does and whilst I'm playing them at, their own game it may play on my mind, but I'm certainly not feeling as bad as I have in the past.  

Recently I've made new freinds, I've found myself in different situations and I'm much more content with things.  Yes, I know and those who have read this blog long enough that me saying that only leads to me falling down a big dark hole not long after it.  However, I'll be honest I'm content with the amount of interaction with others that I'm having at various meetings and activitites that I'm undertaking right now.  I know that I recenlty went into over drive with that, and not every week will see me out 4 or 5 night a week, but having a diverse range of people to interact with, a diverse range of meetings/activities to go to has certainly made things easier.  I'm not counting the eggs out of one basket and that is helpful.  Yes, of course I will make errors and wrong choices and yes I'll probably end up in a big dark hole at some point this year, but that's something that happens once a year as such, but the more I do, the less chance I guess of it happening.  I'm also aware that very recently I've been doing my maths, I know that with my debts I'm left with little or no money to play with, and that my maths has me knowing that by this time next year I should be free of debt.  Which is a positive, I know that 12 months is a long time, but I also know that it can fly by and that a light has been switched on and I can see the end of the debt tunnel.  That maybe has given me a boost, and added to my contentment.  

So I await the start of March, the 3rd month, a quarter of the year, and the start of spring.  The tree's will soon be starting to come back to life and the days grow longer. Oh and my foot might just get better and I can get back walking again.  Lots of weight to lose, I've got a target, and I know when the target is for, I think I've said that before recently, but when I can't remember, but then I write that and half way through I did, but I don't want to edit it. 

Friday, February 24, 2012

Really chilled.

Well this is very strange, I've been really devoid of ideas of what to write of late in social media terms, updates in both facebook and my recently created twitter account have been rather infrequent as I've either had nothing to say or others have said it for me.  I've felt little in terms of inspiration and yet I've felt OK to come and talk in here??  Maybe it's because it's not confined to short sentences I don't know...

However, I'm here and so I'm writing something a bit longer.  This past week has been rather active, and that's been fun.  However the strange concept of me actually stating I'm glad not to be doing anything in here is has just taken place.  Having been out last Friday, Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, is just over kill.  The fact that everything fell like that will probably mean I won't have much else to do now till about October I bet!  Ok, that's a random quote which is obviously untrue, I'll have meetings and events to attend, but hardly in a sequence like the above.  So it's been nice to be out and about doing different things and seeing different people.  I think it's been good for me as well, well I think anyway.  I went to the doctors this morning and apart from my bloods, I also had my blood pressure done and that was a little low, which is where I like it to be.  I must be quite chilled right now.

That chilled out feeling is obviously good, and one I wish to maintain no matter what.  The only bad news this morning was the lack of weight loss, however as I've been rather in active over the past 3 weeks due to my foot injury I guess I shouldn't be shocked.  Though of course I can't say I've been eating lots or eating junk either during this period.  Once my foot is back in less painful order I'll start walking again properly.  I had just started to do so when my injury took place.  I'll aim to lose quite a bit of weight in the first month of walking and then continue to lose at a reasonable rate.  I've not got too much to lose, but it's enough I think.  I have my target and whilst that may not be ideal one can but work to it.  In fact if I aim for something like I did when I was walking to get in shape for the sponsored walk a couple of years ago, then I may be able to really attack the issue.  I've got a little something to aim for and to perhaps surprise people.  I know losing weight is ideal, but isn't always for my bank account, as I do need to get clothes that fit me once more, everything seems to be a bit too big for me right now.  Which is good, but bad if you know what I mean.

For the first time in ages I've got my music playing in my room, OK I'm not sure how long it's going to go without jumping or having problems moving between tracks, but it's really quite fun to have the room filled with music again.  If only it wouldn't mess around and piss me off I'd possibly not find the days so long these days.  Still it's entertainment and something to occupy my mind if I'm not watching TV.  I did watch a BBC show from the other day this afternoon, which I found to be really good.  That in itself is a shocker as it had Ben Foggle as it's host.  Swimming with Crocodiles, was rather good.  It was an excellent starter for 10, with one or two hairy moments, though why after watching that first episode when they were in the water with the things and everything seemed fine I am sort of thinking going in with the Australian salt water Croc's is going to be any different.  I think it was the preview which sort of tried to make it look even more dangerous and as if it's a different animal all together. As mentioned in the programme I think it's man's natural anxiety towards creatures that can kill or seriously injure us that makes us a bit weary of Croc's.  However no matter how much the research the people have done and are doing on Croc's will convince me swimming in a river with them running wild is sensible.  At least with sharks we use cages as a defence.

Tonight's going to be pancake night for me. I didn't get chance on Tuesday as I was out at a social event, where I did have one pancake, but tonight I'm going to have more.  It may well be only once a year, but who cares. 

Monday, February 20, 2012

Beat the zzzzzzzz's

I'll begin this post by saying I'm cold, I've been cold all day and no matter what I've done to get warm it hasn't really happened yet.  I haven't been out, so I can't tell if it's really cold outside or not, however I don't care for I am cold inside today, and yet I feel healthy.  

Today has been a rather long day to be honest, the fact we are just getting up to 3.45pm is scary.  I spent the best part of the morning watching tv shows, from last night and whilst that took a while to get through due to having 4 shows to watch it was just after 12.30pm I finished, and yet the subsequent 3 hours have seemingly taken up to 8 hours in my mind, it's one of those days where everything is dragging on and on.  To make matters worse in a way I've got a meeting to attend tonight which is due to last for 3 hours or so.  I'm dreading it to be honest, but I can't do anything about it.

In stark contrast to yesterday I just can't seem to get this flowing today, which isn't a shock, yesterday flowed really well, and whilst I had a spark of a reason to blog, today I've come here free of reason, only to try and kill time.  It isn't working really.  I'm waffling along, with things getting stuck and me suddenly getting very sleepy.  Not good when I'm intending to set off for the meeting I'm due to attend within the next 30 or 40 minutes.  

So I'll bid this a good bye for now, and may return sometime

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Fuel of Fear

It's less than 30 minutes since I finished off the last post and I'm writing again.  I have to say this isn't planned this is a spur of the moment post.  The last one came to me late last night/early this morning and whilst not exactly planned, as I indicated I had an idea of where it was heading this though not.

The way I ended the previous post has had me thinking and whilst linking it with facebook, I kept trying to use trepidation and perception isn't a good mix.  However, that was right at the end and didn't really match the rest of the entry.  What though now?  Well I really enjoyed writing that entry as whilst having an idea of where I was going it was doing what I had intended and forcing me to open my mind, but that last phrase has had me thinking more so since finishing the blog than I thought it would.  

Trepidation is a fear of something, for me fear of ridicule, fear of rejection, fear of anger, fear of being attacked verbally and physically.  One loads every one of these on top of each other and it becomes a walking time bomb waiting to explode.  It was trepidation that has kept me from doing things in the past, things I've explained in the past.  Why though do I allow those fears to take hold on occasions like that?? What is it really that makes me so fearful?  Even when going out into a community that I know, that I can feel safe in?  Out of those that I mentioned above for me the biggest fear is rejection, I hate that, it's the killer for me.  Often I've mentioned how social I am, and I really am no matter what I'm sort of saying here right now.  I hate being alone, and whilst being out with people is all well and good, but one can be "amongst friends, but all alone" and quite often that's the case with myself.  Last night at times I felt a little out of it, but not as much as normal, I guess in such a small grooup and having such a lot to catch up on, taking turns to chat about events and then listening made it easier.  Though me being me, percieved situations or am doing so right now.  Situations that didn't happen, or didn't take place openly if that's the correct way to describe how I'm thinking, or was thinking.  However, who cares I enjoyed last night and though this is perhaps over kill analysis, it isn't supposed to be that way.  Nothing happened, I know that, everyone there knows that.  

Reading that, whilst typing it, whilst trying to make sense to myself brings a smile to myself, it's a perfect example of what I guess I was trying to explain.  As I begin to fear things, and start to put one on top of the other, I start to percieve things, and they tend to be negative perceptions or should I say more of a paranoid perception shall we say.  That isn't negative in how I would put it, it's just me worried about myself and for obvious reasons, I've been hurt in the past, and once hurt no one really wants it to happen again.  So perhaps now looking at what I've written here and thinking a little more the phrase about trepidation and perceptions isn't far wrong in that they don't mix well, but it's trepidation that provides the fuel for the perceptions, and so to describe it as a mix isn't quite right, it's more of a fuel.  

So how do I stop it?  As with a lot of things this week that I've talked about I don't think I can stop it.  I think it's something that only really positive encounters can lead to a change, but that will never happen we know that.  I'm not the only one here, no one goes through life with 100% positive encounters with people, and being part of a marginalised group doesn't encourage positivity and that isn't said negatively either.  It's the way things go and most people within marginalised groups would agree with me.  So each time we go out there is a chance of all the fears or many of them actually happening and we have to build our own defences to counter them.  However, let's be honest I don't know of one person who has pefect defences either, and thus whilst I'm trying to make excuses perhaps for myself, I feel that to expect a solution to this issue is too much.  We are human and we all have our faults, and we all make mistakes and we all have our moments.  

Being able to control the environments one is in, and the people in that environment helps, but apart from inviting people to your own place (not an option in my situation, fitting the cat into the room is problematic enough, let alone trying to swing it), no one will get it right every time. I guess what I'm trying to tell myself and explain to myself here is that I've got to let go of the reins some what, I've got to chance my arm a little.  I won't get the positive encounters by not going to the encounters themselves if you know what I mean.  I'lll get burnt, I'll mess up, I'll get a little paranoid an example of that was on Friday at Trec.  However, I tend to display a who gives F&*k attitude at times to everyone else, but inside I'm screaming at myself.  I think it's there where I have try and grab some of the hard as nails external  amd transfer it to the internal to toughen it up.  Of course it's easier said than done, and it's something that I've been so used to now for so many years that it's part of my nature, though this nature has only manifested itself later in life.  I learnt this and so can unlearn it, unlike some of the other things that I've spoken about this week.  

Now I want to carry on writing, however I think I've finished this entry, but have enjoyed the exploration and just the general relaxation it has created.  However, I'll ruin the post by going on for too long.  So another entry might find it's way onto here today.  It's been a while since I've been so creative and creative on a positive basis.  Which is strange as it was around this time last year the negatives hit and I went flying into the huge depression.  How wonderful is life, seriously did I just say that???? 


Ok, lets begin with the acknowledgement that I know where I'm going and on what the title of the post will be.  This isn't always a good sign, but today it is I feel, as I've got to explore things again, which may or may not have a wider impact on me going forward.

Yesterday, I wrote I couldn't get out to the event that I wanted to go to, well I did find a way in the end and that's good, real good as knowing what I do know, I know I'd be sat here writing a completely different entry and bemoaning the world and myself.  If anything, I played my usual self right up to the very end, convincing myself that I wasn't going, couldn't go and any other excuse that I could muster.  However, what turned it was looking what I was going to have for tea, it was planned and just at the very first stages of cooking, when I thought why?  Why should I go through with this meal, when I could go out and and have something else cheap, and possibly enjoy myself?  See what I did there?  Possibly, no guarentees on me enjoying myself even if I go out or not, and that's been noted before.

So, with little time I got ready, and then realised that I'd missed the bus that would get me to the pub, for the agreed meeting time, so I got changed again, spent a fraciton more time getting ready before heading out to catch the next bus.  Here I want to rant, the bus company advertises online when the buses are due to go, yet at the bus stop it's a different time.  Had I known this I could have indeed caught the earlier bus, had I left when I decided it was too late to do so.  Anyway rant over I went and got some money out and waited for the next bus, which came and took me away.

At the venue, well it was nice to see some people that I hadn't seen for years, some as many as 20 years at the very least.  That was fun, the strange thing is though and here's where I start to look at things, is that what I had percieved many years ago to be an indentification marker, of flying rumours and wagging tongues hadeither been untrue or forgotten.  That was strange as I had to go through near enough everything again, even though I had thought they'd all known and that one of the reasons for trying to avoid the event was not wanting to have to be me.  By that I didn't want to have put on more of a show than I already would.  That isn't me, those that know me, will testify on that one.  Not that I don't mind putting on a show very, very occasionally, but as time goes by it gets less showy and more me.  

I guess then that my memory of events way back and here we aren't talking about 20 years, more like 10 years or so, which strikes me as well odd really.  OK, I can't recall exactly what I was doing 10 years ago today, no matter what I do?  I know that at this point in time at 11.10am, I'd be watching Salford JOB play football either down at Patricroft or some other Eccles Sunday League set of pitches.  Then off to the Queens for a drink with everyone, home and well that's it really I've no idea of what else.  So OK I can recall what I was doing 10 years ago, but not exactly and that's beside the point.  I recall events and conversations around those events.  When I say conversations, I mean the general specifics unless it was meaningful or hurtful, and I know which one I mean when I say that.  With that knowledge I guess either my memory isn't correct and 99.5% of the time with those sort of things it is, or my perception of the conversations were wrong then and have stayed wrong. 
Perhaps then, if they are wrong a whole host of other perceptions I've made over the yeas are wrong, and they have guided me down a road that I wouldn't have chosen or shouldn't on occasion.  I know I shouldn't rake over some of the issues here as that can be as bad aas going through them all over again.  However, now is a time to reflect and perhaps try and take a step back.  No wait I alwasys do step back and judge what has gone on.  I was doing so last night I was playing that game whilst out.  I'm now not sure how to proceed.  I know that I judge people and events, just like anyone else, but what if I get everything wrong and my fretting over things leads me to that event??  Like last night my mind was working in overdrive at one point fearful of what was taking place and where it was all going.  I still am a bit fearful even though I shouldn't be as I really enjoyed the night, but I guess it's perceptions and constant worry over things exploding in my face, as if that hasn't happened before.  Trepidation and perception, is that ever a good mix?  Now that's a whole new ball game, and one I don't want to think of right now.  However, it's something to look into another time or to consider today whilst plodding along. 

Saturday, February 18, 2012


I didn't post yesterday, I didn't have a lot to say really on Wednesday or Thursday, but I forced myself to post so I could keep up the short burst of intense postings in here, that I did at the start of the year and then died off for the rest of the month.  So whilst I was going to try and find time and then didn't, and then went out and thought of something to say, and then forgot no post yesterday. 

Today however, I am writing obviously, but I have to write today to stop myself really.  Whilst out last night, I realised that perhaps I was being taken slightly for granted, though I left myself open to that by my actions, however that isn't the issue.  I think the issue is that I saw something that wasn't intended to be a slight on me, and I turned it into one.  It's classic me from many a year back, but it's another trait of mine.  If anything the past week or so has seen me spot things in me that I'd perhaps not acknowledged in print or to myself.  That's tough, and perhaps that's why whilst being good, I'm not quite as chilled as I would like to be.  

As I wrote that last sentence or two, something dawned on me.  Last night after getting to bed, just after midnight I went virtually off to sleep, and woke up at around 3.30am.  I didn't get back to sleep really till about 5.30 -6.00am and then only for like 30 or 40 minutes.  However in that period I can recall the end of a dream that I had, where by I was sat in a school playground outside the class rooms, feeling all really down and fighting away the tears.  I think I mentioned to the person who came to talk to me, and I know who he was supposed to be, but it didn't look like him, that I was all alone and everyone gone.  Now that's something I mentioned earlier in the week, and I guess with me turning the events of last night the way I did, I sort of set myself up for the dream I had.  Strange that I can now place the whole dream this morning and make sense of it to a point, I can't work out why I was in the school playground, though I had been talking about my previous employment this week to someone who had attended the school I used to work at, whilst I was there. However, the school in the dream and the person to whom was in the dream, bore no physical resemblance to either the schools where I worked, or the person.  

Well I was going to go out tonight, but it looks increasingly likely that I won't be.  A few old friends are going for a meal, but apart from getting the bus, which I don't want to do I can't get up to the pub where they are meeting and eating.  I'm still not mobile enough to walk up there, it would take a fair bit longer than say the hour, I'd expect to walk it in normally.  It's a shame as certainly one of the people going out tonight I'd really like to catch up with and chat to, it's been a long time since we spoke.  Anyway, things might change, pigs might fly and that may cause the price of petrol cheaper.  Okay, maybe not, but who knows???  

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Posting for posting sake

So tonight, I'm feeling far better than I did last night.  I really don't know where that mood came from and where it went.  I do however stick with what I said last night and it was worthy to actually go through the process of it all to try and find why I was so lonely last night.  Today has been as equally busy as yesterday was in many ways.  Yesterday I was out all morning up in Leigh and then spent a bit of the afternoon up there too.  Once home I watched a few television shows that I had to watch.  Today was spent shopping and doing my laundry and then watching a few tv shows.  I'm now listening to the radio which of course I didn't do last night, but at this point last night I was still watching TV or had finished quite recently.

Of course having got through both days I'm looking forward to tomorrow, as I'm out tomorrow night and await a subtle request with regards to Saturday night.  So we'll wait and see how that transpires, before making sure how things go ahead this weekend.  

Wow, this is almost becoming a struggle in fact it is a struggle, I'm trying to find a little tangent to grasp to send this post flying, but perhaps as I await my tea being cooked then I am maybe not willing to commit myself to anything that long. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Where Am I??

It's strange that I start off today's entry with a title, normally I start typing without much direction or without any and see where my mind takes me.  Either way I await till I have finished the entry before deciding on the title.  Sometimes it's a word in the post or a general directional title.  Today though the title came to me before I even started, so I guess I have a direction to follow.

What's odd about the direction is that I shouldn't be feeling the way I am right now.  I mean right now as in this evening and not the general past few days.  This week has been quite good in terms of myself, I've been out and about and have spoken to a few people, and really had events been arranged or if they have I've not been informed of them, I should have been out tonight as well.  However, I may come back to that point later.  So the social life is good and I spent this afternoon happily chatting away and yet right now, I'm feeling very lonely.  It's sort of crept up on me over the past hour or so.  I've spent most of the day "doing something", be it traveling having some treatments, speaking to a friend, traveling again, chatting to another friend and watching tv shows.  My mind has been kept busy so to speak.

That's why my mood is so strange right now, and that's why I'm wondering where I am with myself right now.  I should be happy and contented, even though I didn't go out yesterday, I did get a phone call from my aunt in Canada so I wasn't left wallowing at all last night/yesterday, and Valentine's Day does nothing for me anyway normally.  So why today, I'm feeling alone I don't know?  As I previously declared I should have been out tonight.  Well it had been marked in the calendar as a social group, social night, but nothing has been announced and so I haven't gone to see if everyone is at the pub where we had intended the event to be.  I would have thought it would have been advertised.  So is that the reason why I'm feeling alone tonight?  I don't think so it's not as if I haven't been out this week, I was swimming on Monday.  I am out on Friday and maybe Saturday as well.  So why right now am I feeling down and alone?  

No, it isn't what I've just thought, as I was trying to explore reasons in my head for the answer to the question, I thought it might be because today had been so full till about an hour and half ago, that the come down and me relaxing was the issue, I'd come down to far, but that isn't so, I'm quite active in many ways, I'm feel busy and have plenty of things to explore online before I decide to call it quits tonight and go and watch another tv show (some retro show), so that isn't the answer.  I have no idea what it is that's caused this, in some ways I wish my aunt's call last night would have been tonight, I just fancy engaging in some sort of chatter, I don't know it's strange I'm in a strange place, not quite lost, but it's strange as I've no idea how I got there and why.  Oh well no answers are arond for this, and writing for once hasn't been the answer to this issue.  I don't know really what is, however, one shall feel better soon. hopefully...

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Can I change who I am???

As I begin this post, I'm wondering what type of person I am.  I say that because I see things in me, that I don't like, that I didn't think were in me and yet I see them as clear as water.  Why don't I change them?? Well I think the other day I talked about not changing who I am now, I'm beyond change, though of course that of course is a silly thing to say we all change day by day, with our life experiences, however what I mean, there are certain things within us all that make us the person we are, and whilst some of these things can change there are other aspects of ourselves that we can't change and those are the points I'm refering to.

My behaviour of late hasn't been good, I regret some of the things I've done, though I've not done them to deliberately be cruel, or to harm anyone they can easily be said to be cruel.  Some might say that I've been cruel to them, and that's something that I would argue about, as whilst I'm saying I have been, it wasn't supposed to be or deliberate.  That doesn't mean that I haven't been cruel.  I'm finding it hard to convey what I mean here, it's difficult.

One of the things that I've noticed is that although I beleive myself to be kind, and helpful and willing to do anything for anyone, at times though I am quite the opposite.  I'll not do anything for anyone other than myself and I am selfish and regret that.  On a reflective note that's where I've been of late and I'm curious as to why I do that.  I know that I could rattle on about my meanings and intentions, but I have to say that perhaps having a mean, cruel side of my personality perhaps makes me who I am.  Does that part of me or did that part of me help me in my career?  I would say it did for a long time, that's not to say I was a mean person, when I worked with the young people I did, but I think it helped me be better at what I did.  It made me to be a bit stronger and not to give in to everything demanded as such.  However, that was at work, and I'm talking more about outside of work.  That what makes me curious, as to how or why I allow that side of me to surface now and again. 

Do I need to be that mean person to let me live my life?  No course I don't, do I want to be that person? No of course not, so why do I let it arise?  Do I allow this side of me to manifest itself when I'm down or high?  I wouldn't say when it really appears, though of course the latest bout of this has come whilst I've been feeling slightly sorry for myself due to the injury to my foot.  So is it when I'm feeling sorry for myself?  Maybe, but why then?  Is it so that can block the world out and concentrate on me?  Is it because my own guard is down and I can't realise the situation till it's too late??  I really don't know, but I could sit here and think and write, and write and think for the rest of the afternoon (well almost), and probably not come up with an answer.  However, progress has started, I've identified an issue, I've seen something within me to work on and so I can sit down on occasions or think about it when I'm in bed or out wolking and work on ways to avoid this in the future. 

Yesterday I went swimming, which was fun as usual, though I did find on my way home, whilst walking back that my knee's were starting to feel strained.  I'm guessing due to the nature of my current walking style with the one crutch I'm adapting my actual walking. to avoid pain on my foot, which though is causing stresses on my knees.  So I'll perhaps rest up more than I had hoped to do, even though I'm wanting to get out and do some more exercise.  My knee's may be in better shape than my foot right now, but I know my knee's are an accident waiting to happen, as has been explained in previous posts. 

Monday, February 13, 2012

TV Choice

Here I am continuing the trend of short burst of posts.  Today has been spent pottering around doing nothing more than I have to.  I've applied for a few jobs, but with no real hope of getting an interview, still if I don't try, I'll never know will I?  I shoulnd't be so negative about the job situation, but I guess I'd rather be working than not.

It's swimming tonight so I've not got to much time to write this post as I'll be leaving in a good 20 or 30 minutes I guess.  Crazy I know but it's the way things are.  I'm still using one crutch today as it's just a pain in the foot when I try to go any distance outside.  It's the hard surfaces, but I'm not too convinced that I broke the foot now, thoughh I've still have some bruising on the toes.  I'm actually looking forward to travelling today, as I've swapped all my music around on my phone, possibly for the last time as I'm due an upgrade soon.  I'll be grateful when that happens as it's been a while now since I lost my last phone and had to revert back to an older version.  However, a change of music on the phone always makes me happy the first few days I've swapped over as I try to second guess what's going to come on next.  

Today hasn't been to bad either to be honest, I woke up at 3.15am this morning in need of the toilet, but I was awake.  I'd gone to bed just after 10pm, so I guess for me that had been my normal sleep pattern to wake up then.  However much I tried to go back to sleep, I managed 20 minutes just after 5am, and 10 minutes at 6.20am, but that was it.  I feared today would go very slowly considering, but it ididn't and that's been a blessing really.  I know I'll be tired once I get in, but I'll sit down, have my tea and watch Being Human from last night and possibly listen to Just a Minute or I might do that in the morning.  

Over the past few weekends I've been watching retro tv shows, it was one of the things that stopped me from posting towards the end of January, as I watched the complete 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in chronological order for the very first time.  If my dvd player on my pc was working I'd be tempted to go through all 9 seasons and 200 episodes of NCIS again, but that can wait, perhaps another viewing of Six Feet Under is in order first.   Anyway any suggestions for future retro tv shows for me to sit down and watch will be grateful.  As long as they are not say around 200 or 300 episodes long.  That's possible a crazy notion, though saying that I'm talking about that with NCIS.  OK what ever, I don't mind anything really. 

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Exploring Footsie

About this time yesterday I was writing my first post of the month in here, with little to express apart from the tale of the foot.  So why I'm starting to write again, when I've got as little or think I've got little to say I don't know.  

So whilst being relatively OK, no moods no depression etc.  I'm writing in here.  Perhaps I should look at the incident with the foot again, a bit more closely.  Why did I end up in the situation that I did, which led to me doing what I did?  That I don't know, I've not felt stressed by much of late, I know I'd had a letter from the estate agents with regards another matter, which I personally feel was out of order, and angered me, however my mood in the shop was desperation.  That isn't anger it's a different thing, why did I suddenly collapse into a near breakdown??  

Yes, me and money don't really work, it's been mentioned in here many times that we don't seem to stay around each other alot.  The thing is though I know that I had been better than they were suggesting to me, I'd paid back much more money than they were proclaiming I had.  I was in the right, they were in the wrong and yet it was me who got upset, it was me who got stressed.  Why was that?  I think if I look at it, perhaps it was fear, fear that I'd never seemingly pay off what I owed them.  I'm paying off another debt as well as this and whilst I'm paying them exactly the same amount each month, the other debt is already asking for more.  I can't pay them more till I finish this one, and so I guess that fear of being so far away from the end of this nightmare swiped my feet from under me.  I guess that all foundations were dug up with the words from them.  My safety net wasn't ready and the fall was huge, even though I knew they were wrong.  So perhaps it was shock, fear and frustration all in one moment took me down so far, so fast that I couldn't stop.  

This isn't me trying to say what I did was correct, it clearly wasn't two weeks on and my foot is far from right.  However, I feel that by exploring this and putting it down here may help me understand what happened.  May help others whom are curious as to why I did this understand.  Some people on hearing the tale suggested I seek help, I haven't done so, mainly because I know myself, and I'm not in a "bad" position as I've been in before.  It's been clear that around this time last year I fell into a very dark oblivion and the hole I went into was very dark and very deep.  What took place two weeks ago wasn't a fast track back to that.  I think it was one event that ripped through me so fast that I couldn't contain my emotions.  

Now that's a word I've not used in this or thought of till now.  Perhaps I was emotional considering the letter that I'd had.  I maybe was feeling emotional that day, and that by being in such a state allowed my defences to be down and that contributed to the whole situation.  Yes, that's perfectly legitimate, so that's another issue that was against me that day.  

Here I accept that I was stupid, I shouldn't have done what I did, but at that split second in time, I couldn't control myself, I had to do something and that seemed to be the ideal thing.  Throughout my life I've been prone to "losing it", as a child if I lost it, things got bad, I would do anything against anyone in an attempt to correct what had been "wronged" against me.  Be it throwing things, hitting things, even using things to threaten people.  I learned how to temper that, working with children helped stop that on the whole, but I'd still do the crazy stuff once in a while.  Normally it would be something crazy which would eventually lead to me regretting what I did, and normally it was once every three or four years.  However, once a decade I find that I do something totally stupid, like I did a couple of weeks ago.  Will I ever get rid of that?  I seriously doubt it, it's part of me, though I'm not proud of it, it's one of my coping mechanisms.  I know it sounds crazy that I'm accepting that, but after all these years if I'm still doing it, after all the councilling that I've had, I doubt I'll ever learn otherwise. 

Saturday, February 11, 2012


It's been a month since I last wrote anything which has shocked me a bit.  Though I've been trying to tell myself to write something, but either not doing so or just not having much to write about.  Today I don't know if I've got much to say really, but I've got some time and just want to put something down.  

The biggest event over the past month I would say is my own stupidity that led to me injuring my foot.  I had to go into the estate agents that I rent my flat from, over one or two issues, and decided to check on something else.  That something else led to me getting upset due to the misinformation that I was given.  I was already worked up, not so much stressed, however the news that I was given really stressed me out.  I tried to compose myself and question the information and they just kept giving me more false information and this was antagonised me.  I couldn't stop myself from getting worked up and stressed, and even though I was controlling myself it wasn't preventing my mood from falling.  

Eventually I had to get up and walk out of the shop, otherwise I'd have either said something or burst into tears, which I didn't want.  As I was leaving they said they'd phone me with some answers to the questions I'd posed.  As I walked out the shop I wanted to scream or lash out in pure frustration.  I saw a small wall around the front of the shop and was going to kick it, but thought better of it, but kicked a lamp post instead.  That lamp post swayed a few inches, it was enough to get rid of nearly all the emotion that had built up, but not quite.  I walked a few yards and sat on the wall, and burst into tears, not in pain but in frustration.  

Once I got over the frustration, and stooped crying I started to walk, but realised I'd done some serious damage to my foot.  I went to my friends house before heading home.  Once at home I knew that I had to get to the hospital with my foot.  I spent the next 5 hours sat in and around A&E.  The x-rays didn't prove conclusive that I'd broken or not.  They plastered my leg, and I had to return the following day, where they took the plaster off and replaced it with a tubegrip on instead..  That was nearly 2 weeks ago, and the foot still has bruising on it, and it's still uncomfortable to walk on.  I'm using 1 crutch at the moment if I'm walking any sort of distance, otherwise short walks are done without any crutches.