Saturday, June 01, 2013

No Agenda

I wrote earlier today how I'm in a flunk and nothing much has changed, but I have come back to write once more.  I am going on a free write moto for this entry as I've not done that for a while, mind you I haven't written much in here for a while either, so why I suggested that I don't know.

Whilst I may be down or in a rut right now, I've got to say the past few weeks since I wrote previously haven't been bad.  I can't recall if I wrote prior to the residential weekend we did with the youth group.  That was a huge success, and you know what, that's it!!!!  MY GOODNESS I think I've cracked it........

This wasn't going to go into my mood, but that one statement has sort of cracked the bubble I guess.  The way I've been feeling these past few days is so much the crash after the high, that I hadn't recognised it.  I've now got the answer that I can now move forward and sort myself out.  This is the power of this blog, I can try and work things out by writing as I did this morning and not get any where, but I can come back to see see how many people have viewed the site and think I'll write again and not publish it to the wider world.  Then in the middle of this said entry I find the answer.

Back to the residential, it went really well and since then up till these past few days, everything has gone to plan, I've managed to save up plenty of money for my trip to Canada, I've got the car booked, the tickets are sorted and my passport is ready.  The only thing that I've not got back of late is the second CRB check which had to be done due to them making a mess of my name.  Anyway that's the only slight downer, but it's on it's way at some point.  I saw James with Lisa and Rachel and enjoyed that way more than the last time I saw them at the Arena.  So life on the whole has been good.  I've been in communication with my niece a lot which is always good for me.  In fact I'm slightly jealous of her today, as she's at the Emirates Stadium, London tonight watching Green Day in concert.  Her and her friend are there for certainly her first proper rock gig, and whilst my sister and brother in law have taken them to London, they haven't gone to gig with them.  It's almost a coming of age moment...

Now I have figured out what the issue, I've suddenly dried up, it's totally crazy.  I should have loads of things to say, perhaps on how I'm going beat the funk, but no.  I'm struggling, but that maybe a good thing as regulars will know I struggle with what to write if things are more positive and with the light bulb moment a few minutes ago taking place I'm already feeling a lot better.  That's the crazy thing about how I felt, I knew I wasn't depressed though had I continued with it, and not spotted it earlier it could have turned into that, but I did indeed see the situation have gone about all the coping mechanisms, which includes coming to here and writing and yet again, I find that writing and trying to solve the problems through this medium works for me.  Well it works in me being able to find the reason why I'm in such a mood the hard work to get myself back to a happy place now begins.  


The need to write isn't great, but the need to do something other than nothing to kick me out of the flunk that I find myself in is a must.  I may have left this place alone for a long time and I regret that, especially as I'll be off to Canada soon and hopefully will have lots of tales of great hikes and plenty of pictures.  

However with just over 2 weeks till I fly out, I find myself in a mini rut, and I need to try and wonder why?  I need to brainstorm what's the issue.  I've no idea if I'm honest, I've tried to think about why I'm so flat, so listless at this point and there is no reason to be.  I'm not short of money, I've been saving like mad, to give myself some spending money in Canada, so I've got money and whilst that's meant that I've lived quite basically of late, it's no different to how I'd be living normally is it?  So what else?  Am I going out and having a social life?  Yes, I've been out, I've been social and am happy enough, it could be better, but then it could always be better I guess.  I've been out other than to the youth group etc.  So that isn't it!!  

Whilst typing as is always the case another idea is that perhaps with all the holiday stuff I've been doing and expecting something to go wrong or just to getting to this point I've put a lot of effort in to get things to work and to get myself into a position to say it's going ahead and will be fine.  Perhaps, and it's a perhaps I've just exhausted myself, and need to come down a peg or two to sort myself out and re-charge my batteries.  Though saying that I may have subconsciously blighted myself, as yesterday I walked up to Swinton to do some shopping for some items that I'd been planning on getting for a while.  It was the first walk of length I'd done for a short while.  

Now recently my breathing has been great, I've hardly if at all needed the inhalers, so I went up to Swinton, on a hot day without any inhalers, and subsequently once in the shop I wanted to go in, realised that I needed at least one of my inhalers.  Have I slapped myself across the face into thinking that everything was good and that perhaps some of my plans for the holiday may be beyond me?  Is that worrying me?  I hadn't thought about that, but some where in the deepest part of the mind have I flunked myself into this position?  

I really don't know, but this isn't the time for me to be feeling like this, I need to be in a good place for others right now, and is it a combination of the above and knowing where I need to be that is causing me to stress myself to be in this position?  I know this isn't really helping me as I keep finding other avenues to explore to try and solve this swing.  It isn't major I'm sure that I'll be fine soon, and the crazy think is, for an issue with my neck I'm on anti depressants, so they shouldn't be sending me to a down spiral, especially as I've been on such a high over the past few months.  Again though a crash after such a prolonged high is to be expected of any variety.  

 Reading the above or should I say scanning the above sort of scares me as it's  a typical few seconds of my mind described in a few words.  Who knows what's going to kick me back into the land of the real life.  I perhaps should buy some chocolate or wine later on when I pop to the shops.  Something for me, a treat of some sort as I've not done that for a while.  The problem with wine of course is the morning after, which I know I don't normally get, but you can bet your life should I get wine will arrive tomorrow when I'm due to take part in the Manchester Day Parade.  It wouldn't be the best start to a day where I'll become an ice cream.  I know it's strange concept, but that's Manchester for you.