Tuesday, December 31, 2013

How to be positive?

With an hour to go before the calendar year moves forward by 1, I need to review this current year.  It has been a struggle to put into words what this year has been like, so it may not read well, as I still have no idea what I'm going to put down.

I guess it started off well in January, I finished off paying off my debts, I could finally stop having to budget down to the last penny and I could look to purchase stuff again.  I know I'd gotten myself into the mess, and that I had nearly killed myself when the seriousness of it all came to light about 3 years back, but with some support back then, and a dedicated routine on repayments, I finally became debt free.  It has helped me though, I'm now more aware of what I'm spending on and how much I am spending and that's been something I'd needed to learn.  Many a post had been posted about not being able to do things because of no money, well repaying this debt was the reason for no money and thankfully it's done with.

It wasn't long though before I was put back into debt, or should I say I was offered the chance to go back into debt.  My aunt invited me out to Canada on holiday, she'd pay all I needed was my passport, but I hadn't got £80 to pay for that, nor did I think I'd have the time to get it done.  Thanks though to a couple of friends offering to loan me the money though, I got the passport, and that debt has now been paid off I'm once more debt free.  

Of course I was going on holiday and hardly had any cash saved up, as the above story showed, I'd only just paid off a significant debt off and thus whilst being debt free, I had no substantial savings, so back I went to a strict shopping regime to save some money up for the holiday, this helped as I know I lost weight, quite a bit of weight to be honest and I've kept doing so all year.  I still need to lose quite a bit, but that's a ongoing thing, and I know it's happening.  Unlike previously though, when I was shopping with a small budget, this wasn't to pay off a debt, this was for me, and I couldn't be down about it.  

My holidays arrived and all I can say is how much I enjoyed them, it had been so long since I'd been away and whilst I went at the worse time possible in terms of the weather, with floods hitting the region (we didn't get flooded, but roads close by got washed out), it was a wonderful holiday.  Just being some where different, somewhere where I wasn't thinking I was being judged and just being able to buy sweets I could recall having on previous visits, and soft drinks which took me back to times when I wasn't so entrenched within myself.  Of course it helped that it was right at the end of the hockey season, I got to watch the Stanley Cup Finals at a sensible time, not having to stay up till 3am for the face off.  I didn't want to come home, coming home was probably the lowest point of the year, I just didn't want to do it, even now I get upset just thinking about coming home.  

This has left me with some questions though, and one's that I have to explore.  I enjoyed Canada so much that if I could go move out there and get a job, I would do.  However, what job?  I guess it was the holiday and the voluntary work I'm still doing that led me to join a youth work course.  I know that the level I'm at I'd need to go higher to be able to take that with me to maybe work out in Canada.  However, I'd want to go and see what the playing fields are like before I make that move, I've got to see the market, see if there is a space to do what I'd like to do.  So I have something to work to and for.  

Going back to college was something I had to think about, after my previous experiences, I did question my sanity of putting myself through that again, but I've done it and whilst it's not been all a bed of roses, I'm happy I'm putting myself through it and hopefully things will get better after Christmas.  

So that was the year that was, one that I wish I could repeat over and over again, I've been further than I expected and could have hoped for at this time last year, I've met many new friends and many new people, I've even been to church...  though I'm not putting that down as a reason why I've enjoyed this year.  I doubt 2014 will match this year, but even if it's only half as positive it will be a good year.  I have to go back to around 1993 to say I've had a year to equal this past year, so I think I was due a good one.  

Happy New Year,
one and all. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Confidence loss?

I need to write something, as once more I'm suffering from what I can only describe as some sort of writers block or a loss of confidence in terms of my own ability to write for my college course.  I don't know what the issue is as I've been told already by the tutor that my previous entry was great, so why I'm now having a issue with confidence now I don't know.

It's strange to be honest, as the topics aren't that big, and I think part of the issue that I'm going through is that we've been given some space in which to write up our answers to the questions and I'm feeling that I have to fill the whole space as well as trying to use more professional language than perhaps I need to.  Is it me trying to prove something to myself or the tutor I don't know?  All I know is that I'm not happy with what I've written, as I feel it's a bit short and not good enough.  I will however speak to the tutor and send the said work in so she can tell me what to do to put this right.

Oh well I'm going to have to finish this now as my course is about to begin, well in 20 minutes, but people are arriving and wanting to know if I'm going into the class, but I'm going to finish this entry.  Well I'll cut it short I guess and go in now.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Busman's Holiday's

So since the last post I've been in hospital and had some surgery, which has gone well.  I'm still a little tender, but that's to be expected, but I'm feeling in very good health and eager to keep going forward.  After the last post went up, a bit of introspection has taken place and whilst I'm not going to go on about what I came up with, I guess I needed the slap in the face that led to the post to wake me up and kick me out of the rut I'd got stuck in without really noticing.

For a change that rut wasn't a negative rut it was more just a rut of doing the same things that kept me away from doing stuff that I should do more often and took my eye of the most important things in my life.  Not that it's damaged anything ( I hope not, nothing has taken place to suggest that anyway).  

So I'm here writing this, full of positivity, yes I said that!!!!  I can't quite believe it either, things have been going well, whilst I could do with not having to do some things in my life, I've got a focus on what I need to do, and what I'm enjoying and that's something I've not had for a long time.  Probably not since I joined Barnardo's as a staff member have I've been so positive about the future, I know that turned sour and has led to lots of work having to be done with myself, to sort my head out, unravel why it got to where it was, what went wrong and why and how to prevent that.  I don't expect I'll ever get the answer to that, I don't know I want to answer it properly.  Needless to say, I'm older, wiser and have learned from it.  I move forward, my confidence building again slowly.  

Time to step away, stop from going further and further into this, there is no need for that right now, and stepping away is good for you, it gives you a break and that's something for a long time I couldn't do or wouldn't do.  To many busman's holidays or jumping in to help out when on holidays, have proved that. 

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Old Habits

It seems like an age since I last posted something in here.  I have to say that this year hasn't been the worse, in fact it's been one of the better years in so many ways.  So I guess I've had little or no reason to moan about, which in turn leads me to posting or at least giving me some inspiration to write.  

Saying that I'm here and thus something is wrong.  Is wrong the right term?  I don't know, maybe I'm a little confused with myself.  I should have gone out yesterday, I had an event to which I had been invited, yet something happened, something which hasn't taken place for many a year.  I got scared of going out, I got nervous about what others would say about me, or what reaction my presence might create.  That hasn't happened for years and I honestly thought I'd gone past that, and it concerns me that I fell back into that position.  

Looking at the situation, I had many people who would know me at the event, and most of them if not all would have made me feel welcome, though had I gone I'd have spent some time doing some training, which would have taken myself and someone else away from the event, which perhaps set me off over thinking about my attendance.  Moving past that, I started to think of those that I didn't know going to the event, and having experienced stress at a workshop earlier in the year, this event and that converged in my head and for that reason I began to question if I should attend, no not should attend, it was more would me being there cause issues for myself and others, and the more I thought the more I felt it could and just that little could, no matter how small won the battle.  It shocked me that this went through my mind and saddens me as well, however it had been and gone, now is the time to rebuild my confidence I guess.  

To do the later I've got to start small and build up all over again.  I know the tricks that I've used previously and so it's back to the foundations and begin once more.  

What else is going on?  Well I've started college and that seems to be going fine, however my self confidence in my own work isn't there and perhaps what took place this weekend is a consequence of that, I'm just trying to stop myself repeating former tricks and yet I can't prevent somethings happening. 

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Men and Mice shouldn't plan things

It's been a few days since the last post, but I've been fairly busy considering since then.  However, it turned out not to be the day and nothing that I wanted to happen took place and further to that, another idea came and went and vanished into thin air as quickly as it arrived.  

This didn't upset me or disappoint me as I was quite prepared for failure, it was speculative to say the least, though the idea of lunch with my niece next week is a distinct possibility, and the location would be the same place that I wanted to go this week.  So you never know 7 days could be a long time to wait, but short in terms of long lasting legacy.  

Life goes on and I'm looking forward to tomorrow for some fun and games, which I've not had for a long time.  With the youth group I volunteer for, we are going canoeing, it's been ages since I went canoeing and I really do like the said sport.  Though I wouldn't say I'm great, I used to be competent and so if it's like riding a bike then I'll be fine, if not a little rusty.  Still that rust will shake off for sure.  Apart from that, not a lot has take place, I've just been doing things to keep myself occupied and it has worked I'll say that.  Today has been fairly quiet, but I've needed one of those days. 

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Could this be the day???

As a new day begins, I ponder what will happen, how I'll fill the time and yet some how I always find something, and that's a positive.  Something is a positive, as being repetitive can be a strain, it can be a negative.  Not that routine isn't a bad thing, but for me I find that I like to do things differently.

So today begins and whilst I've got an idea about what I want to do, it's more than likely not going to happen.  However should it happen, it could of huge consequence to myself and that is making me feel a little nervous, a little scared.  I don't blame myself for feeling like that as what I hope to happen could lead to my world tumbling down, or relief that I can move on and not pretend anymore to someone.  Those that know me, may be able to fathom out what I mean from that, and though the plan remains a secret of sorts, as it's not a guarantee to take place, it's not going to be published yet.  I don't know why I would want to do this, I don't know why I have had this idea now, but I'm going to go with the flow of things and see where it takes me. 

Perhaps I'm tired of the fighting, and this is the first move in a longer game to reconcile with others, but I doubt that should this plan take place and the out come be what I think it might be, reconciliation would take place.  Who knows the plan may happen and things might not move on, it's got potential to move the situation and potential not to.  This is all very cryptic, I am aware but be sure that should things happen from this, either positive or negative then I'd write a entry either later tonight or more than likely tomorrow morning.  


Monday, August 05, 2013

Strange Days

I'm sure I'm not the only person in this world who has had a day like today, in fact I dare say others around this planet may have had similar experiences today even, but I'm curious as to why these things happen.  

To begin with, let me explain for the past couple of weeks now I'd convinced myself that today was a bank holiday/public holiday here in England.  Maybe it was because of my phone's calendar saying Bank Holiday on this date, and so I've been building myself up for it.  Knowing that on a Bank Holiday, you don't get any post, you have odd shop opening hours etc, I was ready to accept all that.  I've been waiting for a parcel to arrive from distant fields for a few weeks now, but had an idea that between now and the next week or two it should arrive.  

So this morning arrived, I had a small drink last night, nothing to get me drunk, though I did struggle this morning waking up, and was going on a go slow as such.  So after breakfast and a watch of a tv show, I left my room for the bathroom.  Lo and behold we'd got mail through the letter box, which confused me, more so as I could see a card from the post person saying a package was too big, even though I'm at the top of the stairs I knew it was mine, but I was confused as it was a holiday.  So I collected the post and my card, came back to my room and then went to the bathroom.  On my return I checked my phone, and it's only a holiday in Scotland, which made me feel slightly stupid, but it had thrown me considerably.  All day it's felt like an odd day, I've not been at the races when people have spoken to me, I've left things on counters and generally just not been with it.  

Why is it days like this happen, it's not new, these days happen through out your life, why is it that these happen?  It's not as if you have a switch and can switch it on or off, so why?  I really would like to know.  I know at the camp I was on I got a day behind the world for some reason and kept thinking it was the day before it actually was, again I don't know why.  I wish I knew the answer, because I'd stop myself from having these sort of days.  It's annoying as when I go to bed I tend to think I've lost a day for no apparent reason.  I can't even look back and give a logical argument on these things as I can't.

Regardless of that the parcel was mine, it was very nice to be able to go collect it, knowing that I'd like what was inside.  I know I enjoy the mystery of a letter or a card, when I'm not expecting anything, but knowing what was in the parcel didn't diminish the excitement or joy once it was opened, and I know someone else will be excited to hear that it has arrived as half of the contents belongs to them.  Which will make them very happy, or at least I hope it will. 

Sunday, August 04, 2013

Keeping the dream alive

August is upon us once more and sooner than we will guess so will be the end of another year, it has flown by this year.  I've already mentioned how good this year has been in a previous post, so I'm not going to go over that again.  Yet, it's hardly 5 minutes or so it seems that I got the phone call to go to Canada.  

I know that I'm looking forward to possibly a new beginning in a few years time and whilst my target may never happen, this dream is more probable than my lifetime dream of canoeing down the Amazon.  I fear that may never happen and that I may never even get near the said river in my lifetime.  It does though remain a dream and I'm not going to stop dreaming about that, and why should I?  It would be a remarkable experience to undertake and achieve.  So I continue to dream that one day I'll be in a position to do such a wonderful dream, and that whilst my realism dampens that dream, it's not going to be taken away from me, nor has it over the years.

That's possibly the strangest thing I've written some how, but it's true, I've never lost the above dream.  It's kept the same despite all the other things falling around my ears, and the realisation that a lot of my dreams will never take place.  Why has that never wavered or altered?  Why if I can maintain that dream, that I have so easily and quickly lost other dreams??  What is it that keeps that going?  Why can't I see what that holds on me and apply it to the others?  It's strange isn't it and it isn't easily explainable if at all.  

Looking forward though, these new dreams are possible, but I've got to work at it, I've got to learn, I've got to research and then deliver, before even contemplating putting the second phase into action  If, and I say if it comes off, is there anything else really holding me back from this dream?  You know I don't think there is.

Something happened in Canada, I can't explain it, and I can't recall saying this here, but I'm going to say it now, I've got no attachment to where I am any more, it's just a place I live, yes it's home, and always will be, but home no longer has a leash around my neck.  It's time to move and move would be the thing I would do if phase 1 of the plan goes to plan.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Beep, Beep, Beep, this person is looking forward.

Reflection has been the tone for the last few posts and I do do a lot of reflecting I guess.  I know that I look at the past, as it defines the present, which in turn defines the future, but do I need to be so reflective?  

The obvious thing is that with time on my hands, I do have spells where reflection distracts me from the regular bumps and grinds of everyday life, but it does seem at times like it's all I ever do, or at least when I'm writing in here.  So what do I need to do to stop it?  Do I need to stop it?  I really don't know.  

So far this current year has been a success, I'm sure at some point things will go wrong, I said that about my holiday, right up till the day I flew to Canada, and all was well.  Then of course , and not noted in here, the rain fell and Canada experienced some of the worse flooding it's seen in many a year and it sort of hindered a lot of my plans on the trip, or should that be my aunt's plans for my trip... Needless to say though, I had a hugely fun time out in Canada, and so far the rest of this year has been good, with things coming off either as planned or better.  This is in contrast to normal and so I guess with that contrast I'm writing this post.  I think that the train of this post is that for once perhaps I can look forward with some hope that things might happen in my favour.  I'm not counting on any chickens if you know what I mean, but for a change things have taken place as they were planned or sort of.  So perhaps I can look forward to things rather than having to look back?  That of course would be different, and I'll have to see how that works, but it's exciting I guess.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Here's to years 10 to 20...

I seem to have bouts of creativity in here, so I must use them when I can.  I think I've reflected enough on last weekend, so I will try to avoid that, but if I stray I'm sorry.  I'm sitting here wondering what I've got to write about and I guess, it should be that 10 years I was stuck in a hospital bed, not able to get out and not about to get out for another 4 days, with temperatures hitting well into the 90's.  The room I was in was the bottom corner of a quadrant, which trapped the heat, not good when the windows were restricted from opening fully, and being on a drip and not allowed anything by mouth.  By the time I was allowed to have fluids, my mouth was like a the floor of Death Valley.  

If I look back and think how horrible the conditions were, and how I felt in terms of myself was a contradiction, but I can't say I was totally happy, my back was so sore, it was a nightmare I couldn't get comfortable, and when you can't get out of bed to move or even allowed to move in the bed that you are lying in, it made for a horrible time, but I was happy.  Many things I can remember about that week in hospital, the joy, the pain, Robbie Williams, my friends Eden's visit and the crap daytime television, but that's all they are now memories, and I've got them stored away.  

The 10 years following have been up and down and not exactly full of joy or happiness, but that's life isn't it.  I've got on with it, I've coped way better than I would have done under different circumstances, in fact I dare say that had it not been for that week, I'd not be here to write this mail.  Which, whilst not scaring me, does say that it was worth it, and that I made the correct decision.  I may have taken hits along the way from new experiences, even as recently as this weekend gone, but maybe now, fully able to cope with things (I say fully as I'm not distracted as I used to be) better than ever, perhaps a little bit of me is maturing, that's scary.  

So the next 10 years will come and go and I'm sure that I'll be equally reflective and equally as curious about where I'm at and how things have changed me over that time.  Yet, as with every other life changing event you learn from it, you grow stronger, you gain a know how, how to cope with things and deal better later.  It does take time to see that, it takes time to understand that whilst at times things seem pointless, and the despair is great, that some where within everyone is a person capable of blossoming into someone special.  It's taken me long enough to accept that, to accept that I am special, I am unique in my own peculiar way.  I have my niche, and I've found something which I know I'm good at, and something that I enjoy and with them merged together I'm happy.  That was nearly destroyed the confidence in myself shook to it's core a few years back, but slowly it's returning and slowly I'm accepting the above once more.  +

Monday, July 29, 2013

Reflections with time.

It's the middle of the morning on the Monday after the weekend just gone, I'm feeling chilled and relaxed with a sense of happiness.  However, now is perhaps the best time to reflect on the events of Saturday.  I do apologise for the rambles on Saturday, but they had some cathartic benefits for myself and I know and those that read these entries also know that sometimes my ramblings help me get over what ever has taken place.

What took place on Saturday was perhaps a bit of a shock for myself, I don't think I was expecting to be in such a position, nor did I expect it to cause such an effect.  Though I entered with some trepidation into the workshop, it wasn't what I was expecting either and that's the thing that perhaps caught me off guard and allowed what followed to happen.  That though doesn't explain why I felt as I did straight after the event and for the best part of that day.  I didn't have chance to think about it yesterday as I had other things to do and concentrate on, but that in itself gave me time to reflect as well.  

Every argument has two sides, not every question can be answered right or wrongly either and I guess that's how it was on Saturday, and knowing that perhaps makes things easier, and I guess I should take that point of view.  It was perhaps though the workshop content, the history of unease towards other parts of society, and being so outnumbered left me feeling all alone and vulnerable.  Perhaps anyone could given the situation have felt as I did, anyone any time, but it was me then and that's why I have had to write and evaluate the situation.  Even the future situation needs to be looked into.  

Hindsight is wonderful, and perhaps it may have been better had I not entered the workshop at all, though this has been rejected by others and I can accept and understand the argument for why that wasn't the right thing either.  I guess it was good for me to be in the session as it provoked something within me and that had I not gone in, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be learning about myself or trying to figure out all the what? why? how? right now.  What ever it was, I've allowed myself to move on, look at it and learn and build from it.  What I'm building I don't know, but what I do need to do is gain from it some how.  

Saturday, July 27, 2013

reflection one

So I'm home from the camp, the camp that the previous post was written from.  I didn't sleep much for whatever reason I tend not to at these type of things.  I was up and about all the time trying to help.  I really enjoyed the camp and the venue, but during the morning sessions today (Saturday I think it is) I ended up in a position where I felt stranded and alone, fighting a corner that I had no way of getting out of.  It was situational, but left me shaken and scared after what took place.  even now I wish I'd been sheep like in my disposition and followed the crowd, but I couldn't and I felt myself slowly becoming separated from a small group of people.  

Now I have read the previous post it doesn't make sense either to me or those who may have read it.  I'm too tired to continue this post, I will go over this note tomorrow, as having had a bath has suddenly become very tired. 

Mad, Helpful, Ramblings.

Amongst friends, but all alone, someone once wrote and whilst this can be said for how I feel right now, it hasn't been the case till now.

So why now?  I think it's the sense of me, the sense of feeling a bit unsure of my presence.  Yes, I'm off home later and shouldn't worry about this, but I am.  Being in a certain workshop prior to this lunch break has led me to this point.

I don't know why I should, I'm amongst friends, but that workshop has made me feel very alone and it's hurting.  The problem is I just can't vanish, like I wish I could, it would cause issues that one doesn't want right now.  So I'm sat in the quiet space writing essentially a blog post to help me through this afternoon.  Maybe being so secluded has heightened this feeling.  We are in a camp, on the top of a hill, I've also lost track of the days, and don't care, though it will be a shock to be back in reality.

*What?  What would I do if invited back next year to this camp?  I'd have to ask myself some questions, as I don't know how I'd feel.  Why after such a wonderful time is now I feel like this?

This may sound daft, as will most of this entry, but it was one question, towards the end of the session that has left me feeling isolated and also very insecure, and like the intruder in the camp.  How do I feel with this?  I don't know.  Ah a chance, a chance to vanish, should I take it?  I should point out I'm writing this, during lunch and another activity is about to begin, I could use that as cover to leave, but as I said previously that would be wrong.  

Should I also say that this is page two, but the first "What?" was the original start point, but I couldn't find a way to go beyond that.  I now here waffling without saying much, so what comes next?  I don't know a little more time thinking, catching my thoughts and I'm guessing no one here would know I feel here right now, but I should be helping the young people rather than myself. 

I wish to point out this is with a few minor alterations, something I wrote down this afternoon after a workshop had messed me up.  As I wrote it helped calm me down and put a little perspective on things, however it doesn't mean I can't write another blog about it, which is more coherent.

* start of the second page of written text.

Saturday, June 01, 2013

No Agenda

I wrote earlier today how I'm in a flunk and nothing much has changed, but I have come back to write once more.  I am going on a free write moto for this entry as I've not done that for a while, mind you I haven't written much in here for a while either, so why I suggested that I don't know.

Whilst I may be down or in a rut right now, I've got to say the past few weeks since I wrote previously haven't been bad.  I can't recall if I wrote prior to the residential weekend we did with the youth group.  That was a huge success, and you know what, that's it!!!!  MY GOODNESS I think I've cracked it........

This wasn't going to go into my mood, but that one statement has sort of cracked the bubble I guess.  The way I've been feeling these past few days is so much the crash after the high, that I hadn't recognised it.  I've now got the answer that I can now move forward and sort myself out.  This is the power of this blog, I can try and work things out by writing as I did this morning and not get any where, but I can come back to see see how many people have viewed the site and think I'll write again and not publish it to the wider world.  Then in the middle of this said entry I find the answer.

Back to the residential, it went really well and since then up till these past few days, everything has gone to plan, I've managed to save up plenty of money for my trip to Canada, I've got the car booked, the tickets are sorted and my passport is ready.  The only thing that I've not got back of late is the second CRB check which had to be done due to them making a mess of my name.  Anyway that's the only slight downer, but it's on it's way at some point.  I saw James with Lisa and Rachel and enjoyed that way more than the last time I saw them at the Arena.  So life on the whole has been good.  I've been in communication with my niece a lot which is always good for me.  In fact I'm slightly jealous of her today, as she's at the Emirates Stadium, London tonight watching Green Day in concert.  Her and her friend are there for certainly her first proper rock gig, and whilst my sister and brother in law have taken them to London, they haven't gone to gig with them.  It's almost a coming of age moment...

Now I have figured out what the issue, I've suddenly dried up, it's totally crazy.  I should have loads of things to say, perhaps on how I'm going beat the funk, but no.  I'm struggling, but that maybe a good thing as regulars will know I struggle with what to write if things are more positive and with the light bulb moment a few minutes ago taking place I'm already feeling a lot better.  That's the crazy thing about how I felt, I knew I wasn't depressed though had I continued with it, and not spotted it earlier it could have turned into that, but I did indeed see the situation have gone about all the coping mechanisms, which includes coming to here and writing and yet again, I find that writing and trying to solve the problems through this medium works for me.  Well it works in me being able to find the reason why I'm in such a mood the hard work to get myself back to a happy place now begins.  


The need to write isn't great, but the need to do something other than nothing to kick me out of the flunk that I find myself in is a must.  I may have left this place alone for a long time and I regret that, especially as I'll be off to Canada soon and hopefully will have lots of tales of great hikes and plenty of pictures.  

However with just over 2 weeks till I fly out, I find myself in a mini rut, and I need to try and wonder why?  I need to brainstorm what's the issue.  I've no idea if I'm honest, I've tried to think about why I'm so flat, so listless at this point and there is no reason to be.  I'm not short of money, I've been saving like mad, to give myself some spending money in Canada, so I've got money and whilst that's meant that I've lived quite basically of late, it's no different to how I'd be living normally is it?  So what else?  Am I going out and having a social life?  Yes, I've been out, I've been social and am happy enough, it could be better, but then it could always be better I guess.  I've been out other than to the youth group etc.  So that isn't it!!  

Whilst typing as is always the case another idea is that perhaps with all the holiday stuff I've been doing and expecting something to go wrong or just to getting to this point I've put a lot of effort in to get things to work and to get myself into a position to say it's going ahead and will be fine.  Perhaps, and it's a perhaps I've just exhausted myself, and need to come down a peg or two to sort myself out and re-charge my batteries.  Though saying that I may have subconsciously blighted myself, as yesterday I walked up to Swinton to do some shopping for some items that I'd been planning on getting for a while.  It was the first walk of length I'd done for a short while.  

Now recently my breathing has been great, I've hardly if at all needed the inhalers, so I went up to Swinton, on a hot day without any inhalers, and subsequently once in the shop I wanted to go in, realised that I needed at least one of my inhalers.  Have I slapped myself across the face into thinking that everything was good and that perhaps some of my plans for the holiday may be beyond me?  Is that worrying me?  I hadn't thought about that, but some where in the deepest part of the mind have I flunked myself into this position?  

I really don't know, but this isn't the time for me to be feeling like this, I need to be in a good place for others right now, and is it a combination of the above and knowing where I need to be that is causing me to stress myself to be in this position?  I know this isn't really helping me as I keep finding other avenues to explore to try and solve this swing.  It isn't major I'm sure that I'll be fine soon, and the crazy think is, for an issue with my neck I'm on anti depressants, so they shouldn't be sending me to a down spiral, especially as I've been on such a high over the past few months.  Again though a crash after such a prolonged high is to be expected of any variety.  

 Reading the above or should I say scanning the above sort of scares me as it's  a typical few seconds of my mind described in a few words.  Who knows what's going to kick me back into the land of the real life.  I perhaps should buy some chocolate or wine later on when I pop to the shops.  Something for me, a treat of some sort as I've not done that for a while.  The problem with wine of course is the morning after, which I know I don't normally get, but you can bet your life should I get wine will arrive tomorrow when I'm due to take part in the Manchester Day Parade.  It wouldn't be the best start to a day where I'll become an ice cream.  I know it's strange concept, but that's Manchester for you. 

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Recognising Danger

I suppose that every now and again I have to accept that perhaps I need to spot signs and do something about it.  For example over the past few days I've noticed how often I'm finding myself light headed, when out or when getting up.  It's nothing new, I've always had this issue, but it's been once every so often, so I've I'm used to it and just stop and wait till it goes away.  

The thing though that made me stop and think was yesterday's post and the comments about food.  I perhaps haven't been eating enough of late, in my attenpt to save money.  I should try and eat a bit more so I've gone out and bought biscuits to have with my drinks of tea and coffee through out the day.  I can but rule out the lack of food before I head to my doctors and be told that I'm not eating enough and need to eat more through the day.  I hadn't paid much attention to it till yesterday, but eating only twice a day, and at intervals of between 11 and 13 hours is perhaps pushing the limits some what.  

So I have recognised the danger, and hopefully I'll notice a difference, it's not that I have passed out with this, no I normally only go light headed, though in the past I have encountered dizzy spells as well with it, and indeed have fallen down stairs and also in a bath and really caused bad bruising on my legs and back, but it's never been too much of an issue, and even the doctor wasn't to concerned.  Still it's always good to try and prevent this from escalating isn't it and so here I am.

What's nice though is that I already feel good in myself for being able to give myself a quick answer as to why I'm feeling as I have been.  With my recent bout of ill health and the breathing issues, I've had very little idea as to why it's happened and what's caused it.  Being the type of person that has in the past been able to identify issues and helped solve health issues the best I could, unless, medical supervision was required, I've questioned myself a lot, and came up with a myriad of ideas as to why my health has been so bad.  None of them of course have given me the solution and I've pushed on, through the difficult times and had to restrict my desire to push myself further than I could.  Yet, and I say this touching every piece of wood in my flat, since my last bout of ill health a couple of weeks ago, I've actually seen a slight improvement in my health.  

One of the noticeable things has been the total lack of having to use my blue inhaler.  It started with the introduction of the steriod tablets, and since then has continued since I finished that treatment.  I'm still using the brown inhaler which is a lesser dosage of steriods, but I think since Friday 22nd March, I think I've had to use my blue inhaler about 3 times, and of those 2 where seperated by about a week.  I'm not sure what is going on, but I'm happy with it.  The next step after perhaps another week or so will be to try going out for a walk, the local 4 mile walk that I used to do, daily to see how I cope with that at a gentle pace, before slowly building up to see where I'm at full stop.  Hopefully I can get round without any issue and can increase my fitness levels once more, that would cheer me up, and put me in a good mood.  Of course that leads me back to the start of this entry and if I do get back into walking 4.7 miles a day in around 50 minutes or so, I will need to increase my calorie intake, as I dare say I'm consuming less calories than would be burned on a walk of that pace. 

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

What to say in post 600

Blog post number 600, I don't know if I ever thought I'd write that many posts or at times when I didn't write anything for months on end, if I'd ever reach such a point, however today it's arrived and it's 600 up.  

So where am I at?  I don't know if I'm being honest, yes the holiday is exciting, but trying to save money so that I've got some money to save is a strain.  It's interesting that whilst I'm living this sparse existance, a huge fuss is being made in the press over cuts to benefits and comments made by the cabinet minister responsible.  He claims he can live off £37 a week, and I'll say yes you can to a point.  One week wouldn't be an issue either, but it's when it's multiple weeks that it gets harder and harder, as you realise that the choice of food you have to eat is limited, that the amount of food you have is limited and being able to do the odd thing or two to break the monotity of it all, is taken away due to lack of money.  I know I'm living that sort of life right now.  I know that I could make things a little easier on myself by having a smaller amount of spending money target, but I need to have some money available when I'm away to do some things or buy stuff for myself and others.  

It is my choice to live like I am, basically living off £40 a week, but that has to pay for electric, food, gas and anything else I need during that time.  Oh and not to forget the bills I've have to pay as well, so that £40 shrinks again..  So basically I've been trying to live off around £25 to £30 a week which is nothing at all, but I'm sure that a millionaire MP, who claims more for his breakfast each morning than I am spending for a week on food and electric can do the same.  There is a petition going around at the moment which people are siging in the hope that he volunteers to show the world how he can live on the £37 pounds a week.  I hope he accepts, but to do so for a week isn't enough it has to be 1 or 2 months, to really make him understand how little and how unacceptable that amount of moeny is.

Enough of that, as it makes me mad, it really does and my struggles with moeny are well documented, I'd only just paid off all the debts I'd had and started to adjust to life with a little bit more to play with, when I got the holiday call.  It didn't help with one of the supermarkets I shop at stopping discounting produce, which meant my shopping bills rapidly increased and meant less food in the freezer as well.  So what else is going on?  Stillno contact with my imediate family, which really hurts even with so much time under the bridge.  I sort of kind of hoped that with news of my holiday filtering through from my niece, that someone would have called to moan or say something to me, but no not a word.  What makes it worse, is that after I last went round and offered an olive branch to my mother, and told her she had to contact me more, she's done nothing since.  She's even told my niece it's my doing, that i's me not talking to them.  Well it is to a point of course, but that's because of the attitude that they have shown to me and the total lack of acceptance for whom I am.  If my mother, who I'm sure will still claim it's difficult to accept things, tried and at least got beyond the stage she reached 10 years ago, I'd might make a bit of an attmept to reach out again, but no it's not progressed.  

This leaves me with few options, one of the options I've got is when to explain to my niece, she's currently going through her exams and wouldn't want to throw any spanners in the works in that respect, so I may wait till the end of summer to sit down and have a big chat with her, but I really don't know what that would do anyway.  I know, or I think I know the reaction I'd get from her, and I'm cool with that, but I'm guessing once she says something to her mum and dad, the shit would hit the fan and it would lead to no ends of problems.  Though of course she's now old enough to make her own mind up and if indeed as seems likely she'll be joining the Navy in a year or two's time, she won't be around long anyway to have to live between the battle field that would be my sister and myself.  What would I say to my niece is another thing though, as I'd want to tell her everything, including stuff about her home that she may not want to hear or should hear from myself, but I get the impression from the conversations we've had that she's told very little at home anyway and she'll be glad to moe out.  

Wow what a strange entry this is considering it's the 600th, I don't know why it ended up the way it has, but in a way that's good, my mind is working at it's normal odd ball way and I'm mixing and matching topic's loosely or quite strongly.  Whichever it is, I would say that I'm quite happy with things, as I said previously it's my choice to not be spending money, it's my choice to be saving as much as I can, and I'll continue to do so till I can no more.  So whilst I moan and grumble about the restrictions placed upon me, the fact I'm alive, the fact I've got things to look forward to, the fact I've got other things to do other than sitting around and being here online is good.  I'm occupied, which is important, as over the years I've not been and that tends to lead me to dark places, as I have to much time to think. 

Monday, April 01, 2013

Done Nothing Monday

I forced myself to write last week, and then decided to leave this place alone.  To see if I would come back to see if I could come back and add anything worth while.  Even with a shock on Thursday, that obviously was unexpected, I didn't post.  I either don't feel compelled to do so or I'm not feeling creative.  However, as I trawl through the night tonight, I thought I'd might as well put something down.

The thing is that I'm almost bored of all the websites I've got in my current bookmarks, I dare not add to many more to them, not that my pc can't take it, of course it can.  However, my pc's ability to display pages, to keep up to speed is still driving me crazy and thus I'm not keen on half the pages I would normally be looking at, or certainly had prior to losing the bookmarks last year.  So I've restricted myself and that sort of limits me on a night like tonight.  I'd be buzzing around looking on odd pages or playing strange flash based games rather than doing sweet FA.  

So what's happend over the past week or so?  Nothing to be honest, nothing at all.  Easter came and went, well is going as it's just before 10pm on Easter Monday.  I didn't eat any chocolate, I didn't have lamb either, just the normal fayre for me.  I did however pick up some potted meat on Saturday and have enjoyed that on sandwiches on Saturday and Sunday, and with some left I've been able to enjoy that at random intervals.  It will run out, but hey it's been nice to have a different taste.  

Over the past few days I've probably been looking more at sites for my up coming holiday, than I had previously.  Prior to this weekend I'd been looking at things to do, and also things to buy, this weekend has been hiking sites, videos of Invermere and also of the airline I'm flying with.  It's been about 5 or 6 years since I was last on a plane and I suspect that was to Belfast and back for a conference, so it was just a short hop across the water.  This time it won't be, and I'll be flying with an airline that has fitted mood lighting to it's cabin's.  It sounds crazy, it looks odd on the video I watched, but do you know it's just increased my desire for the holiday to come tomrrow rather than later.  I've got a residential to volunteer on, before then that I should be excited about, but the holiday is taking over that and I need to calm down, as there is plenty of time for something to go wrong yet. 

Monday, March 25, 2013

New Home

One thing I've not mentioned really in any of the blogs I've written and this is something I'm slowly grasping and doing so with pleasure myself, is that I've found myself a new metaphorical home.

Many of you will know if you've read some of the older posts on here, that I volunteered for a organisation for 17 years, before moving across to work for them for a further 6 years, making my attachment 23 years with that organisation.  I started my involement with them at 15, so it has taken a big chuck of my life, in fact it's still over half of my life that I was involved with them.  When I left the organisation I vowed to a point not to volunteer again, and yet my posts from around September of last year will show you that I did just that, and subsequent posts probably stated how much I enjoyed doing so as well.

It wasn't though till recently that I realised that perhaps my own acceptance of where I was volunteering and also that I had settled into volunteering there came home to me.  One incident made me sit up and take note, and I'm now well aware that although I spent so long with Barnardo's and enjoyed my time there, that that isn't home any more, that isn't the main charity.  Yes, I'll always have time for them, I'll always give to them, but home is now where I'm at.  That's where I feel happy and energized to do things at.  That's where I'm willing to give up my time to do anything I can for, because I feel welcome, because I feel I can once again contribute.  

Now I know the mojo is slowly coming back, that's twice today or twice in the posts I've written since last night that I've stopped dead in my tracks with something I've written, something that I've written has made me think "Oh wow, that's an issue I hadn't thought about".  I'm feeling as if I'm contributing.  Now I've used variations of that word all over the posts these past 24 hours, and that's never hit me as it did at the end of the last paragraph.  I don't know why it has hit me like that, but it has now, and again I've got something to go away with, look at and think about.  Why would making a contribution make me feel good again, and why wasn't I feeling like that towards the end of my days at Barnardo's???    What stopped me feeling like that, was it a What?  Was it a who?  If so Why?  

Whoops it's looks like I've opened a can of worms for myself to consider, but that's good, it shows that I've moved on and can look at it all through different eyes, and new perspective and perhaps being so long in one place made me blind and oblivious to the situation.  That can help me now, I don't know if I'll be with this organisation for the next 22 years, who knows?  I'd like to think I could do that sort of thing again, but who knows?  Anyway, I've got a new metaphorical home and I'm so glad.

Not really Negatve

Three posts in 24 hours, possibly more!!  I am trying to find reasons to write to see how it flows to see if my methods is working.  4 months is a long time between writing and whilst the biggest and best news was talked about yesterday, other things have been going on.  Perhaps if I confront the more negaitive aspects of these times I can perhaps find another reason to why I've not found it easy to write.  After all, I've always said I've found writing to be cathartic, and that I find it easy to write when my mood is perhaps darker than what one would like it to be.  Which suggests I may be down at this point in time, of course I've said I'm forcing myself to type, but to be creative enough to type as much suggests that my mood is swinging.  

However, before anyone starts to panic, and I'm not I have to say that over the past week or so my health has been really poor.  I caught a cold, which isn't nice at the best of times, but it eventually led to me having breathing problems, after the sore throats, then the gunked up nose.  It was one after another from Monday to Friday of last week  So I'm going to use that to have swung what ever happy mood I was in to one of negativity, as I've said before my health has never been this consistently bad, and I've never had health issues like the ones I've got right now.  Perhaps, when I get the answers to those it will lift a weight that has landed on my shoulders and I can move on once more.  

I dare say the term more negative aspects of the times is a bit much, I don't think I've suffered much more than normal I guess, the ususal money issues, though of course my debts which I've long time complained about have been paid (new ones brought on board due to the holiday, but not a worry compared to what once was), so that was my own stupidity, my external hard drive crashed with all my music and video's on it.  I could retrieve them, but it will cost money, it will take time and so a circle begins, I'd previously said in posts pre-Christmas about the state of my PC, and aspirations of obtaining a new one.  Well in someways that's being answered, as I may well be getting a lap top, which I can use freelyish, and for general use.  Once that is done, and once my holiday is out of the way, and the new debts paid off, perhaps I can save again to buy the new PC I wanted.  Though I doubt I'll be saving at the same rate I'm doing now, but of course being able to do that would mean I'll be able to purchase a new PC quicker than I could at the original rate I'd intended.  That though is the future and also depends on how much money I bring back from Canada with me.  

So whilst I've had a few knocks over the past few months, they've not been bad knocks or major issues, but once more a culmination of knocks at perhaps the wrong time.  Each one chipping away at me, which is typical for me.  I wouldn't even say I've been down with them either, I was angry at myself over the money situation, but set about addressing that, and just as I did, the holiday arrived.  So a continued accounting of my finances may be in order for a while, till I'm straight on my feet again, by which time it may well be routine for me to actually account everything anyway, and I'd continue to do so.  

The other things have just happened, at the wrong time and have frustrated me, I guess the hard disk drive thing was the biggest issue, as I'd just started to listen to music again, properly rather than just using it for back ground stuff, I'd started to get new music as well, which makes me sad as well.  I've still got some and I've got my CD's, but it isn't the same is it?  Still life goes on, as with the video's on the disk drive, I'll be able to find them again, and hopefully if the lap top can burn DVD's I could capture and burn the video's I wanted and thus not have to worry about the lost videos any more.  


So what has been the problem? I don't know to be honest. Earlier this year I undertook a task to invite someone to a group meeting to give a presentation and lead a discussion after it. No problem, I'd done that before, and saw fit that I could do it again. However, when I sat down to write the initial email, what ever I wrote felt wrong, be it the tone, the wording and then I'd try to go in opposite directions and finally felt I'd leave it for another day. The other day came, I sat down, grabbed the keyboard and the same thing happened again. It then started to creep into ordinary emails, then into posts on Facebook and Twitter, till finally I lost all confidence in my ability to write. I had some for, or should I say hve some form of block, which is the first time I've ever had that sort of thing happen to me.

Yes, I know I've had great periods of inactivity in this place, but it's never stopped me writing emails or posts elsewhere. I can recall in my last job, that towards the end, I did start to resent having to write so much, knowing that everything would be pulled apart and I'd have to sit down and re-write it. I dreaded writing there at the end, but as much as I dreaded it, I still had to do it and did it. I'd never not be able to write something, though of course I'd have someone over my shoulder to be able to ask for guidance if I was struggling for wording or if the wording didn't feel correct. Maybe the problems I've got is that I've not got that someone over the shoulder to ask, "Does this read OK?"

It felt good to write yesterday and to get so much out, and that's why I've sort of come back early this morning to write again. I'm half delaying myself from doing some stuff I want to do, as I have other things to do as well, that I want to do before. In other words I've got TV shows to watch, but I want to do other things first, so am trying to keep me from watching the shows. Also by forcing myself to try and examine the problem I may come up with an answer, or at least formulate some sort of plan to counter the problems. One of my idea's is to write in here, and to try and ignore how it reads and if I'm repeating myself, just to get it out in the open.

Oh my, I may have just figured something here, and it seems very strange if it is. I really don't know. I was discussing this issue with someone yesterday, verbally of course, and I mentioned something that's long been an issue, my loneliness. I'm not going to cover that topic again here right now, well sort of, but I'm not going to go through the whole story it's well documented. However, I just had a realisation that even though I'd writing to people over this periood of time (the one with the writing problems and a period of time before), the response rate was some what slower than normal from the usual suspects. I know they have the reasons for that, and I'm not blaming them, nor is this an attack. However, could that, have led to me having a crisis of confidence in my ability to write? Could loneliness have perhaps found a new way of kicking me in the gut? It could be? Well it could be a contributary factor in all of this. Which seems strange as I've been quite active in many ways over this period. With two or three groups I've been involved in, my volunteering etc. So is it? I don't know it's an avenue to walk down and around to see what's there.

However, one thing is certain, whilst I'm no where near back, as I'm forcing these posts, I'm gaining some confidence in my ability to accept what I'm writing, I'm forcing myself to type, to write and let that go out into the wider world. Hopefully, forcing myself to do so, will help me get over this issue, and that I can slowly improve and move forward once more.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Forcing myself upon this Blog

Nearly 4 months, it's been nearly 4 months since I wrote in here, and why that is I don't know!!  I have to admit that I'm struggling with my writing of late, I'm forcing myself to write this in an attempt to free myself from some sort of writers block.  I've not been able to write important stuff now for the duration of this time, that stuff being some plans and emails, which haven't flowed.  My own personal emails have been few and far between and have felt some how shunted in construction.  So I've decided to come here, and force myself to write something. 

I guess, that I should discuss the biggest news story concerning myself this first quarter of the year.....  As of the moment, well not at this moment in time to be obvious, but as of now, I'm booked to go on holiday, and not just a weeks break down with Lisa or away on a residential or conference.  No, this is a big holiday involving passports, international driving permits and travel insurance.....  I'm off to Canada, I've been very, very lucky in that my Aunt has invited me to spend 2 weeks in Canada, and has offered to pay for me.  The tickets are booked the seats booked, now all I need to do is await my passport, to confirm everything, and hopefully that's it.  As you can see, though I'm am being cautious, as on too many occasions I've been in this sort of position and start to count the chickens only for some thing to happen and me to end up with no chickens.  

It's difficult to tell you how long ago it was since I got on a plane for a trip of this distance, I can't tell you how long it's been since I've left the UK on a holiday, though in between these times I have flown to Belfast twice and Glasgow once, the combined distances don't even reach half that of the trip to Canada, I'd be interested to work out if the combined distances come close to the subsequent drive I've got after my flight to my Aunt's house.  However that's all to come in June.  To say I'm excited is an understatement, it wasn't something I was expecting and whilst my health still isn't sorted, and this past week has seen a complete regression in my breathing abilites, it has been enlightening, as it yet again corrilates to myself having had a cold which is something for me to monitor, in the mean time before I go through with a minor operation, either in May or July.  I guess if there is a link to this then with the onset of a cold a trip to the doctors is required to obtain a prescription on steriods, which has seemingly improved my breathing by around 300%, or so it seems to myself in a couple of days. 

So since the news broke I've been on a huge saving splurge, which is matching my lifestyle as it was when I had the cumalative debts of last year and the year before.  Thankfully they've been sorted out, but only just or I wouldn't have been able to afford to go to Canada, even with my Aunt paying for my flight, I'd simply have no money to spend whilst over there.  I will have sufficient I'm sure now, though if my niece keeps adding to her wish list of Oilers merchendise I'll have nothing left when I return and I'll seriously have to take the money she's promised to pay me for everything off her. 

Though that in itself sort of pleases me, she's another Oiler fan and a hockey fan, and after last weeks trip to watch Manchester Phoenix, for the first time in years, she actually was discussing season tickets for next year, though both agree the finacing side of that may be a problem for both of us.  So we are looking into our options, but we both enjoyed the game, even if it was no where near the standard it used to be.  I can't say I was totally impressed with the sightlines in the rink, but hey not everything can be perfect though.  It was just good to be able to spend an evening with my niece once more, to chat, to have her threaten to kill me for going to Canada, and to be able to discuss other things as well.  It won't be long before we have a quite serious conversation, one that I know her parents won't want me to have, but if we are going to see more of each other and she's now of an age where she'll be able to understand the discussion and have her own opinions. 

That endeth this post, it was forced, and I've tried not to edit it to much which has been a problem with my emails and other documents, though I have noticed how I've gone against the norm for this blog and started paragraphs with same words, and so had to go back and re-write the start of them.  That maybe down to lack of practise or just because whilst this has flowed it hasn't quite flowed due to the nature of things right now.  It maybe because my fingers are so out of typing practise,even though this is done at a good pace, that I'm just not thinking or noticing little things as I go along, which would be understandable.