Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Beep, Beep, Beep, this person is looking forward.

Reflection has been the tone for the last few posts and I do do a lot of reflecting I guess.  I know that I look at the past, as it defines the present, which in turn defines the future, but do I need to be so reflective?  

The obvious thing is that with time on my hands, I do have spells where reflection distracts me from the regular bumps and grinds of everyday life, but it does seem at times like it's all I ever do, or at least when I'm writing in here.  So what do I need to do to stop it?  Do I need to stop it?  I really don't know.  

So far this current year has been a success, I'm sure at some point things will go wrong, I said that about my holiday, right up till the day I flew to Canada, and all was well.  Then of course , and not noted in here, the rain fell and Canada experienced some of the worse flooding it's seen in many a year and it sort of hindered a lot of my plans on the trip, or should that be my aunt's plans for my trip... Needless to say though, I had a hugely fun time out in Canada, and so far the rest of this year has been good, with things coming off either as planned or better.  This is in contrast to normal and so I guess with that contrast I'm writing this post.  I think that the train of this post is that for once perhaps I can look forward with some hope that things might happen in my favour.  I'm not counting on any chickens if you know what I mean, but for a change things have taken place as they were planned or sort of.  So perhaps I can look forward to things rather than having to look back?  That of course would be different, and I'll have to see how that works, but it's exciting I guess.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Here's to years 10 to 20...

I seem to have bouts of creativity in here, so I must use them when I can.  I think I've reflected enough on last weekend, so I will try to avoid that, but if I stray I'm sorry.  I'm sitting here wondering what I've got to write about and I guess, it should be that 10 years I was stuck in a hospital bed, not able to get out and not about to get out for another 4 days, with temperatures hitting well into the 90's.  The room I was in was the bottom corner of a quadrant, which trapped the heat, not good when the windows were restricted from opening fully, and being on a drip and not allowed anything by mouth.  By the time I was allowed to have fluids, my mouth was like a the floor of Death Valley.  

If I look back and think how horrible the conditions were, and how I felt in terms of myself was a contradiction, but I can't say I was totally happy, my back was so sore, it was a nightmare I couldn't get comfortable, and when you can't get out of bed to move or even allowed to move in the bed that you are lying in, it made for a horrible time, but I was happy.  Many things I can remember about that week in hospital, the joy, the pain, Robbie Williams, my friends Eden's visit and the crap daytime television, but that's all they are now memories, and I've got them stored away.  

The 10 years following have been up and down and not exactly full of joy or happiness, but that's life isn't it.  I've got on with it, I've coped way better than I would have done under different circumstances, in fact I dare say that had it not been for that week, I'd not be here to write this mail.  Which, whilst not scaring me, does say that it was worth it, and that I made the correct decision.  I may have taken hits along the way from new experiences, even as recently as this weekend gone, but maybe now, fully able to cope with things (I say fully as I'm not distracted as I used to be) better than ever, perhaps a little bit of me is maturing, that's scary.  

So the next 10 years will come and go and I'm sure that I'll be equally reflective and equally as curious about where I'm at and how things have changed me over that time.  Yet, as with every other life changing event you learn from it, you grow stronger, you gain a know how, how to cope with things and deal better later.  It does take time to see that, it takes time to understand that whilst at times things seem pointless, and the despair is great, that some where within everyone is a person capable of blossoming into someone special.  It's taken me long enough to accept that, to accept that I am special, I am unique in my own peculiar way.  I have my niche, and I've found something which I know I'm good at, and something that I enjoy and with them merged together I'm happy.  That was nearly destroyed the confidence in myself shook to it's core a few years back, but slowly it's returning and slowly I'm accepting the above once more.  +

Monday, July 29, 2013

Reflections with time.

It's the middle of the morning on the Monday after the weekend just gone, I'm feeling chilled and relaxed with a sense of happiness.  However, now is perhaps the best time to reflect on the events of Saturday.  I do apologise for the rambles on Saturday, but they had some cathartic benefits for myself and I know and those that read these entries also know that sometimes my ramblings help me get over what ever has taken place.

What took place on Saturday was perhaps a bit of a shock for myself, I don't think I was expecting to be in such a position, nor did I expect it to cause such an effect.  Though I entered with some trepidation into the workshop, it wasn't what I was expecting either and that's the thing that perhaps caught me off guard and allowed what followed to happen.  That though doesn't explain why I felt as I did straight after the event and for the best part of that day.  I didn't have chance to think about it yesterday as I had other things to do and concentrate on, but that in itself gave me time to reflect as well.  

Every argument has two sides, not every question can be answered right or wrongly either and I guess that's how it was on Saturday, and knowing that perhaps makes things easier, and I guess I should take that point of view.  It was perhaps though the workshop content, the history of unease towards other parts of society, and being so outnumbered left me feeling all alone and vulnerable.  Perhaps anyone could given the situation have felt as I did, anyone any time, but it was me then and that's why I have had to write and evaluate the situation.  Even the future situation needs to be looked into.  

Hindsight is wonderful, and perhaps it may have been better had I not entered the workshop at all, though this has been rejected by others and I can accept and understand the argument for why that wasn't the right thing either.  I guess it was good for me to be in the session as it provoked something within me and that had I not gone in, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be learning about myself or trying to figure out all the what? why? how? right now.  What ever it was, I've allowed myself to move on, look at it and learn and build from it.  What I'm building I don't know, but what I do need to do is gain from it some how.  

Saturday, July 27, 2013

reflection one

So I'm home from the camp, the camp that the previous post was written from.  I didn't sleep much for whatever reason I tend not to at these type of things.  I was up and about all the time trying to help.  I really enjoyed the camp and the venue, but during the morning sessions today (Saturday I think it is) I ended up in a position where I felt stranded and alone, fighting a corner that I had no way of getting out of.  It was situational, but left me shaken and scared after what took place.  even now I wish I'd been sheep like in my disposition and followed the crowd, but I couldn't and I felt myself slowly becoming separated from a small group of people.  

Now I have read the previous post it doesn't make sense either to me or those who may have read it.  I'm too tired to continue this post, I will go over this note tomorrow, as having had a bath has suddenly become very tired. 

Mad, Helpful, Ramblings.

Amongst friends, but all alone, someone once wrote and whilst this can be said for how I feel right now, it hasn't been the case till now.

So why now?  I think it's the sense of me, the sense of feeling a bit unsure of my presence.  Yes, I'm off home later and shouldn't worry about this, but I am.  Being in a certain workshop prior to this lunch break has led me to this point.

I don't know why I should, I'm amongst friends, but that workshop has made me feel very alone and it's hurting.  The problem is I just can't vanish, like I wish I could, it would cause issues that one doesn't want right now.  So I'm sat in the quiet space writing essentially a blog post to help me through this afternoon.  Maybe being so secluded has heightened this feeling.  We are in a camp, on the top of a hill, I've also lost track of the days, and don't care, though it will be a shock to be back in reality.

*What?  What would I do if invited back next year to this camp?  I'd have to ask myself some questions, as I don't know how I'd feel.  Why after such a wonderful time is now I feel like this?

This may sound daft, as will most of this entry, but it was one question, towards the end of the session that has left me feeling isolated and also very insecure, and like the intruder in the camp.  How do I feel with this?  I don't know.  Ah a chance, a chance to vanish, should I take it?  I should point out I'm writing this, during lunch and another activity is about to begin, I could use that as cover to leave, but as I said previously that would be wrong.  

Should I also say that this is page two, but the first "What?" was the original start point, but I couldn't find a way to go beyond that.  I now here waffling without saying much, so what comes next?  I don't know a little more time thinking, catching my thoughts and I'm guessing no one here would know I feel here right now, but I should be helping the young people rather than myself. 

I wish to point out this is with a few minor alterations, something I wrote down this afternoon after a workshop had messed me up.  As I wrote it helped calm me down and put a little perspective on things, however it doesn't mean I can't write another blog about it, which is more coherent.

* start of the second page of written text.